It was two hours before my set and I was already locked in.
Not nervous. Locked in is different. Nervous is when you are not ready. I was ready. I had been ready for a week and now I was just waiting for the clock to move.
Backstage at Rolling Loud was its own world. People moving in every direction, security earpieces, artists and their entourages stacking up in the corridors. I saw Lil Yachty near the production tent, Rick Ross posted up with about eight people around him, Lil Durk in a corner on his phone not looking at anybody. The kind of names that used to be on the posters I stared at as a kid.
Now I was on the same poster.
Claire and Imani were with me. Claire had her arms crossed and was watching everything with those green eyes like she was cataloging it. Imani kept pulling her phone out and putting it back without taking a photo, like she could not decide if she wanted to document it or just live in it.
"You good?" I asked her.
"I'm so good," she said. "I'm trying not to be weird about it."
"You're being weird about it."
"I know." She put her phone away. "I'll stop."
Claire glanced over at me. "How are you calm right now."
"Practice," I said.
That was not the whole truth. The whole truth was that I had been performing since I was seventeen in front of a camera in a bedroom, then at house parties, then at small venues, then at bigger ones. I had built up to this one stage at a time. The crowd size changed. The feeling did not. You walked out, you did your thing, and either the room was with you or it was not. I had learned early how to make it with you.
I looked out at the crowd from the side of the stage. It was big. Easily the biggest I had ever performed for. A sea of people all the way back to where the lights blurred out, different faces, different ages, men and women and every mix in between. East Highland had given me a lot of things. A crowd like this was not one of them.
This one I had built myself.
I turned away from the crowd and went back to get my water. I had about ninety minutes left. I was going to use them right.
* * *
When they called my name the crowd already knew.
I could hear it before I even got to the stage, that specific sound a crowd makes when they recognize something is about to happen. Not screaming yet. Just that low collective shift, like the whole thing took a breath at once.
I walked out and the noise hit me.
I let it run for a second. Did not say anything. Just stood there and looked at them and let them look back. The lights were hot and bright and I could not see faces past the first few rows but I could feel all of it, tens of thousands of people who had driven here and paid money and stood in the heat all day and were now looking at me like I owed them something.
I was going to pay up.
"What up everybody." I grabbed the mic. The crowd came back at me. "I know y'all here cause y'all fuck with me." More noise. "Let's see how hard though."
I pointed at the DJ.
The beat dropped.
* * *
SHOOTERS Tory lanez
All I wanna do is go out trappin' with the shooters
Wrist game froze, you should see the way we do it
Sexy little bitch she throwin' titties out the window
You from outta town but you know what we get into
The crowd was moving from the first bar. I could see it in the front rows, hands up, people turning to each other, that thing that happens when a room recognizes a song before the hook even hits. I stayed cool, let the verse run, worked the stage left to right. I was not performing at them. I was performing with them.
I came in, I just pulled it off the lot
Sailing like a pirate how I came in with the yacht
I came up off of trapping off the spot
Tell me if you fuckin' 'cause it's backups if you're not
I'm just, flexin, two hoes, woah
Threesome, sexy two broads, ooh
Every time I step out, shit lit
I just walked in, Heisman your bitch
All I wanna do is go out trappin' with the shooters
Wrist game froze, you should see the way we do it
Sexy little bitch she throwin' titties out the window
You from outta town but you know what we get into
They were singing it back to me. The whole section I could see, word for word, the ones who knew every line and the ones who only knew the hook. It did not matter. The energy was the same.
I came in, I just pulled up with the slab
She don't know her father but lil' mama call me dad
Go designer shopping, caught me fucking up the tab
Rich for my bitches, thick as fuck, I had to brag
Police tryna catch me with the shooters
You not from the ends, you cannot fool us
I caught a felony and beat that shit the next week
I stack it tall, Lisa Leslie, 'cause
All I wanna do is go out trappin' with the shooters
Wrist so froze you should see how I been movin'
Shawty said she down enough to flex with all the shooters
Shawty, are you down to give the head to all my shooters? Oh
I let the crowd finish the last hook themselves. Stepped back from the mic and just pointed at them. They went. All of it, every word, screaming it into the Miami heat. I had a moment standing there where the whole thing felt surreal in a way I was not expecting. Not overwhelmed. Just aware. This was real. This had always been going to be real. I had just needed to get here.
I did not have time to sit in it. I was already moving.
* * *
HASTA LUEGO - JID
I did not announce it. I just nodded at the DJ and let the intro run and watched the crowd figure it out.
