The supermarket was crowded. Charlie was aimlessly pushing a cart down the international foods aisle, clearly out of his element, when a stunning blonde in a sundress walked past, examining the imported cheeses. Charlie straightened up, trying to catch her eye, but she ignored him entirely.
Jake noticed the interaction. Deciding to be useful, he stepped away from the cart and walked directly up to the woman.
"Excuse me," Jake said politely. The woman looked down, her expression softening at the sight of the well-mannered kid.
"Yes, sweetie?"
"If you're considering the Halloumi, you might want to reconsider unless you're planning to grill it," Jake said smoothly, utilizing Argus extensive cross-cultural food research. "It has a remarkably high melting point due to the brining process. If you want something for a cold salad, the Greek Feta from the barrel on the bottom shelf has a much better texture and a sharper, more authentic bite."
The woman blinked, utterly charmed and entirely surprised at this knowledgeable kid. "Wow. You know a lot about cheese. Are you a little chef?"
"I just like to read," Jake smiled warmly. "Actually, my uncle taught me all about Mediterranean cuisine. He's an incredible cook. He spent a summer in Santorini."
"Your uncle?" she asked, intrigued.
Jake pointed back to Charlie, who was standing by the cart trying to look sophisticated while holding a box of off-brand cereal. Seeing them look his way, Charlie offered a smooth, winning smile.
The woman smiled back, a genuine spark in her eye. She walked over to the cart. "So... Santorini, huh? I hear the sunsets are amazing."
Charlie didn't know what Santorini was, but he didn't miss a beat. "They pale in comparison to the company. I'm Charlie."
Fifteen minutes later, Charlie walked out of the supermarket with a slip of paper containing a phone number tucked into his shirt pocket. He looked down at Jake in sheer awe.
"Wow. You are better than a dog," Charlie murmured.
When they returned to the beach house, Alan was pacing the kitchen.
"What took you so long?" Alan demanded.
"We went for ice cream because I am an absolute babe magnet," Jake repeated.
Alan gave Charlie a deeply unimpressed look but decided it wasn't worth the argument.
"Hey, thank you for cleaning up, by the way." Said Charlie
"I didn't clean up, it was Rose, "
"Rose?!" Charlie asked, his tone instantly shifting to panic. "You let Rose inside my house?"
"She said she was your maid," Alan said, startled by his brother's reaction.
"Oh, damn it, she glued the cabinets shut again!" Charlie groaned, grabbing the handles of the overhead cupboards and yanking, but they wouldn't budge.
Alan stared at him. "Again? You have somebody who comes over regularly to glue your cabinets?"
"With some of the whackjobs I've been with, it's not that big of a stretch," Charlie grumbled, pulling harder.
"Oh, so this is my fault?" Alan asked, his voice pitching up with defensive anger.
"Who let her in?" Charlie shot back, highly annoyed.
"You are a deeply disturbed man. Move over," Alan commanded. He jumped up onto the kitchen counter, braced his feet against the wall, and threw his entire body weight into pulling the cabinet doors.
"Oh, I'm deeply disturbed?" Charlie scoffed. "Who showed up in the middle of the night with his own sheets?"
"Hey, at least I care about what I sleep on! Or, should I say, on whom I sleep!"
"Hey, pal," Charlie fired back, pointing a finger at his brother. "Between the two of us, I bet I'm the only one who has slept with a married woman recently."
"And isn't that something to brag about?"
The voice sliced through the kitchen. Both men froze, their eyes darting to the doorway where Evelyn Harper stood, impeccably dressed and radiating authority.
In his shock, Alan shifted his weight on the counter. The wood groaned, the screws stripped out of the wall, and gravity took over.
CRACK.
THUMP.
Alan hit the linoleum floor hard.
"Hi, Grandma," Jake said neutrally, unfazed by his father writhing on the floor.
"Oh, hello, sweetheart," Evelyn cooed. She stepped delicately around Alan's groaning form and leaned down to press a kiss to Jake's forehead, completely ignoring Alan.
Charlie raised a hesitant hand from across the room. "Hi, Mom."
