Chapter 96. The Pseudo-Divine Messenger of Fox Village and the Cross-Dressing "Peerless Dancer"
The Eastern Continent, an unknown frontier wilderness.
This place was the prototype of the land later known as the "Far East," but in the Mythic Age, it was still an uncivilized territory filled with miasma, demons, and various unspeakable creatures. Of course, to the group currently sitting in the post-modern, magic-modded caravan pulled by two giant Dire Wolves, this was just a new "dungeon."
"It's so hot! Argh! Why is the sun here even more vicious than in the Capital? I'm going to melt! I'm turning into a puddle of oil!" Argo sprawled on the floor of the carriage like a salted fish just hauled onto shore, his tongue hanging out incessantly. His signature clown suit was soaked with sweat, and his feathered hat had been tossed aside to be used as a fan.
"Shut up, you noisy cicada," Olna (the Amazon) said, sitting cross-legged opposite him. Though she dressed lightly (a beast-hide bikini), she was also sweating profusely. She held a giant slice of chilled watermelon (projected by Shirou), munching as she spoke incoherently. "If you keep making noise, I'll throw you out to feed the mosquitoes. The mosquitoes here are as big as fists."
"Brother Emiya... any more ice? Help me..." Argo ignored Olna's threat. In this team, the top of the food chain was always the man who controlled the refrigerator (cooling magecraft).
"None left, we need to save magical energy," Shirou Emiya said from the driver's seat without looking back. Despite his words, he raised his left hand and snapped his fingers. "Gradation—Cooling." A refreshing breeze instantly swept through the entire carriage, making the heat-stricken group let out sighs of comfort.
"I'm... I'm back from the dead..." Wishe (the half-elf) lay flat on the table, her long ears drooping powerlessly. "This climate... is simply torture for an elf. My skin is going to crack."
"Endure it a bit longer. There should be a water source not far ahead," Shirou said, frowning slightly as he looked at the map (still that parchment with the pot and meat). "According to the map, if we cross this 'Wasteland of Dried Bones,' we'll reach a settlement called 'Inari.' There should be supplies there."
"Inari? Sounds like some kind of delicious snack," Ariadne (the princess) said, her eyes lighting up. Though she was a noble princess, after hanging out with this group for a few days, she had been completely led astray into a foodie attribute.
"No, that is the name of a god," the usually silent Crozzo (the blacksmith) suddenly spoke up, wiping the Hammer of Thor. "In eastern legends, that is the god who governs harvests and... foxes."
"Foxes?" Yuris (the werewolf) twitched his ears, a look of disdain on his face. "Tch, those cunning creatures that only know how to charm people? I hate foxes the most. They smell quite rank."
"Oh my, is Lord Yuris jealous?" Elmina (the dancer) leaned in, grinning. "Don't worry, even if there are fox vixens, I only have eyes for one wolf—you~"
"Get lost! Stay away from me! It's too hot!"
Just as the daily "Wolf-Dancer Shura Field" was playing out in the carriage, the caravan suddenly slammed on the brakes.
Screeeech! The tires ground two deep furrows into the sand, and the inertia sent the people inside tumbling into a pile.
"What happened?! An enemy attack?!" Olna was the first to jump up, grabbing her axe to rush out.
"No... it seems we've encountered a 'roadblock,'" Shirou's voice came from the front, sounding a bit strange.
Everyone poked their heads out. There, on the road ahead, knelt a group of people. To be precise, a group of demi-humans with fox ears and tails. They were dressed in tattered kimonos, looked emaciated, and their eyes were filled with fear and... a certain fanatical hope. Before them stood a crude altar made of piled stones, topped with a few shriveled fruits.
"Is this... a highway robbery?" Argo scratched his head. "But this setup looks more like... begging?"
"No." Shirou jumped off the wagon and walked toward the fox people. "What... are you doing?"
