[Trip Day] [Morning] [Pritchett House]
Four enormous suitcases stood in a perfectly straight line beside the front door, each one packed so tightly that Gloria had been forced to sit on two of them while Manny worked the zippers.
Beside those sat three vintage leather suitcases belonging to Manny, complete with brass clasps, luggage tags, and the general appearance that they were preparing to board the Orient Express sometime around 1934.
Jay had contributed one battered duffel bag.
Gloria stared at it with open disgust while checking the time on her phone. "Jay! The luxury motorcoach will be here in ten minutes! Please tell me that horrible little gym bag is not your luggage."
Jay walked through the living room carrying another canvas bag. "Couple shirts, underwear, shaving kit, a suit. What else do I need?"
Gloria gestured toward her luggage. "Options, Jay! One suit isn't enough. We are going through Palm Springs, Sedona, Austin, and all these beautiful places. What happens if we go someplace elegant?"
"I'll wear the shirt with buttons."
Gloria's eyes narrowed while Manny carefully adjusted the scarf around his neck. "Jay, Mother has packed four separate outfits specifically for what she calls spontaneous romantic dinners."
Jay glanced toward the suitcases. "Nothing says spontaneous like sixty pounds of sequined luggage."
Gloria pointed toward his second bag. "And what is that?"
Jay replied, "That's Stella's stuff."
Gloria stared at him before slowly looking toward Stella, who sat happily near Jay's feet with her tongue hanging out.
Gloria lowered her bag very slowly. "No! Absolutely not. The dog is not coming."
Jay looked genuinely confused. "Why wouldn't she? She loves a road trip."
"Because this is a family road trip."
Jay glanced down at Stella before looking back at Gloria. "She's family."
Gloria threw both hands into the air. "She is a dog, Jay!"
Stella wagged her tail.
Jay pointed toward her. "Watch it, she heard that. You're hurting her feelings."
Gloria looked down at Stella. "She is an animal, Jay! She doesn't speak English!"
"She understands tone, Gloria."
"Then maybe she understands that I don't want her shedding all over my beautiful vacation clothes!"
Jay folded his arms. "She's a French Bulldog, she barely sheds."
Gloria walked closer and held up several white hairs she'd apparently collected from the couch. "I found these on my dress this morning."
Jay squinted at them. "Those could be yours."
Gloria gasped. "My hair is perfectly dark brown!"
Jay shrugged. "You've got highlights."
Gloria stared at him with a level of disbelief that made Manny quietly close the book he'd been reading at the breakfast table.
Manny looked between them. "For whatever it's worth, I think Stella would enjoy the scenery. Dogs are deeply connected to movement, scent, and migration."
Gloria pointed toward him. "Ay Manny, whose side are you on?!"
Manny calmly reopened his book. "I am Switzerland. I am merely observing the human condition."
Jay bent down and scratched Stella behind the ears while continuing his defense. "I'm not leaving my little girl in some random kennel with twenty other mutts and a teenager named Cody spraying everything with a hose."
Gloria put both hands on her hips. "It is a luxury pet resort! They have private suites, flat-screen TVs, and certified canine massage therapists!"
Jay looked offended. "Dog massage? That sounds like a front for something illegal."
Gloria blinked. "How is it illegal to rub a dog?!"
Jay stood again. "I don't know who's touching her! It's weird!"
Gloria stared at him for several seconds before looking toward Manny. "Your stepfather has officially lost his mind."
Manny turned another page. "I decided several years ago that this wasn't my jurisdiction."
Jay picked up Stella's small travel bag from beside the counter. It contained food, treats, a blanket, two toys, grooming supplies, and enough bottled water to suggest Stella was preparing to cross the Sahara.
Gloria pressed her fingers against her forehead. "Jay, we are going to Palm Springs, Joshua Tree, Sedona, and Austin. We have restaurants, shopping, concerts, and romantic dates. What are we supposed to do with Stella every time we go somewhere?"
Jay answered without hesitation. "We'll figure it out."
Gloria narrowed her eyes. "You hate figuring things out while traveling."
"I figure things out constantly."
"You yelled at a hotel manager in Miami because the curtains opened from the wrong side."
"They were designed badly."
Manny raised one finger without looking up from his book. "He did have a surprisingly compelling argument about symmetry."
Gloria turned toward him. "Manny!"
He lowered his hand again. "Withdrawing once more."
Jay walked toward the front door with Stella following closely beside him. Gloria stepped in front of them before he could escape.
"Jay, listen to me. I am pregnant, Haley is pregnant with twins, Phil is going to be trapped inside a giant vehicle with walkie-talkies, Cam has already packed a karaoke microphone, and Luke asked me if fireworks are legal in Arizona."
Jay nodded slowly. "Actually, it's good to know the state laws on that."
Gloria pointed sharply toward his chest. "I already have enough chaos on this trip. I do not need a dog."
Jay sighed and looked down at Stella, who stared up at him with complete trust. His expression softened immediately.
"I just don't like leaving her somewhere strange."
Gloria's irritation weakened slightly.
Jay rubbed the back of his neck. "She gets anxious. And when I drop her off, she gives me that look."
