There's a future that never learned my name, a life that vanished before it could even begin.
Sometimes I lie awake at night imagining the many futures I could've had. I think of all the possibilities, the great, the good. The happy, the sad, the mad and even the bad.
I wonder how different the sky would look if you had stayed. If the timing had been kinder to the two of us. Oh what I wouldn't trade.
To see that future. A future with waking up to see a sleepy smile. A future where I just maybe took you down the aisle.
But instead I live this life, but I will always question what if?
Maybe I would've been a little softer, laughed so much more. Maybe this bitterness wouldn't sit so heavy in my chest. A sting that hurts me right to the core.
I wonder if my hands would feel less empty. If the years ahead of us would seem less like survival. That alone would've been plenty.
The cruelest part of life is knowing the future can change because of one thing. One conversation, one moment, one person. One choice I should've clinged. To.
Because I don't just miss the things we used to do. I miss what could've been. I miss an entire future that disappeared with you.
The small things haunt me the most.
The house we never found, the late night drives that never happened. The arguments that never got finished. The children who will never exist except as ghosts.
An entire lifetime erased before it even had the chance to begin. I thought about it all. Your little grin, us sharing some gin, us skin on skin, even if it was a sin, and, just maybe, even having twins.
And now time keeps moving, like it always does. dragging me forward into a future that doesn't feel like mine. I am fine.
I meet new people, live new days. Pretend I don't look back, but part of me is still standing in our moments. How I often gaze. At them.
Those beautiful moments.
I still wonder who we would become if we had stayed. Sadly that song never got the chance to play.
I can only ever question what if?
There's a future that I wished to learn my name, a life that I wish I could start all over again.