Hearing Shirou's voice, the leader, an old fox-man, raised his head tremulously. When he saw Shirou's striking red hair and the faint magical radiance emanating from him (actually the residue of the cooling magecraft), the old man's eyes widened instantly.
"Red hair... golden light... and that divine power that can control heat and cold..." The old fox-man trembled all over and slammed his head against the ground.
"Lord Messenger! You have finally descended!"
"The prophecy was true! The Crimson Star that brings harvest has truly appeared!"
"Huh?" Shirou was stunned. He pointed at himself. "Me? Messenger?"
"Yes! You must be the messenger sent by the Great Inari to save us!" The group of little foxes behind the old man followed suit, bowing and shouting prayers in an unintelligible tongue.
"Hey, Brother Emiya, when did you secretly multiclass into a cult leader behind our backs?" Argo leaned in, nudging Shirou with his elbow and wearing a mischievous grin. "This is quite the treatment—getting bows right upon meeting."
"Shut up, I don't know what's going on either." Shirou felt a headache coming on. Was this the strange side quest triggered by his so-called "E-rank Luck" in another world?
"Um... elderly sir, I think you've misunderstood," Shirou tried to explain. "I'm just a passing cook, not a divine messenger."
"No! You must be!" The old fox-man stubbornly grabbed Shirou's leg (this action looked remarkably like Hestia). "Please save us! The village's grain has been stolen by the 'Ogre King'! If you don't perform a miracle, all hundred-plus people in our village will starve to death!"
Hearing the words "starve to death," the look in Shirou's eyes changed. As an "Ally of Justice (Chef Version)," he could not stand people going hungry in front of him. Moreover, the state of these fox people was indeed pitiable; the little foxes were skin and bones, a sight that tugged at the heart.
"Ogre King... stealing grain..." A cold glint flashed in Shirou's eyes. No matter the era, such scum always existed.
"Fine." Shirou sighed and helped the old fox-man up. "Though I am not a messenger... I can help you solve the problem of 'eating.'"
"Re-Really?!" The old fox-man wept with joy.
"Everyone! To work!" Shirou turned and shouted toward the carriage. "Move all our grain out! Tonight, right here... we're opening a 'soup kitchen'!"
"Again?" Though Olna complained, she was the first to jump off the wagon, hoisting a bag of flour on her shoulder. "What a soft-hearted fool... but, for the sake of those brats, I'll begrudgingly lend a hand."
"This is what a hero should do!" Argo excitedly grabbed a spatula (even though he couldn't cook to save his life). "The Argo Restaurant, Eastern Branch, is officially open!"
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Inari Village. It was a barren village nestled in a valley. But tonight, it was filled with long-lost laughter and the aroma of food.
A giant iron pot was set up in the central square of the village. Golden pumpkin porridge bubbled in the pot, emitting a sweet fragrance. Shirou had made it using wild pumpkins gathered along the way, purified with a bit of magical energy. For these fox people who had been starving for a long time, this easy-to-digest, high-calorie liquid meal was the best life-saving medicine.
"Eat slowly, there's plenty more." Haruhime (if the future her saw this, she would surely cry in gratitude)... no, Princess Ariadne, was currently wearing an apron, gently distributing food to the little foxes. Her noble aura and gentle smile made these rural foxes, who had never seen the world, think they were looking at a true goddess.
"Delicious! So delicious!" "Is this the food of the gods?" "Uuu... Mama, I feel like I'm alive again..."
Looking at the devouring villagers, Shirou stood by the pot, controlling the heat while listening to the old village chief explain the situation.
"That 'Ogre King'... what exactly is it?" Shirou asked.
"It is a great monster entrenched on the nearby 'Red Ogre Mountain,'" the old chief said, wiping away tears. "It is thirty feet tall, possesses Herculean strength, and leads a pack of evil ogres. They come to the village every month to steal grain and money, and they even... snatch away young girls."
"Monster?" Wishe frowned. "From the description, it sounds like a mutated Ogre or a Cyclops. In this magic-rich East, monsters do tend to mutate easily."