Gloria's face softened despite herself. "What look?"
Jay gestured toward Stella. "That little abandoned look."
Stella immediately yawned and rolled onto the floor.
Gloria looked down. "She looks very abandoned."
Jay frowned. "She knows we're talking about her."
Gloria watched him for another moment, then crossed her arms. "If Stella comes, you are responsible for everything."
Jay nodded quickly. "Done."
"You feed her, walk her, clean up after her, and keep her off the furniture."
Jay hesitated slightly. "Mostly done."
Gloria narrowed her eyes again.
Jay sighed. "Fine, completely done."
Gloria started walking toward the door before stopping. "And you owe me something."
Jay looked suspicious. "What kind of something?"
Gloria turned with a smile that immediately made him nervous. "At the concert in Austin, you dance with me."
Jay's expression collapsed. "Gloria."
"You get the dog, I get the dancing."
Jay pointed toward his knee. "I have a bad knee."
Gloria smiled sweetly. "Then move slowly."
Jay looked down at Stella, then back toward his wife, and realized he'd already lost.
"Fine. One dance."
Gloria shook her head. "Three songs."
"One dance."
"Two songs."
Jay sighed deeply. "Two songs, and Stella comes with us."
Gloria leaned over and kissed his cheek. "Deal."
Jay watched her walk outside before looking down at Stella.
"You better appreciate this."
Stella wagged her tail enthusiastically.
Jay shook his head while picking up her travel bag. "I'm doing the Texas Two-Step for you."
...
//Jay Commentary//
Jay sat alone in the chair with both hands resting on his knees, looking like a man who'd spent the morning negotiating an international treaty.
"I'm too old for this. I'm sixty-five, my wife's pregnant, my granddaughter's pregnant with twins, we're driving across several states in a convoy of luxury buses, and somehow the toughest negotiation this morning was whether the dog gets a seat in the bus."
He looked toward the camera with exhausted disbelief.
"Now I gotta dance at a concert."
Jay sighed and leaned back in the chair.
"I should've just dropped her at the kennel."
After a brief pause, his expression tightened.
"No. I can't leave her with Cody. The kid wears too much cologne."
//Commentary End//
..
..
[Dunphy House]
Phil stood in the driveway wearing sunglasses, a baseball cap, and the expression of a man who had finally been handed the keys to destiny.
Claire came through the front door carrying a tote bag and stopped when she saw him.
"Phil, honey... why are you dressed like a retired NASCAR driver?"
Phil lowered his sunglasses. "Because today, Claire, I take command of forty feet of American engineering."
"You're driving for maybe two hours."
"Two hours is how legends begin."
Claire looked toward the curb, where several suitcases, backpacks, and one cooler had been stacked beside the mailbox.
Alex came outside dragging a rolling suitcase behind her. "Just so we're clear, the second Dad starts doing trucker accents over the walkie-talkies, I am legally emancipating myself at the first rest stop."
Phil pointed at her. "Rule one of the open road, Alex: clear, professional radio discipline."
Luke came running out of the house holding two walkie-talkies.
"Breaker one-nine, this is Road Falcon. Do you copy?"
Phil's face lit up.
Claire closed her eyes. "Oh, please God, no."
Phil grabbed the second radio, strapped to his waist. Road Falcon, this is Big Daddy Thunder. I read you loud and clear, over."
Alex stopped walking. "I'm riding in Jack and Haley's bus."
Claire pointed toward the luggage. "No changing buses! We are doing this as a family, and giving Jack and Haley their privacy... And you are going to enjoy it."
Alex looked at her. "You know that sounded less like a vacation and more like a hostage situation, right?"
Luke opened the cooler. "Wait. Who packed baby carrots?"
Phil walked toward the luggage and lifted one of Claire's suitcases. It was really heavy. He looked at her. "Honey, are we relocating?"
Claire took the suitcase from him with one hand. "Shoes."
Phil nodded respectfully. "Say no more."
Alex gestured toward Luke's backpack, which was visibly bulging at the seams. "What did you pack?"
Luke looked down. "Stuff."
Claire immediately became suspicious. "What kind of stuff?"
Luke hesitated.
Phil placed a hand on his shoulder. "Son, road-trip law dictates full disclosure of all cargo."
Luke slowly opened the zipper.
Inside were three flashlights, duct tape, a slingshot, binoculars, two packs of gummy worms, a screwdriver, and what appeared to be a small smoke machine.
Claire stared at him.
Luke shrugged. "Emergencies."
"What emergency requires a smoke machine?"
Luke thought carefully. "A boring one."
Phil nodded. "Actually, I respect the preparedness."
Claire turned toward him. "Phil, do not validate the smoke machine."
A loud horn sounded from down the street, causing Phil to stop and widen his eyes as the big bus slowly turned onto their street.
Phil whispered, "She's here."
Claire looked at him. "Please don't call the bus 'she.'"
Phil was already walking toward the curb.
"Oh, I am absolutely taming that beautiful beast."
Alex watched him go, then looked at Claire.
"We should update our wills."
Claire sighed and grabbed her bag.
"Get in the bus."