"Hi, Mom," Alan wheezed from the ground.
Evelyn finally looked down. "Get off the floor, Alan. You are not a toddler." She turned on her heel, her designer heels clicking sharply against the tile. "Living room. All of you."
They gathered in the living room, the atmosphere instantly shifting to a tribunal where Evelyn was judge, jury, and executioner.
"The only reason we are standing here," Evelyn began, her eyes narrowing at Alan, "is because you sank a boat."
Charlie blinked, his hangover momentarily forgotten. "You sank a boat?" he asked, staring at Alan in absolute disbelief.
"An eighty-thousand-dollar boat," Jake added helpfully from the armchair.
"Eighty thousand dollars?!" Charlie nearly choked. "How did you sink an eighty-thousand-dollar boat?!" Charlie spent that much on gambling and high-end escorts in a slow year, but he knew exactly how pathologically cheap his brother was. The math simply wasn't computing.
"I was saving my life from a shark!" Alan emphasized, his voice pitching high with defensive desperation.
"In Castaic Lake," Jake muttered, deadpan.
Charlie stared at Alan, blinking slowly. "There are no sharks in lakes, you idiot."
"You did not see what I saw!" Alan screamed, his face flushing red. He threw his hands up in defeat. "You know what? This conversation is over. I am tired of explaining myself to people who weren't there!"
Evelyn wasn't having it. "Do you have any idea how deeply hurtful it is to hear about your own son's divorce from the women at the country club? On the streets, Alan?"
Alan's eyes bugged out, and he nervously darted his gaze toward Jake. He frantically waved his hands at his mother, mouthing the word 'No!' "What divorce? What streets?" he stammered loudly. "Nobody is getting divorced! Jake is right here!"
"The gig is up, Dad. She knows," Jake said matter-of-factly, not even looking up from his new bougth nokia 3100.
Charlie, who had been staring blankly at the front door, suddenly frowned. He turned to Evelyn. "Wait a minute... how did you get into my house?"
"You stay out of this," Evelyn snapped, holding up a manicured hand to silence him. "I am trying to help your brother through a very difficult time." She turned her softened gaze back to her grandson. "Jake, darling, would you be a dear and make your grandmother a cup of tea? With a lemon wedge?"
"Sure, Grandma," Jake said. Recognizing the classic dismissal tactic, he stood up and walked toward the kitchen, leaving the adults to their impending trainwreck.
As soon as Jake was out of earshot, Evelyn whirled on Alan, her face a mask of tragedy. "How could you do this to me?"
Alan blinked, utterly confused. "Do what? To you?"
"Yes, to me!" Evelyn cried. "Now, when I want to see my grandson, I'm going to have to make an appointment with Judith. Who, let's face it, has never been very warm to me! Have you thought about that? And what if there's another man in there? Shacking up with her? Letting Jake call him 'Uncle Steve'? Have we stopped to consider that?!"
Alan stood frozen, his mouth opening and closing like a fish as he processed his mother's words.
Charlie took a slow sip of his spiked juice. "I think he's considering it right now, Mom."
"Alright, enough," Evelyn said, instantly dropping the dramatic flair and shifting to business. "Here is what you are going to do. You and Jake will come live with me. After all, I'm just rattling around in that massive house all by myself."
"Mom, that's... that's very considerate," Alan said, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "But as soon as Judith and I work things out, I am going right back to my own house. This is just a minor bump in the road."
Evelyn stared at him for a long, agonizing second. "Sweetheart. Grow up."
Alan flinched.
Evelyn sighed, adjusting her purse on her shoulder, preparing to leave. "Think about what I said, Alan. You are my son. You will always have room in my house, and in my heart." It was a rare, almost unsettling show of maternal warmth.
Alan swallowed hard, a bit of the tension leaving his shoulders. "I love you too, Mom."
Evelyn slowly, deliberately turned her neck, her sharp eyes locking onto Charlie.
Charlie stood up a little straighter. "Uh... I love you too, Mom."
"Too little. Too late," Evelyn said curtly. She turned around and marched out the front door, leaving a heavy silence in her wake.