"Not only that," the old chief said tremulously. "Just yesterday, the Ogre King sent an ultimatum. He said because there wasn't enough grain this year, we must send the village's most beautiful girl as a 'bride' before sunset tomorrow... otherwise, he will massacre the village."
"Bride?" Shirou's gaze turned cold. "Kidnapping a commoner girl? This script is far too cliché."
"But... there are no young girls left in our village." The old chief pointed despairingly at their surroundings. The rest were the old, the weak, and the disabled; anyone with a modicum of beauty had long since been snatched away or had fled.
"The most beautiful girl..." Everyone's eyes focused simultaneously on Ariadne, who was handing out porridge. Blonde hair, emerald eyes, noble temperament, and peerless beauty. Without a doubt, she was the pinnacle of appearance here.
"Why are you looking at me?" Ariadne sensed the gazes and tilted her head. "If you want me to fight, I'm not very good at it. But if it's acting as bait..." She actually showed a hint of eagerness. "It seems quite fun?"
"No!" Shirou rejected it immediately. "You are a princess and the person we are meant to protect. How can we let you go to such a dangerous place?"
"Then what?" Olna pointed at herself. "Should I go? I'm afraid the Ogre King will see my muscles and shrivel up in fear." Indeed, with Olna's wild style, being a "bandit's lady" might be difficult—being a "bandit king" was more like it.
"I'll go." Elmina puffed out her chest, full of confidence. "When it comes to beauty and charm, I'm a professional. Just let me get close to that Ogre King, and I can..."
"No." Yuris suddenly spoke, his face dark. "It's too dangerous. And... your clothes (dancer outfit) are too revealing, they don't fit the 'bride' setting."
(He's just jealous, right? He's definitely jealous!)
"Then who's left?" Everyone looked around. Wishe? Too cold. Helga? Too tall. The rest... were all men.
"It seems... we can only win by wit." Shirou rubbed his chin, his brain working at high speed. "We need a bait. A bait that looks weak and beautiful enough to make that lecher lower his guard, but who can actually coordinate with us for a 'decapitation strike'."
"Weak... beautiful..." Argo suddenly felt a chill down his spine. He noticed that everyone's eyes had somehow focused on him.
"Wh-What do you want to do?!" Argo clutched his chest, backing away in terror. " I'm a man! A real man! Even if I look a bit delicate, I don't have that kind of hobby!"
"Argo." Shirou walked over and patted his shoulder with gravity. "For justice. For the people of this village. And most importantly... for your heroic epic."
"Think about it—'The Hero Argo, to save an innocent girl, did not hesitate to sacrifice his appearance and enter the tiger's den.' If this was written in a book, how touching would it be?"
"I don't want to be touching! I want my dignity!" Argo shook his head violently.
"I'll make you the... legendary Golden Fried Rice," Shirou brought out his trump card.
"..." Argo's Adam's apple bobbed.
"Plus a special 'Molten Lava Pudding'."
"..." Argo's eyes began to waver.
"If the mission succeeds, I'll forge you another... 'Holy Sword' that won't break."
"Deal!" Argo gritted his teeth and stomped his foot. "It's just cross-dressing! For art! For heroism! For... the pudding! I'm going for it!"
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The next day, dusk. On the mountain path leading to Red Ogre Mountain.
A bridal procession was advancing with music and drums. However, the composition of this team was a bit strange. The sedan chair was carried by four strong men (actually Crozzo and three strong fox villagers). The accompanying maidservant was a tall, veiled "fair lady" (actually Olna, though her muscles were about to burst the seams of the maid outfit). There was also a bard carrying a lute case (Wishe), and a red-haired boy disguised as a butler (Shirou).
And inside that ornately decorated sedan chair sat a... how shall we put it? A "peerless" bride.
"Is that... Argo?" Through a gap in the sedan curtain, Yuris (lurking in the distance) watched the silhouette sitting inside and nearly fell out of the tree.
