Chapter 95. The Clown Who Didn't Want to Be King and the Escape Caravan to the Unknown
The Royal Capital, atop the ruins of the Black Iron Palace.
The first rays of the early morning sun pierced through the smoke lingering over the city, illuminating the land that had just endured a mythic-grade battle. According to the usual tropes of a heroic epic, this should be the moment where the brave hero stands atop the high city walls, receiving the cheers of ten thousand citizens, followed by a deep kiss with the princess, and finally leaving a grand, heavy stroke in the nation's history books.
However, reality is often more magical-realist than fiction.
"Run for your lives! Brother Emiya! The exit over there is blocked! Change directions! This way! Quickly, this way!"
A man dressed in tattered clown clothes was sprinting through the palace corridors with a gait fast enough to compete in Olympic racewalking. Terror was written all over his face, as if he were being pursued by a pack of hungry slimes rather than a crowd of passionate citizens carrying flowers and crowns.
"Shut up, Argo! Don't wipe your snot on me!" Shirou Emiya was running behind him, carrying bags large and small—all loot scavenged from the Black King's kitchen last night. His right hand—the dragon-bone prosthetic he had just reshaped, with a hardness comparable to Orichalcum—was currently being forced to push away fanatical fans trying to rush up and hug him. "Why did things turn out like this?! Aren't we the heroes who saved the country? Why does it feel like we're fleeing from debt collectors?!"
"It's precisely because we saved the country that it's a problem!" Wishe (the half-elf) shouted back crossly as she nimbly leaped over the heads of the crowd. "The Black King is dead, and the royalty is wiped out. Now the ministers and the citizens have unanimously decided that the hero who defeated the Demon King should naturally become the new King! Especially that clown leading the way—his approval rating is terrifyingly high!"
"I don't want to be King!" Argo let out a scream like a slaughtered pig. "If I'm King, I can't sleep in! I can't go around flirting with... uh, I mean, praising beautiful ladies! I'd have to grade mountains of documents! That's hell! That's a form of torture that would deal a devastating blow to my free soul!"
"Is that your reason for running?!" Olna (the Amazon) barked, acting like a human bulldozer as she cleared the path ahead with her giant axe. "But great job! I don't want to stay in this broken city made of nothing but stone and iron either! Cutting down magical beasts in the forest is much more fun than being some Royal Guard Captain!"
"Agreed." Crozzo (the blacksmith) followed at the very back, panting as he carried the anvil that was more important to him than his own life. "The forge here is too primitive; it doesn't even have a decent temperature-control rune. Emiya's 'Portable Magic Furnace' is much better."
"Everyone..." Princess Ariadne (Aiz's ancestor), who was being protected in the center of the group, held up her skirt. Though she was breathless from running, her golden eyes sparkled with an unprecedented light of excitement. "Is this... what it feels like to adventure? How thrilling!"
"Princess, please don't treat 'being wanted by the whole city' as an adventure!" Shirou couldn't help but retort. "And why are you running away with us too? Aren't you the princess of this country? Staying behind to take charge is the right path, isn't it?"
"I don't want to." Ariadne shook her head decisively, her expression exactly like the future Aiz refusing to eat vegetables. "The food in the palace tastes terrible. I want to eat that... curry Emiya makes. Besides, I want to see the world outside."
"..." Shirou felt his stomach beginning to ache. So this entire group was made of problem children! An irresponsible captain, a pack of violent maniacs who only know how to fight or smith, and a runaway princess kidnapped by gourmet food. Was there really a future for this team?
"Stop talking! The sewer exit is right ahead! Once we crawl through, it's the air of freedom!" Argo pointed to a manhole cover emitting a strange odor, his eyes shining with the light of hope.
"The sewers again?!" Elmina (the dancer) pinched her nose in disgust. She and Yuris (the werewolf) had somehow followed along as well, their reasoning being "Since we're free anyway, we might as well see what kind of big news these idiots can stir up." "Argo, do you have some special obsession with sewers?"
"This is tactics! This is wisdom! It is the manifestation of a hero not sweating the small stuff!" Argo explained forcefully while prying open the cover. "Everyone! Jump!"
Splash! Splash! Splash!
Accompanied by a series of sounds of hitting water, the "Argo Expedition" that had just saved the world disappeared from the sight of the Royal Capital's people once again in an extremely undignified manner.
They left behind a group of ministers holding crowns and scepters, staring at each other in the empty corridor.
"The new King... ran away again?"
"It's fine. According to the historical records (no such book exists), heroes must always go through tribulations. Let us wait here for his return!"
"Makes sense!"
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In the dense forest, ten kilometers outside the Royal Capital.
"Cough, cough... Finally shook them off." Shirou Emiya slumped onto the grass without any regard for his image, his red coat covered in mud and an unknown green slime. He glanced around. Argo was wringing water out of his hat, Olna was washing her axe in the river, Crozzo was checking if his anvil was rusting, and Ariadne was... curiously poking a passing frog.