The ones who knew went crazy. The ones who did not know listened, and by the first verse they were nodding because you did not need to know the song for it to grab you.
Hasta luego, I'm finna break through
All of my, all of my life, I been chasing a check and I never get it
Been around it, seen it, never had it
Mama, daddy, whole family, broke family
I'mma get it, told 'em I'll fuckin' handle it and murder the game so the service candle lit
Emergency lane and I'm swerving, damaging the whip, but shit, fuck it, I'm fucking vanishing
Had to get out of East Highland for a little minute, you know there's madness in the fucking city
I thought it was love here, I thought I was good, I'm stuck in the mud here
I felt the East Highland line land different. There were people in that crowd who knew exactly what that meant and people who had never heard of the place. But the way I said it made it mean something regardless. That was the thing about this music. You did not have to be from somewhere to understand what it cost to leave it.
I'm looking for drugs, I'm looking for big butts with the good hair
Or a ten-piece hot lemon pepper sprinkled, fries crinkled, that's the lingo
If that's your girlfriend, she acting single
I caught the pass like I'm ochocinco
How the fuck did anyone assume the god the son, the sun the god, the runner from the money
Beat the blood just like the money, it's not Jumanji
I'm the doom that damned the dungeon
I'm the spoon that fed the hungry
Stand for something, fall for nothing, all or nothing
I been going crazy, somebody pray for me
Take a second, take a knee, it'll mean everything
It'll mean everything to me
I tell 'em get out the way, I'm finna take it to 'em
Hasta luego, we finna make a move
Give me a break, what is you saying to 'em?
Give me the 'k, I'm finna spray the room
I'm finna spray the room
I never had shit, mind over matter, outside, I can't call it
All my niggas finna get a job, or they already got it
Couple trapping, couple catching bodies
Please don't come to East Highland, shawty, with your bullshit and your flex cap tryna' jugg shit
Nah nigga, you'se a good lick, be a good guy, you a good kid
I just played the cards I was fucking handed and dealt with it like a fucking man
You my nigga then you my nigga then, we stick together like we hook and fin
Don't let any nigga come fuck up the plans
Hasta luego, I gotta get up away from here
Hoping that somebody pray for me, telling you it'll mean everything
I just really hope you love a nigga when he head away
I tell 'em get out the way, I'm finna take it to 'em
Hasta luego, we finna make a move
Give me the 'K, I'm finna spray the room
I'm finna spray the room
The crowd was fully in it now. I had them. Not just the ones who had been with me since the Boosted Jay videos, not just the people who knew the album. All of them. I had the whole field.
* * *
97 HOV Benny the butcher
I let the silence run for about three seconds before the next beat came in. Long enough for the crowd to wonder. Short enough that they did not lose the thread.
When the drums hit they recognized it.
Uh, yeah, Boosted coming, nigga
I walk in the room, niggas can feel that pressure when I walk in, nigga
Like you saw the devil, yo, look
I was born in '01, but I'm like '97 Hov
I went platinum off a brick, I cooked on 97 stoves
Yeah, I know the streets is watching so I'm highly skeptical
Where I'm at in my career, one hit and I'll be set to go
Duct tape for the blocks, black tape for the strap
Bentley in the parking lot, ashtray full of pack
Had dreams of retiring and burying the money
Back when I was young with more experience than money
On my Georgetown shit, rock the blue Hoya
When they snatched my niggas up, I got a new lawyer
They start off young so they shoot for you, I groom 'em
Soon they become their own bosses and recruit for you
You think you nice, well, I got news for you
I get 'em chewed for you, what's funny when every rapper food to you
Freestyle for Clue, I feel like '97 Hov
Real stories 'bout drug money got me etched in stone
By the time they learn to love me, I'll be dead and gone
Real hustlers treat them rentals like they second home
First double up, thirty dollars, seven stones
Yeah, I fucked it up, but that whole play set the tone
I stopped and looked at the crowd.
"Y'all know why I'm mad?" I said into the mic. The crowd noise dropped a notch, everybody leaning in. "I'm mad because everybody on these records lying. Everybody's this big D-boy, everybody's these hardcore gangsters, everybody gon' do this to each other when they see each other." I let that breathe. "And the truth be told? Don't nobody wanna fight nobody in this rap game. 'Cause ninety-eight percent of these dudes is cowards."
The crowd erupted. I waited for it to settle.
"Let's go."