"That makeup... is it sorcery?!"
It had to be said that Shirou's [Housekeeping EX] skill probably included "God-tier Makeup." At this moment, Argo's face was covered in thick foundation, hiding his original freckles and comical look. His lips were painted cherry red, and his eyes were decorated with peach blossom makeup. Combined with the ornate red bridal gown (a projected item made overnight) and a phoenix crown covering half his face, at a glance, he actually looked a bit like... a "yandere beauty"?
"Uuu... the clothes are so tight... I want to go to the bathroom..." The "beauty" let out a coarse complaint from inside the sedan.
"Shut up! Hold it!" Olna, disguised as the maid, hissed, kicking the sedan chair for good measure. "If you talk again, the cat's out of the bag! Squeeze your vocal cords!"
"Cough, cough... This little one understands~" Argo pinched his throat, producing a high-pitched, feminine voice that made one's SANity plummet.
"I want to puke..." Crozzo felt the legs he used to carry the sedan go weak.
"Endure it." Shirou walked beside the sedan, looking alert. "We're almost there. The Ogre Fortress is ahead."
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Red Ogre Mountain Fortress. This was a stronghold built into the mountain, draped with skulls and skins, emitting a nauseating stench.
"Halt! Who goes there!" Two small ogres with green faces and long tusks stopped the procession at the gate.
"Oh, Lord Ogres." Shirou stepped forward, wearing a humble smile (acting mode on). "We are from Inari Village to deliver the bride. We heard the Great King wanted to marry, so we brought the most beautiful girl in our village to show our respect."
"The most beautiful?" A small ogre lifted the curtain to take a peak. He saw Argo's heavily made-up face and the wink he threw.
Hiss—! The small ogre sucked in a breath. Though their aesthetics were a bit different, in this era lacking entertainment, this "heavy makeup" style seemed to hit their spot unexpectedly. "Indeed... quite spirited. Go in! The King is waiting in the assembly hall!"
They actually got in?! Everyone complained wildly in their hearts. Were the aesthetics of these monsters corrupted too?
The Assembly Hall. This place was even more chaotic than outside. Dozens of evil ogres of various shapes were eating and drinking around a long table laden with raw meat and murky liquor. And on the tiger-skin chair at the very top sat a giant monster over five meters tall. Red skin, two curved horns, holding a massive spiked club. [Red Ogre King]. High Lv. 5.
"Has the bride arrived?" The Red Ogre King put down a liquor jar and let out a burp that smelled of sulfur.
"She's here, she's here!" Shirou directed everyone to carry the sedan to the center of the hall. "Great King, please look!"
The curtain was pulled back. Argo stepped out coyly. He held a fan (used to hide his Adam's apple) and walked with mincing steps (fearing he'd trip on the skirt), approaching the Red Ogre King.
"Great King~ your humble one is here~" This high-pitched voice instantly silenced the entire hall. All the evil ogres were dazed.
"Good! Good! Good!" The Red Ogre King laughed, making the hall hum. "Truly a beauty! Not only does she look spirited, but her voice is so... unique! This King likes it!"
He reached out with a hand larger than a millstone, intending to grab Argo. "Come! Give this King a kiss!"
"Oh my~ Great King, don't be in such a hurry~" Argo nimbly dodged the hand (dodge skill maxed), spinning around in the process. "Before we get intimate... can I perform a talent for you?"
"A talent? Good! This King likes talents most!" The Red Ogre King clapped excitedly.
"Then..." Argo took a step back, winking at the others. Do it!
"Music! Start!" Wishe opened her lute case and took out the [Harp of Wailing Illusion—Fake]. Zheng—! A stirring note rang out. But it wasn't music for celebration. It was—[Ear-Piercing Magic Sound].
"Aaaargh! My ears!" The surrounding small ogres clutched their ears in agony, feeling as if their brains were being vibrated out.
"What?!" The Red Ogre King also sensed something was wrong and tried to stand up.
