<< Karma Police - Radiohead >>
Kai's mind whirred in distress as he watched Rami's back.
The way that he held himself, immediately switching to something cold and guarded that Kai couldn't name. It was more than jealousy, more than fear of being replaced; instead it was as though he had touched on something that was rooted so deep that Rameses had settled into a detached acceptance.
The flat and emotionless way in which he had stated, 'It's fine', had felt so at odds with the way that he usually spoke when they were alone together.
He was not ignorant to the fact that Rameses struggled to connect with others.
It had been a singular point of contention during their childhood and adolescence after all, and had required Kai to step in at multiple points to either calm or physically settle altercations between Rami and others their age.
They didn't understand him, Kaius had thought.
They just don't know him like I do.
He doesn't act like that with me. He smiles. He's warm.
And Kai had secretly revelled in the knowledge that Rameses only seemed to be able to show how he felt when it was just the two of them.
Yet, after witnessing what he had in his first life; that cold glint in his eyes, that leering smirk on his lips, the mocking way in which he'd thrown Genevieve's preference for him in his face; Kai wondered if he had been wrong.
Maybe he didn't know him at all.
He knew nothing about his past. Rameses had never spoken of where he came from and Kai, believing that he perhaps didn't remember it well, or had been too ashamed of it, had never pushed for Rami to tell him.
And then there were those moments, those beautiful little moments when he looked at him like he was the only person who mattered.
Moments that had stopped Kai from fully believing even himself when he repeatedly declared that he hated him and even that he wished him dead. No matter how hard he tried or how much he wanted to - he couldn't.
Even now, when Rameses was clearly attempting to shut himself off, all Kai wanted to do was reach out and pull him back.
He could see that he was in pain and it wasn't just from the inexplicable reaction to Kai's seemingly unimportant words, he was physically hurt too.
Kai felt another tiresome stab of guilt at this. He had tried to be careful with him but the little they had just done had clearly exacerbated his injury regardless. Rami's breathing was more shallow than it should be, his hand intermittently clenching at his side as though he were trying to redivert it.
He was quiet when they sat down to eat. Kai's food had turned cold and soggy and he glared at it in solidarity, 'Same buddy…'
Uriel didn't mind of course. Even with Aida's eyes burning a hole in Kai with deep accusations of, 'What did you do this time?' and his father's concerned gaze; Uriel had simply beamed at them both and attempted to greet Rameses cheerily.
"Hello again!" He had called out, flashing him a smile filled with dimples and perfect teeth that was not returned.
Rameses had only nodded back, one single gesture of clinical detachment that held no malice, but no warmth either.
He took his seat. The only chair that was a different coloured wood to the others, as though it had been added to the family table as an afterthought.
For a moment, Kai wondered if that was what Rami thought of himself. An afterthought.
Maybe, this was what had caused his odd reaction to Uriel's presence.
'You never treated me the same as them. I was always left on the outside looking in.'
Kai didn't want to keep hearing the words that the Spectre had whispered in his ear, but a significant part of him couldn't help but wonder if it was true.
Had they driven Rameses to do what he did?
Just in the way that Rami did those quiet little acts of service to show that he cared, which nobody seemed to notice or comment on; had they in turn, spent the last decade repaying it with equally small and subtle acts that had built into one, harmful distinction:
You aren't one of us.
"Your dad said I can sleep on this couch or put something called an air bed in your bedroom, what do you think?" Uriel asked Kai excitedly, as though he was being offered the choice between a high-end hotel or a small palace.
"Couch, Uri. Definitely couch." Kai answered immediately, when he saw Rameses tense from the corner of his eye.
Kai suspected that the Angel wouldn't even require sleep and it would have been useful to allow him to stay close to discuss his Artifact. Yet, he wouldn't do so at the expense of feeling that gulf widen even further.
Uriel agreed to the decision eagerly whilst Rameses and Aida gave each other a silent, knowing look, her brown eyes flicking over to Uriel and back again as if to say, 'I know Rami, I don't like it either'.
Rameses gave her a small, rare smile in response and subtly moved an extra slice of flatbread onto her plate.
