(SHORT CHAPTER)
Joohwan Pov
I was on the bench, staring down at the dark water, its end hidden in the darkness that had swallowed it, just like the guilt that was wearing me out, leaving me with no choice but to give up on everything.
Yoonsuh was more than just a name; he was my best friend, the one who always stood by my side, but what had I done to fail to be there for him when he needed me the most? When suicidal thoughts flooded him, he was willing to just give up on his life, us, and everything else.
I should have been with him and asked whether he was all right, but all I did was drown myself in college and continue to be as busy as I wanted. I kept telling myself that there would be time later. I convinced myself that I could fix it tomorrow. But tomorrow came, and I was late. Just like always, but this time I was too late.
"Hyung... I'm sorry. Tell the others...tell them I just got tired."
The voicemail replayed itself in my head on a loop, his too-calm voice and the way he sounded like someone making peace with a decision I hadn't seen coming. I could still hear the skid of my car tires against the road, the way the grey and black smoke came out from the motel room, the sour bite at the back of my throat, the way heat crackled the moment I kicked the door, the way the bright orange flames swallowed the room, and his silhouette against the blaze, the absurd smile still in place.
Now, years later, the mouth of the river looked like another kind of mirror, black and infinite, swallowing everything whole. I had come to the bridge because maybe water could drown the noise the fire left behind. Maybe if I leaned in and let the cold take me, I could finally stop hearing him say he was worn out.
That's when a weight caught at my wrist and yanked me back from the edge.
For a moment, I was furious... furious at the world for being able to surprise me with kindness and furious at the hand for interrupting what felt like the only honest thing I'd had left. "Are you out of your mind?" the voice snapped; his breath was ragged as if he had run over to save me. But I wanted to tell him, to yell at him to leave me alone, to let the water have it, and to stop pretending someone could fix what had already been broken.
But before I could say that, he pulled me down the bench, and that's when I turned to face him. The street light caught his eyes, round and hazel with almond edges that were etched with worry; his tall nose flared up, and his lips parted, letting out a soft pant.
"Joohwan," He whispered my name; it was soft and weirdly sure on his lips as if he knew me, but that softness hit me in a place that had been numb for months. Nobody had said my name like that; it wasn't pity like Taekwang's, it wasn't accusation like the people at the funeral, and it wasn't even after the accident or loud yells like my aunt's; it was recognition, a recall that felt like both a wound and a savior.
Cold blood rushed back into my finger, where his grip had been. The world narrowed to the two of us; the river, the bench, the honks of cars and trucks, and the buzz of streetlights felt distant. And then more footsteps, like someone sprinting.
"Sungmin, are you okay?" The man asked, his hands holding the two steaming bungeoppang, the paper bag crinkling between his fingers. His little fish-like eyes curved in worry as they landed on the one who had dragged me back from the edge. His chest rose and fell; it looked like he had hurried as soon as his friend or brother, whoever he is, came to rescue me.
Sungmin.
The name settled on the stranger like a sudden answer to a question I hadn't even thought to ask. The hand that pulled me back was his. Sungmin, with those hazel eyes that had cut through my fog... he looked quite familiar, but why?
He looked up at the man with the bungee cord, who had left my wrist. The cold air touched my wrist as soon as his hand left the contact, and for the first time, I felt the shiver of coldness. The hazel-eyed guy gave a faint nod of his head as if to say, " I'm fine, don't worry." Then he looked back at me, and the bungeoppang guy followed his gaze to me, and his lips parted, his eyes widening not in shock but as if he had known me and didn't expect to see me here, then back at Sungmin's.
"You are..."