As we already read before how betrayals caused pain deep inside. We were excited to know about the personality and changes I was going through. After 4th grade i started sitting alone and focussed more on studies. To my surprise I became the topper expectedly. Something changed the journey from average mind to intelligent one was that much easy. Just staying away from others and focussing on one thing can makes our mind so sharp. After those emotional issues my father taught me daily about the spirituality and our religion. I got interested in those books and their meaning. Whenever I felt that pain i chose to sit and read those books given by my father. Day and night I find their meanings and try to find my purpose at such a young age. I still had those books with me in my room. I remember i was reading one of the books written by Dr. TR Shangari. I completed that book in just few days i thing I enjoyed the most was flowing with the writing of the author. Basically it focussed on the eating habits of human beings and what actually should we eat. There a saying whatever we eat creates our aura and strength of our mind. Like if we want a strong mind our source of diet should be pure and hardworking. That changed my life totally. There are a lot of books more which contributed to enter in other dimension. These days I was feeling strong from inside as i always felt someone to be very close to me some kind of energy. More I read and find and believe more i became focussed and strong. Those days i never wished about staying or choosing any human being for myself. My father was the only one who just taught me how to focus on my inner world. I have the instances from his life also where he shared about his teacher who given him all this knowledge. Only one thing mattered that was knowledge. I was just chasing one thing how to gain more and more knowledge. Those books kept me silent. I never studied at home I just completed my homeworks at school and at home I used to read only. I found my purpose one day. I searched and wrote the things i yearn for. Deep inside i always wanted a touch that I missed from my aunt. I wanted a loving father who should once show the affection. I missed that one being who would have hugged me while I was surviving alone. Piling up things for long time can lead to mental issues. My mind knew that someone is there but that energy never spoke to me. I never heard her voice and never felt her touch. She always was a good Listener. I complaint a lot and argue a lot. I was never happy with what was going on because that was not normal. I knew I am going to severe trauma but I wanted to escape from reality. I became topper where everyone wanted to be like me, they don't want to talk to me not because I am silent or facing such issues but because they think I am arrogant and egoistic. Whenever I sit with someone i used to hard on myself not to behave or talk softly with someone especially other toppers. Students used to compete with me for whatever I had. But I was one who was walking on different path. Competition, studies were things i never wanted. My family issues and my parents relations caused me different level of pain which forced me to stay away from this harsh world. My mental condition became worse year by year. My mind was so active that it always sensed the talked and thinking of others. My intuitions became stronger whatever i felt whatever i heard whatever I dreamt of became difficult for me. Because other children of my age never shared such weird things with me.
The other students had few normal aims of being a topper, having a gf or bf, they were all facing hormonal imbalance. But I was an exception. You would not believe I never slept completely. I always went to bed earlier but was never slept. I used to pretend I never knew anything. But best part was teachers started appreciating me. They started observing me. They liked me and always wanted me to be at first place. I was the favourite one. After all this struggle the day came when I was in depression finally. It was the result of being alone and crying all nights. When I reached 8 th grade I had the anxiety attack I was taken to hospital. Was given sessions by counsellor. Whenever I had the attack whenever i cried I never knew the reason behind it. For 15 days I was on bed rest. My father always said, "you are surrounded by that supreme energy, why would it hurt you the most."
I got the answer for it during the depression period as I was working on my mind being strong and my mind being active experiencing intuitions it has to undergo the process of handling the energies which universe was giving me. I never had the clarity why it was happening with me. I just wanted someone to hug me help me. I went to my aunt . She had the family now. Her husband never wanted me to be their part. She had 2 daughters and one son. She loved me praised me but something changed in her. Earlier she used to care and hug me I felt that touch of motherly heart. But whenever she hugged me these days that felt off. I went to live with her in holidays. She taught her daughters in good way. They knew how to do the household chores. She taunted me indirectly about my personality and teased me that she loved her daughters now. They used to test me if I was really innocent or just pretending. Used to observe me if I am robbing something, used to check on me while i was sleeping with my cousins. Whenever I used to read books they used to laugh saying I am pretending to be so good. They started back biting my parents and treated us like their slaves. My father always saved money for our future plot. He never showed how wealthy we are. There's no shame living in small house when you are preparing for something new and big. They all underestimated my father. He is my teacher i respect him inspite of his bad relation with my mom. I started understanding the true colours of my aunt and uncle. My maternal uncles were very proud of my personality because they knew I am truly invested in spirituality. They observed whenever I used to teach my cousins. I was the example the ideal person they wanted their children to be. It took two years of coming out of the depression as my trust and energies got down. But new phase was waiting for me. Phase of separation with other two close ones. My best friend left me herself but here the decision was mine to left my aunt and move on from such a toxic motherly relation with her. All her efforts towards just faking my personality lead to me stay away from her. I never expected she can hurt me so much. The condition became so worst after depression that nightmares disturbed me internally. I dreamt about both her and my male best friend. I don't i cried after dreaming of them. For next few years whatever I dreamt was happening in reality. But whenever i saw them they never met me in my real life. My end with her was very painful as whenever I met her i hugged her and cried. Crying because of pain of staying away from her. I never had any words just tears for her. I immensely loved her. I remember that last day of my cousin's wedding. I saw her and hugged her tightly and cried for almost half an hour. While crying I decided it's our last meeting. She never knew what I was actually thinking. She was my mother who took care of me for atleast 4 years and then we had a strong bond of about 18 years how can she never sensed what I was going through. What type of relation it was so weak and fake from her side.
Her daughter was my best friend I used to share everything with her. On last days she begged me to talk to her. I refused not because I don't love her but because it was hurting me. She fought with me saying I was never her own blood. I happily moved on. I missed her every day and night. I was breathing heavily and started to distract myself.
Now the next thing is more interesting as now the phase I was going to enter was very disturbing and was the path of finding my true self. But for finding true self I never knew universe will choose other humans.
Next part may be very familiar and we mostly experience. And the lessons i got are the ones which we skip while in relationships. A human life is never predictable. I imagined it would be simple but universe has other plans for me.
Writing about your past is never been so easy but always remember whenever you are talking about it openly that means you have recovered. But my lessons are not over now there is a lot more how the things are going to surround me forcing me to do the things which were almost dramatic.