At that moment, Kai placed his elbows on the table to run his hands through his hair tiredly, inadvertently knocking his water glass in the process.
But before it could even wobble, Rami had swiftly plucked it out of harm's way and placed it back down, far away from the edge.
He had done so without looking, like it was a muscle reflex, and it had been so fast that Kai knew that if he wasn't currently hyper aware of everything Rameses, that he wouldn't have even noticed.
Just like he had never taken notice in his first life.
He shot Rami a swift smile that attempted to convey at least a modicum of gratitude, "Thank you."
Rameses froze in his chair.
It was fast and he only faltered for a second, his mouth opening and closing before he promptly snapped it shut and just looked back at him. Meeting his hazel eyes for the first time since they had left his room.
Kai could almost see his mind working to interpret what that smile meant and he seemed so genuinely perplexed by those two simple words that Kai felt his heart ache in response.
But then, the corners of his lips twitched up, just slightly, and that cold, bottomless gulf of distance began to melt away.
Kai felt the weight drop from his chest as though it were physical when he caught the tiny changes that only he and Aida knew; the warmth creeping back into Rami's eyes, the effort he put into trying to smile back at Kai, the rigidity in his posture relaxing and unwinding.
Relief flooded through him.
Uriel watched the display curiously, a small smile of his own playing on his lips.
"Are you two together?" He enquired, pointing at the both of them.
Kai snapped his head up, his mouth falling open in shock, "What? Why would you think that?"
He glanced at Rami almost fearfully, but he had simply started devouring his food like he hadn't eaten in over a week, promptly ignoring the conversation as soon as the Angel had spoken.
"You seem close is all. Do humans have an issue with same sex couples?" Uriel frowned, thoughtfully.
"No, there's no issue with that here. We've just - we've been best friends since we were children, that's all." Kai attempted to explain, "Rami's just my - Rami's just…he's -" He trailed off, wincing at his own ineptitude to settle on a decision.
Love him or hate him. Send him away or never let him go.
He knew that he would have to decide, to make a choice one way or the other.
And until then…
'I shouldn't do anything like that with him again until I know…it isn't fair.'
Kai sighed, averting his eyes from Rami.
'I was selfish…I haven't even decided how I feel yet and I still did - that, just because I wanted to feel something. This is shitty…I'm being so damn shitty.'
'I used him.'
"...idiot."
Aida suddenly muttered under her breath, subtly kicking Kai in the shin from underneath the table.
"Ouch." Kai rubbed at it, glaring back at her, "Isn't it past your bed time little girl." He mocked.
Adia flipped him off from behind her hand so their father wouldn't see, "I'm fifteen, prick."
But his father spoke then, swiftly ignoring the profanity that had slipped out of her, "Actually, you should go to bed now, Aida. I do need to talk to your brother for a moment. Besides, it's been a difficult time for everyone, all of us look like we're about to drop at any moment." He chuckled.
"But dad - if you're going to chew him out for leaving without telling you, I want to stay. Please?" She pleaded, her eyes wide with innocence.
Kai gritted his teeth, 'Son of a bit-'
Ely pointed to the ceiling, "Go to bed, Aida." He repeated, firmly.
She sighed, but otherwise made no further move to object.
Before she left however, Aida halted beside Rameses and turned to give Uriel a stern expression, her chin raised defiantly.
"My room is the first door on the right after you go up the stairs. Come anywhere near it and Rami will beat you up." She blurted out.
Without turning his head to glance in the startled Angel's direction, Rami raised his hand in response and gave a thumbs up.
Aida nodded smugly and turned on her heels to dart for the door.
Uriel stared after her in clear and unabashed shock for a moment, looking at Kai with a panicked expression across his perfect features, "What did that mean? Did I do something wrong?"
"It's alright, Uri. She's just teasing you, ignore her." He waved his hand in the air with a chuckle.
Turning to his father, he asked, "So, what is it?"
Ely regarded his son warily for a moment before he spoke:
"Kai...you know I'm so relieved that you're ok and - I'm glad you're safe but…you entered the Forest of Spectres without permission from the council."
Kai nodded slowly, he could already guess what his father was going to say next.
