Hashirama stepped forward and hoisted Uchiha Madara onto his shoulder, preparing to carry him back to the little room.
But after taking only two steps, Hashirama dumped Madara back down onto the dirt and turned to his younger brother.
"Tobirama, is there any way to wake Madara up first?"
After thinking it over, Hashirama realized that even if he carried Madara away, there was no telling when he'd actually wake up.
What if something really went wrong with the reanimation? That wasn't the sort of problem that solved itself with time.
"...Brother, I promised you that after Madara was reanimated, i absolutely would not touch him again," Tobirama said slowly after a brief silence.
The moment those words dropped, the "dead" Uchiha Madara felt half his heart turn to ice.
'So it REALLY was that inherently evil Tobirama who reanimated me?!'
This was bad.
He had to act the second an opportunity appeared. Before Tobirama could do something unspeakable to him, he had to quickly contact Black Zetsu and Obito so they could genjutsu on Tobirama into releasing the Edo Tensei.
As for Tobirama promising not to touch him? Madara treated that statement like a fart in the wind.
Could any promise made by that inherently wicked Senju Tobirama be trusted? HELL NO.
"Tobirama, you... sigh. Then tell me what to do, and I'll do it." Hashirama was pleased his brother was honoring the promise, but he couldn't think of any other solution, so he could only beg his brother for help.
"Try pinching his dick?" Tobirama offered.
"Oh!" Hashirama nodded and turned back toward Madara.
'Pinch my dick?!' When Madara heard Tobirama's suggestion, his brain momentarily crashed.
'Wasn't that something you did to wake a LIVING person?! An Edo Tensei body didn't even feel pain, so what kind of nonsense was this?!'
However... Tobirama was doing it on purpose.
You were allowed to play dead, but i wasn't allowed to play dumb? Fine.
If Madara wanted to pretend, Tobirama would play along!
Hashirama reached down and grabbed HARD at the area right between Madara's legs.
Obviously, it did absolutely nothing.
And because Madara had his eyes closed, couldn't feel pain, and possessed garbage perception right now, he didn't even know what Hashirama just did to him!
"Brother, you got the wrong spot. His dick is above there."
Only after Hashirama had been fumbling around down there for quite a while did Tobirama "kindly" remind him.
Hashirama then pinched the actual dick for a long time, but it still did absolutely nothing.
"Brother, why don't you try forcing some foul liquid down his throat?" Tobirama offered a second brilliant suggestion.
For living people, these methods were effective.
But for the dead, they obviously couldn't work. Especially not on a dead man who was only faking it.
But Hashirama didn't want to miss any chance.
"Madara, I'm so sorry. I'll brush your teeth and clean you up afterward." Hashirama solemnly apologized to the corpse, then turned to his brother.
"Tobirama, help me out and get me some... of that."
"I already prepared it."
From beside his feet, Tobirama pulled up a heavy hose with a spray nozzle and handed it over.
"What's this?" Seeing his younger brother actually prepared such a thing in advance, Hashirama grew suspicious.
"This was originally meant to fertilize the crops nearby," Tobirama explained calmly.
"Oh, so that's what it was!" Hashirama suddenly understood and felt deeply ashamed for doubting his sweet brother.
Holding the fertilizer hose, Hashirama turned and prepared to jam it into Madara's mouth—only to discover in shock that Madara's eyes had SNAPPED open!
"Madara, you're awake?!" Hashirama was overjoyed.
"Hashirama?" Madara put on the appearance of someone who just woke up, dazed and confused.
He genuinely couldn't keep pretending anymore.
He had no choice but to "wake up"! The exact moment he heard Tobirama say "fertilize crops," he sensed something was HORRIBLY wrong.
'WHAT was he pinching all this time?!'
The more he thought about it, the more terrifying it became.
And then things got even more outrageous.
That innately evil Senju Tobirama actually wanted to force-feed him literal shit!
How could something like that possibly have any effect on an Edo Tensei body?!
Madara figured it out: Tobirama wasn't actually stupid.
He was PRETENDING to be stupid!
Madara had to wake up immediately and get the hell away from this cursed Tobirama.
As long as he could be alone with Hashirama, there'd be plenty of opportunities to talk circles around the idiot.
"This is great, Madara! We've finally met again! HAHAHAHA!" Hearing that familiar voice, Hashirama rushed forward and gave him a massive bear hug.
But he forgot one crucial detail. He was still holding the fertilizer hose.
The trigger accidentally squeezed!
PSHHHH—!
"Huh?"
"Oh no—Wood Release: Hōbi Technique!"
Sensing the problem, Hashirama instantly dropped Uchiha Madara, leapt backward, and clapped his hands together.
A massive wooden shield with fang-like demon features erupted from the ground and enclosed Hashirama perfectly inside.
Ordinarily, Uchiha Madara would've easily dodged that too. But his current frail body simply did not support any such reflex.
And so the result was...
"Brother! That was too much! How could you leave Madara out there all by himself?! Get out here!" Tobirama "furiously" shouted at Hashirama hiding inside the Hōbi shield.
Hashirama opened a back exit in the shield and stepped out with a face full of guilt.
"Tobirama, your right i'm sorry." Hashirama was drowning in remorse.
Even Tobirama cared this much about Madara's feelings, yet as Madara's former closest friend, he abandoned Madara to get blasted over a mere bit of filth. That was unforgivable!
"Brother, hurry up and take Madara to the room I prepared for you two so you can wash him up!" Still "angry," Tobirama tossed over the keys Hashirama dropped earlier.
"Alright, alright." Hashirama stopped thinking and followed his brother's plan.
He created a Wood Clone to rush in and turn off the spraying hose, then supported the utterly shell-shocked Madara and hauled him toward the grove.
An Edo Tensei body had no sense of touch, smell, or taste, but it definitely still had sight.
And unfortunately, the visual impact from getting hosed point-blank with liquid fertilizer was far too intense.
From childhood until now, Madara never experienced anything like it.
The only remotely similar trauma was when, as kids, he and Hashirama peed together by the river.
Afterward they started roughhousing, accidentally fell into the river, and each swallowed a little water.
Thinking of that, Madara unexpectedly found himself starting to miss the good old days.
By the time his shattered brain rebooted, Hashirama already carried him out of everyone's sight and into the grove.
"Y-you're..." Suddenly, several travelers dressed like ordinary villagers spotted Madara and blocked their path with expressions full of sheer hatred.
"My name is Uchiha Madara."
Madara found it baffling, but he still coldly announced his legendary name.
"Of course we know you're Uchiha Madara! The God of Shit, Uchiha Madara! My second uncle was cruelly killed by your Shit Release!" one of the villagers roared in grief and fury.
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