"Dinner is served!" Olna tore off her maid outfit (she had wanted to for a long time), revealing her battle gear underneath. She pulled the massive axe, [Gold Eater], from under her skirt (?!). "Take an axe from this old lady!"
Boom! The axe, carrying lightning, slammed violently toward the Red Ogre King's forehead.
"Assassins?!" The Red Ogre King reacted swiftly, grabbing the spiked club nearby to block. Clang! Sparks flew. Although he blocked it, the massive force still pinned him back into his chair.
"And me!" Crozzo tossed aside the sedan poles and pulled the [Hammer of Thor] from his back. "Go! Crusher Number One!" Whoosh—! The hammer flew out, smashing into the Red Ogre King's knee.
"Roar!" The Red Ogre King cried out in pain, falling to one knee.
"Now! Argo!" Shirou shouted.
"Watch me!" Argo lifted the hem of his skirt (the sight was too beautiful to behold) and pulled the weapon from his inner thigh—[Argo-Class Lightning Wooden Sword].
"Finishing Move—Bride's Fury!"
He gripped the sword with both hands and, using a springboard projected by Shirou, leaped high into the air. Golden lightning condensed on the blade. At this moment, he was no longer a comical clown. He was a war god in a wedding dress, wielding a lightning sword!
"Go to... HELL!!!"
Puchi! The lightning sword accurately pierced the Red Ogre King's left eye. Even a Lv. 5 defense was as fragile as paper before the sharp edge of a divine artifact and the penetration of lightning.
"AWOOOOOOOOO—!!!" The Red Ogre King let out a shrill scream, clutching his eye and rolling frantically.
"Retreat!" Having landed the blow, Shirou did not linger. He threw out several smoke bombs. "Mission accomplished! The wind is tight, let's scram!"
"Don't let them escape! Kill them!" Bleeding from his one eye, the Red Ogre King swung his spiked club manically, smashing the entire hall to pieces.
"Run!" Argo hoisted his skirt and ran faster than anyone. "Help! I'm going to die again!"
"Shut up! Run!" Olna hoisted him onto her shoulder (like a sack of flour) and charged out through the wall.
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At the bottom of the mountain, the caravan had been waiting for a long time. Yuris and Elmina were on the wagon to receive them.
"Get on!" Shirou jumped into the driver's seat. "Sit tight! The veteran driver is starting the engine!"
Vroom! The caravan, pulled by the two Dire Wolves, vanished in a cloud of dust, leaving behind the burning fortress and the Red Ogre King still in a state of impotent rage.
"Phew... I survived..." Inside the carriage, Argo slumped on the floor, tearing off the phoenix crown and panting. "That was... simply hell..."
"Pfft." Ariadne looked at Argo's ruined makeup and couldn't help but laugh. "But... you were very cool, Argo. That strike just now... you truly looked like a hero."
"Re-Really?" Argo's eyes lit up, and he instantly revived. "I told you! I really am a genius! Wasn't that look very high-impact?!"
"It was high-impact," Wishe handed him a mirror. "If you don't look at the face."
"Waaaaagh! My face! My handsome image!" Argo looked at his hag-like reflection in the mirror and screamed again.
"Hahahaha!" Everyone burst into laughter.
In this dangerous Mythic Age, on this rickety caravan, laughter was more precious than any oracle.
Shirou Emiya held the reins, looking at the road ahead. Though he didn't know what they would encounter next, as long as these idiots were around... it seemed there was nothing to fear.
"Next stop... where to?" he asked.
"To the seaside!" Olna shouted. "I want to eat seafood!"
"To the volcano!" Crozzo suggested. "I want to find a fire seed!"
"To... the end of the world." Argo wiped the makeup off his face and looked at the starry sky. "Let's go turn all the 'tragedies' in this world... into 'comedies'!"
"Then... let's set out."
"Okay." Shirou smiled.
The caravan drove toward the East, leaving a trail of dust and legends in its wake.
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