We are still wandering around outside the building, trying to find a place. Maybe one with fewer eyes, less noise… maybe a place that can only be entered by the two of us.
But that kind of place couldn't exist. We'd both be walking until our feet turn into dust.
I should tell Sohee this.
"Sohee…"
"..."
"Sohee?"
She doesn't reply. Her feet keep moving.
I'm sure she doesn't mean to ignore me. I think she just lost herself in her own thoughts again, this time they are louder.
That I can understand.
Sometimes, I'd do the same.
No, maybe not sometimes. I do that every time, every minute.
Anyway, I'll keep following Sohee for now. I hope she knows where we're going.
Then, after what feels like a thousand years, we stop.
A sole wooden bench in front of us. Some dried leaves are resting on it. Sohee sits.
I also sit beside her, looking around as I do so. Wind blowing, trees rustling, and only Sohee's perfume fills the air. Sohee has found it. The place that helps.
All it took was a million years: or a thousand… or a few minutes. I'm not sure anymore.
The sky is cloudy… and a little grey. I wonder about the sneakers Maria is wearing. Are they going to get wet?
Before My mind starts to wander somewhere else again I should attend to the girl next to me, who is hurt physically and mentally. I have to take "care of her. Are you okay, Sohee?"
Ah, I accidentally said something out of my thoughts. Need to fix that. Thankfully, though, Sohee failed to catch anything wrong with what I said.
And my tongue tasted bitter after asking her that question. One that you feel after lying about something.
She uses her uniform sleeve to wipe her little tears. Then frowns, looking at it getting wet. As if regretting doing that because, if I have to guess, she finds it wrong to use her school uniform as a handkerchief.
Her head turns around, searching for her bag instead. Maybe she brought something to wipe her face with.
But the bag is not here.
She dropped it in front of Nelly's.
Oh, don't blame yourself for that, Sohee. If anyone is to blame, it should have been me.
I take a look at her arm.
And she can feel my gaze
"Sunbae, it is okay. It hurts a lot less now."
"What about you, though?"
"My… arm?"
"You."
"Oh."
She gets it.
I'm not talking about something that can be healed after a couple of weeks.
I can see her throat gulping. The pink eyes avoid my face that she loves very much, and instead stares at the neat grass and dirt—
Not bad; this dirt looks kind of fun to be underneath. The grass could be a lot healthier if it drained nutrients from my body. I can see why you like to keep staring at them now, Sohee.
"Nelly doesn't know what she was doing. I didn't, either. That's why we both got hurt. But this… I can handle," Sohee starts, now her chin dips deeper toward her chest, "But Nelly might not."
She is more worried about her friend now.
"I don't think…." She bites her tongue as if afraid to say it.
Don't worry, Sohee, take your time. I have endless of it to spend anyway.
"This is all my fault. I should have known she'd react this way."
You two are good friends, and then I come in. You, who clearly likes me way too much, and she, who can't stay in a room with me for longer than a few hours. If only I could get away from all of you, but I can't.
"I'm the adult here, you know." My mouth and tongue start moving. "I should have thought of this, not you."
"But Sunbae, you didn't do anything."
I did nothing. Nothing to help you at that. That's why it's my fault. If I start to justify this mistake and blame you for it… I might be more of a piece of shit than I already am now.
Not to mention, I was sent here to help them, not make it worse (which is happening now). I am like a Messiah. But not in the Jesus way. I do evil sometimes. So if somebody stray further away from salvation, the fault lies with me.
I need to break my passiveness.
And actually start to influence the way all of them live, which preached to be wrong and in need of a fix. Not my words, but Who Sent Me Here.
But Sohee can't accept that I'm just a flawed human being, so she shakes her head.
The wind passes once again, but this time it takes words out of our mouths, leaving us speechless for a while. If there's anything Sohee wants to tell me, it's already gone.
Then, pink.
We make eye contact.
"Sunbae, I… can't ask for a better friend than you." She smiles.
She looks a lot better than before we came here. That's good.
"I have to be a better friend to Nelly," she continues, "I have to fix this."
The image of a girl in a blanket hiding behind a door passes through my mind.
I have no idea how to fix someone's trauma. But maybe that's why I was given a million retries. Maybe if I keep trying, I'd suddenly become a rapist—wait, no, therapist: a therapist, someone who is more qualified than I currently am.
But that's for the future. It wouldn't happen now.
Now, what matters is getting Sohee back on her feet.
So she can be a bridge between Nelly and me to get something started.
—Hah, that's some wish that you got!
Why? Don't you think it's possible?
Cause I think it is.
Everyone changes.
The human you met twenty years ago won't be the same guy you meet now.
I learned that through myself.
—Like you did with the cat? Remember how hard you tried to save it from the road? How many times did the truck hit you both? Hundreds. Death is a part of life, you learned that there. Then you walked away as a different man. Remember all that?
I don't.
—What about her? Surely not her, right? We can't forget about her. Not after the promise.
What promise?
Stab.