These people really have strong mentalities.
"Brother Emiya! Look! Look what I caught!" Argo suddenly jumped up from the riverside, clutching a struggling, strange fish with two heads. "It's a Two-Headed Carp! This is very nourishing! Today's lunch is sorted!"
"That is a [Two-Headed Water Snake], and it's poisonous," Wishe reminded him coldly. "If you want our whole team to ascend to heaven, please be sure to take the first bite yourself."
"Eh?! Poisonous?!" Argo's hand shook in fright, and the strange fish took the opportunity to bite down hard on his nose. "Waaaaagh! Ow ow ow! Let go! You ungrateful fish! I am a future Great Hero!"
Watching the captain brawl with a fish, Shirou shook his head helplessly. "Alright, stop messing around." He stood up and brushed the dirt off his clothes. "Since we've escaped, what's next? We can't live like savages in the forest forever."
"Continue the adventure, of course!" Argo finally managed to shake off the fish and approached with a swollen red nose, his eyes flashing with the light of "causing trouble." "Brother Emiya, do you remember that map we found in the Spirit Temple?"
"The map?" Shirou recalled. Indeed, in those ruins, besides that broken sword, they had found an ancient map drawn on parchment.
"This is the one!" Argo pulled the map from his damp breast pocket like a magic trick (luckily it was parchment and waterproof). He pointed to a mark on the easternmost part of the continent. "Look! There's a giant... pot drawn here?"
"That's an alchemy cauldron, or a symbol for some kind of vessel." Crozzo leaned in to take a look. "In ancient alchemy symbols, this represents 'Creation' or 'Origin.'"
"No! This is a pot!" Argo insisted stubbornly. "And look at this symbol next to it, doesn't it look like a piece of meat? This is definitely the legendary 'Ruins of the God of Cooking'! There must be the world's best ingredients and kitchenware hidden inside!"
"..." Everyone looked at him with eyes full of pity for the mentally challenged.
"Regardless of whether it's a Cooking God ruin or not," Shirou spoke up, his gaze falling on the mark. That position... if cross-referenced with maps of the future, it seemed to be...
Deeper into the [Dragon Valley]? Or perhaps... the legendary entrance to the [Land of Spirits]?
"Interesting." The corners of Shirou's mouth curled up slightly. He didn't know why, but his Magic Circuits—especially the right hand fused with dragon bone—produced a faint resonance when he saw that mark. There might be something there to further increase his strength. Or rather... something that could give him a clue to "finding his way home."
"Let's go there, then," Shirou made the decision. "We're homeless wanderers now anyway; it's the same wherever we go."
"Yay! Unanimous approval!" Argo cheered. "Target—the East! To find the legendary... er, Golden Spatula!"
"It's to find the Truth," Wishe corrected.
"It's to find stronger opponents," Olna added.
"It's to find metal that can withstand my hammer," Crozzo said.
"It's to find... yummy things," Ariadne concluded with a smile.
Now that the goal was set, the next issue was transportation. If they walked to the Eastern Continent on two legs, their soles would likely wear through halfway there. "We need a carriage. A very large one," Shirou looked at the group. "Ideally something that can fit all of us and our supplies."
"A carriage? Where are we going to find a carriage in this wilderness?" Yuri crossed his arms with a look of disdain. "Unless you can turn those trees into a wagon."
"Turning them is impossible." Shirou walked over to several fallen giant trees and knocked on the trunks. "However... building one is no problem."
Trace-On.
Under the astonished gazes of the crowd, Shirou's hands began to glow with the light of magical energy. Though he lacked the high-tech tools of the future, he had the structural blueprints from the [Unlimited Blade Works] and these hands. Analysis, cutting, polishing, assembling. Wood chips flew everywhere.
"Wait, wait... for real? This guy knows woodworking too?" Yuri watched, dumbfounded.
"Brother Emiya is all-purpose!" Argo puffed out his chest proudly. "Aside from giving birth, there is nothing he can't do!"
An hour later, a strangely shaped, heavily "magic-modded" wooden caravan appeared before them. It had six wide wheels (to adapt to off-road terrain), a body reinforced with vines and animal hides, a spacious interior, and even a partitioned small kitchen area. At the front of the vehicle, Shirou had deliberately left two giant harness interfaces.
"The wagon is ready." Olna circled the vehicle twice, patting the sturdy wooden boards. "But... who's going to pull it? You don't expect me and that blacksmith to be the pack mules again, do you?"
"Of course not." Shirou gave a mysterious smile. "A physical job like pulling a wagon should be given to a more professional fellow."
He turned around and looked toward the shadows of the forest. "Come out. You've been following us the whole way; aren't you tired?"
Rustle, rustle... The bushes swayed. Two giant, tusked creatures stepped out. They were the... [Ancient Dire Wolves] they had encountered in the forest before. However, these two looked a size larger than normal Dire Wolves, and their eyes were even more... clear?