We pull up, jumping out them V12 engines, detail kitted
Females with us, the hoes driving like it ain't got no seat belts in it
The block look like it got seashells in it
The beam on the SIG flashing like it got an unread email in it
They try their best to stop us, we still winning
I hit the breaks, but wait, the light 'bout to change
Realizing what I'm driving and how my life 'bout to change
When I die, go to TV Johnny and ice out the grave
The Feds want the whole BSF, wiped out the game
My watch look like a lighthouse, that's right, I'll explain
I had some young niggas slide through with pipes 'round your way
Have 'em posted up with sticks like it's a strike 'round your way
You can only judge me by who you see me with
I turned a deuce to a six, did Houdini tricks
Tell these niggas keep my name out they greedy lips
'Cause they don't want no static with Griselda by Fashion Rebels
The Butcher, nigga
* * *
CAN I LIVE - J cole
I took a breath before this one.
Not for the crowd. For me. This was the one that meant something different. The one I had not planned to close with when I first built the setlist, and then changed my mind three days before the show because it was the only right ending.
The beat came in slow. The crowd felt the shift.
Yeah, pussy my passion, never been a fan of flashin'
Probably 'cause I never could, said if I had it, never would
Then I got my first little taste of paper and I splurged
I guess it's just a nigga urge, this is The Boondocks
I swear, yo, I'm like Huey mixed with Riley
Thursday I be tryna save the world, and then on Friday, I hit the club
My momma told me to speak like you got a college degree
You see, I can, but I won't 'cause I'm saying what I want
Plus this slang that I speak don't change that I'm deep
I can't do no 9-to-5, told my momma, "Sorry."
I can't do no suit and tie, no I want the glory
If you knew me, know my life is like a movie starring me
Pardon me, if it seems that I'm following my dreams
I ain't reading off the script that they picked for me
I'll be shitting on them niggas that was shitting on me
Will I live or will I die before they get to know me?
If I go, I know the ones that's pouring liquor for me
But oh no, Lord
You see, I'm smarter than they know
So hold on, Lord, 'cause I ain't quite ready to go
Can I live?
Somebody told me that it's only one shot
So I'll be goddamned if I'm ever gonna stop
Promise to my momma I'ma make it to the top
So I'ma keep climbing 'til my heartbeat drop
I stepped back from the mic and let the beat run for a second.
The crowd was quiet in that specific way that meant they were listening. Not silent. Just present. Waiting.
I came back in.
Like the phone when she heard the news
Her sister on the other line talking to her shoes
The only son, what a thing to lose
More blacks singing more blues
More niggas pouring more brews
Poor dude, he was young like 21
Straight up out that city that I'm from
A real smart nigga, but his niggas, they was dumb
He ain't even get a chance to run
Before it landed in his lung
God. Breathe, nigga
His partner screaming, "Don't you fucking leave, nigga!"
Took off his shirt, tryna stop the bleeding nigga. "Don't you go!"
But his life fading slow
Did I tell my mom I love her, do she know?
Did I tell my baby sorry from before?
Won't get to see my son grow
Lord, I ain't ready to go
Can I live? Can I live? Dear Lord, can I live?
Can I live?
I held the last note out and let it drop.
For about two seconds there was nothing. Just that strange pocket of quiet that only happens after something lands exactly where it was supposed to.
Then the crowd came in like a wave.
I stood at the front of the stage and let it wash over me. I did not pump my fist. I did not hype them back up. I just stood there and took it in, this thing that tens of thousands of people were giving back to me, and tried to stay inside the moment long enough to actually feel it instead of just surviving it.
I thought about East Highland. The bedroom. The 350Z in Zen's lot at night. Rue sitting at the kitchen table doing homework. Gia texting me to come home. Maddy.
I thought about the coma. About waking up and not knowing for a second if any of it had been real.
It was real. All of it. This was where it had always been going.
"Thank you," I said into the mic. Not loud. Just said it.
Then I walked off the stage.
* * *
Claire was standing in the wings when I came off.
She looked at me for a second and then just nodded, slow, like she did not have words and was not going to pretend she did. That was enough.
Imani was behind her. She had both hands pressed over her mouth and her eyes were bright and she looked like she had been crying or was about to or had already stopped.
"That was the best thing I've ever seen," she said. Her voice came out smaller than usual. "Like in my entire life. That was the best thing."
I put my arm around her for a second. She leaned into it.
"Your turn is coming," I said.
She pulled back and looked at me. She was smiling now, the big one she could not control. "I know," she said. "I know it is."