Chapter 35: IMPOSSIBLE COURTSHIP
[National City — Late November 2016, Days 1-3 of Chaos]
The flowers appeared on the first morning.
Every fire hydrant in National City erupted simultaneously—not with water, but with roses. Red, pink, white, cascading from the metal caps like botanical geysers. Within an hour, the streets were ankle-deep in petals, traffic was gridlocked, and three people had been hospitalized for severe allergic reactions.
"THESE ARE FOR YOU, MY DARLING!" The message appeared in the sky, written in clouds that somehow spelled themselves. "YOUR BEAUTY DESERVES NO LESS!"
Kara spent four hours helping city workers clear the worst of the floral chaos. I spent the same time fielding calls from confused emergency responders and trying to explain that no, this wasn't a DEO operation, and yes, we were working on it.
---
The music started on the second day.
Every speaker in National City—phones, televisions, intercoms, car radios—began playing the same song. A love ballad, apparently composed specifically for Kara, with lyrics that rhymed "Kara Zor-El" with "hearts that swell" and "love's sweet spell."
The song played for eighteen hours straight. It played in hospitals, in schools, in the DEO command center. It played in frequency ranges that hearing aids picked up. It played backward in the dreams of sleeping citizens.
By hour twelve, I was ready to tear my own ears off.
"Make it stop," Winn groaned, hands pressed to his temples. "Please, someone, make it stop."
"Working on it," I muttered, checking the frequency analysis for the hundredth time. "The broadcast is coming from everywhere and nowhere. It's not using any technology we can identify."
"Because it's not technology." Kara landed in the command center, her expression thunderous. "It's him. Mxyzptlk. He's rewriting reality to generate the sound."
"Can you talk to him? Ask him to turn it off?"
"I tried. He said the song would play until I agreed to a date." She gritted her teeth. "I told him where he could put his date."
The song increased in volume by twenty percent.
---
The third day brought the sign.
A neon monstrosity appeared over downtown—fifty feet tall, blazing with light that somehow didn't come from any electrical source. "MARRY MXYZPTLK" it proclaimed, with an animated heart that pulsed in time with the still-playing love song.
Below the sign, Mxyzptlk himself materialized on a cloud-platform, conducting an orchestra of floating instruments that accompanied the broadcast.
"Isn't it magnificent?" he called down to where Kara and I stood on a nearby rooftop. "I composed it myself! Every note, every word, perfectly crafted to express my devotion!"
"It's been playing for thirty-two hours," Kara said flatly. "People are losing their minds."
"Then they should embrace their madness! Love is madness, after all!" He descended on his cloud, settling to our level. "What do you say, darling? One date. That's all I ask. And the music stops."
"No."
"So stubborn!" He sighed dramatically. "I suppose I'll have to try harder."
"How about you try leaving?" I stepped forward, putting myself between Mxyzptlk and Kara. "She's not interested."
The imp's expression shifted—theatrical amusement replaced by something colder.
"The Daxamite speaks." His voice dripped condescension. "Tell me, boy—what can you offer her that I can't? I can reshape reality. Create worlds. Grant any wish. What do you have? Mediocre superpowers and a talent for wearing poultry costumes?"
"I have something you'll never have." I met his gaze steadily. "Her actual choice."
For a moment, something flickered in Mxyzptlk's eyes. Annoyance, maybe. Or frustration at a truth he couldn't deny.
Then he smiled again, all teeth and theatrical menace.
"We'll see about that."
He vanished. The music continued.
---
That night, at the DEO, Winn delivered his findings.
"I found it." He pulled up his research on the main display. "Fifth-dimensional beings and the power of names. There's consistent mythology across multiple magical traditions."
"What kind of mythology?" Kara leaned forward.
"Names have power in the fifth dimension. Specifically, speaking a fifth-dimensional being's name backward banishes them back to their home dimension." He highlighted a passage from an obscure text. "It's not a permanent solution—they can return—but it forces them out for at least ninety days."
"His name backward," I repeated, feigning thoughtfulness. "Mxyzptlk. That would be..."
"Kltpzyxm," Winn supplied. "Pronounced roughly like... well, like trying to sneeze while gargling."
"And he has to say it himself?"
"That's the binding. The being must speak their own name backward. We can't just say it at him—he has to be tricked into saying it."
Kara's expression shifted from frustrated to calculating. "So we need to manipulate him into speaking a specific word without realizing what he's doing."
"Exactly."
"He's arrogant," I offered. "Loves showing off. Especially enjoys proving he's smarter than me." The chicken suit memory still burned. "What if we used that?"
Kara caught my eye. A small smile formed. "You're suggesting you play bait."
"He hates me most. If I challenged him to some kind of word game, something that required him to demonstrate his superiority..."
"You could fumble through his name backward, and he'd feel compelled to correct you." Kara's smile widened. "Show the stupid Daxamite how it's really pronounced."
"Exactly."
Winn looked between us. "That's either brilliant or incredibly risky."
"Those are usually the same thing." I turned to Kara. "I can do this. Let me be useful."
She studied me for a long moment. Then she nodded.
"Tomorrow. We set the trap tomorrow."
---
Walking back to the equipment storage area, I found myself alone with my thoughts. The plan would work—I knew it would work, because I'd seen it work. But the weight of that foreknowledge pressed against my conscience.
Kara had asked for honesty. Had promised patience. And here I was, manipulating events based on information I couldn't explain.
The truth hides beneath humor, as always.
One day, I'd have to tell her. One day, the secret would become too heavy to carry.
But not today. Today, there was an imp to banish.
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