"Are those... the pups of the pack we defeated?" Wishe recognized them. "When did they start following us?"
"Probably because of this meal." Shirou pointed to the meat soup currently simmering. "Animal instincts are very sharp. They know where to find meat." He walked over, fished out two large pieces of bone-in meat from the pot, and tossed them to the two Dire Wolves. "Want to eat?"
"Awooo!" The Dire Wolves caught the meat in one bite, wagging their tails (they were wolves, but they looked remarkably like dogs), looking at Shirou with fawning expressions.
"Good." Shirou patted their heads. "From today on, you are our exclusive drivers. Room and board included, plus midnight snacks. Interested?"
"Awooo! Woo!" (I'm in! The boss is generous!)
"This... this works too?!" Yuris felt his worldview shattering. Those were Dire Wolves! Magical beasts! How could they be bought with two pieces of meat? Where was the dignity of the werewolf race?!
"This is... Emiya-style 'Beast Taming,'" Argo said with a look of profound mystery. "Remember, in this world, there is nothing a single meal can't solve. If there is, make it two."
And so, under the glow of the setting sun, a stylishly shaped "Argo-Class" caravan, pulled by two giant Dire Wolves, sped across the wilderness.
Inside the carriage: "Cheers!" Everyone raised wooden cups (filled with fruit juice) to celebrate the official formation of the team.
"To our new home!"
"To gourmet food!"
"To the adventures of the future!"
Shirou sat in the driver's seat, holding the reins (actually controlling the Dire Wolves via a magical link). Hearing the laughter and cheers behind him, his mouth subconsciously curled into a smile. Though he couldn't go back. Though the road ahead was uncertain. This feeling... really wasn't bad.
"Emiya." Ariadne crawled out of the carriage and sat beside Shirou. The wind caught her blonde hair, making it shimmer in the sunset.
"What is it? Princess, is it too crowded inside?" Shirou asked.
"No." Ariadne shook her head, looking at the road stretching to the end of the horizon. "I just think... it's incredible. Only yesterday, I was in that dark cage, waiting for death. But now... I can see such a beautiful sunset and eat such delicious food."
She turned her head to look at Shirou. "Thank you, Emiya. It was you... who changed everything."
"I wasn't the one who changed everything." Shirou looked at Argo inside the carriage, who was currently fighting over meat with Olna. "It was that idiot. If it wasn't for his pestering personality, if it wasn't for his foolishness in treating 'the impossible' as fun... we might have given up long ago."
"Argo, huh..." Ariadne smiled. "He is indeed an interesting hero."
"However..." Ariadne suddenly leaned closer to Shirou, the pleasant scent of hyacinths wafting into his nose. "To me, the true hero... is you."
"Uh..." Shirou's hand holding the reins twitched. Was this... a confession? No, no, it must be an illusion! One of the three great illusions of life! Besides, she was Aiz's ancestor! If something happened, wouldn't the family tree get completely messed up?!
"Um... Princess, you shouldn't joke like that." Shirou looked straight ahead, watching the road with a solemn face.
"Hehe, are you shy?" Ariadne mischievously poked Shirou's cheek. "How cute."
Just then—"ROAR!!!"
A massive roar suddenly erupted from ahead. The ground shook, and a group of winged lizardmen blocked the path. [Flying Lizardmen]. Quantity: approximately fifty.
"More guys who don't know any better!" Olna's excited roar came from the carriage. "Boys! Grab your gear! To work!"
"Understood, Boss!" Argo was the first to rush out, brandishing his Lightning Wooden Sword. "Argo Expedition! Charge! For an extra dish at dinner!"
"Sigh..." Shirou sighed, but his hands didn't slow down. Trace On. Several demonic swords hovered above the roof of the carriage.
"Sit tight, Princess." Shirou pulled the reins, and the Dire Wolves let out excited howls. "We're... charging through!"
Boom! The caravan turned into a torrent of steel, slamming violently into the monster horde.
"Hahahaha! Fly! Lizards!" "Take my Thunder Half-Moon Slash!" "Don't steal my mob! That one's mine!"
Amidst the sky-filling magical radiance and sword qi, this team filled with laughter and chaos continued its journey toward the unknown East.
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Far behind them, in the shadows of the Royal Capital's ruins.
A mysterious person in a cloak stood silently watching the direction in which the caravan had departed. He held a thick book in his hand. The cover of the book read:
"Guide to Dungeon Survival: From Beginner to Godhood".
"An interesting variable," the mysterious person murmured, his voice carrying a sense of vicissitude that transcended time. "Shirou Emiya, a soul from another world. What kind of deviation will your existence cause... to this script that was written long ago?"
He closed the book. "Go. Go find that 'Truth.' I will be waiting for you... at the end of the world."
The mysterious person turned and disappeared into the air. All that remained was a single... white feather, slowly drifting down in the wind.
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