He looked at Kai with tired brown eyes, "I'm sorry, son. I tried to convince them that you might have just gotten lost and didn't realise where you were, that you're young and you didn't know, but…they didn't buy it."
He shook his head, "It's ok, dad. I figured there would be some kind of hearing, right?"
His father paused for a moment, doing his best to soften his expression, "Kai, some of the people who volunteered to look for you, were hurt."
Kai's expression fell, but before he could speak his father cut across him hurriedly, "It's ok, it's ok, no one died and it wasn't serious but...yes, they want you to attend a tribunal, Kai. In three days' time."
"Ok." Kai breathed.
He was relieved that no one had died for him but he hadn't considered the possibility that anyone would be hurt in the process. This would certainly make passing the tribunal without some form of punishment more difficult than he had first assumed.
"Both of you." His father added, quietly. His eyes flickered over to where Uriel was listening intently with a pleasant smile on his soft features.
"What?" Kai exclaimed, panicked.
His father groaned, "I'm sorry! I just - I told them you were brought back safely and that you couldn't answer for anything right away because you were injured, so they asked who found you and I...well, I told the truth. That a strange man that didn't seem like a Nasiru citizen had rescued you."
He glanced at Uriel again with a complicated expression, "It was before I knew that your - friend was…well, you know..."
Uriel tilted his head to the side, genuinely perplexed, as Kai slowly lowered his head down to the table and banged it softly against the wood.
Rami's hand shot out and swiftly moved his knife out of the way.
"...thanks." Kai mumbled into the wood grain.
This was a disaster.
He could lie easily about why he had gone to the forest, about how they had returned and about Uriel's identity.
But if they questioned Uri directly…
"Dad, can you give us the room please? I need to talk to Uriel." He asked, raising his head and rubbing his eyes, tiredly.
In truth, his father wanted to stay, to ask the others to leave instead.
He wanted to ask Kai what he had meant when he said that his mother's death was- an accident.
But when he caught the weariness in his face that was so similar to hers, Ely paused. He had seen that tired, lost gaze before and it tugged at a near forgotten thread of fear.
Maybe now wasn't the time. He shouldn't push him. He shouldn't add more to his worries.
They could talk about that when the tribunal was over. When Kai had less on his mind and was in a better place to discuss it.
And so, Ely swallowed back his worries and nodded in agreement.
Before he left, he wrapped his arms around Kai's shoulders one final time and kissed the top of his head.
"It will be ok, Kai. Even if they fine you, we'll find the money somehow. I'll figure it out, so you don't need to worry about anything, alright? I'll always help you, you don't need to lie to me like that again. You can always come to me."
Kai patted the back of his father's hand in assurance and felt the tight apprehension in his body ease a little, "Thanks, dad. I'm sorry."
His father released him, clasping his uninjured shoulder with a light squeeze, "Don't stay up too late, you need to rest as well, and remember to sort some blankets for your new friend. I love you."
"You too." Kai replied.
When he was sure his father was out of earshot, he got up from the table and perched on the end of the coffee table in front of Uriel.
His eyes swept over him for a moment.
His human disguise wasn't so bad now that he thought about it. He'd even added a few freckles across his cheekbones to break up the perfect symmetry of his face.
But all of it would go to waste if he said too much to the Archbishop and Bishops of the council. He could lie for him as he had done with his family; explain that his Artifact created delusions in his mind, but it would not stop them from accusing him of heresy if Angels were meant to be a closely guarded secret, as Kai was now beginning to suspect.
Uriel frowned back at him in confusion, "Is something wrong?" He asked, innocently.
"Uri." Kai began, ignoring the way his heart fluttered when Uriel smiled back, still delighted with his new nickname, "Can you tell me how it works? I need to know if you can lie - even a little bit."
The Angel's eyes widened in surprise, "Lie? What is that?"
Kai groaned loudly and even Rameses stopped eating, turning his head towards them. His face was blank and smooth but Kai thought he saw a glint of amusement in the blue of his eyes.
"This is a fucking nightmare." He moaned, whilst the Angel serving the God of Truth blinked back at him in childlike innocence.
**