As I placed all my female clothing in the metal lock box hidden under my bed, I went to wash my face off and continued to wonder why I do what I do. Perhaps there's an answer? I thought to myself. At the same time, perhaps it's just that there's something wrong with me. I looked over my face to ensure I haven't missed any spots and wiped the more persistent makeup off with wipes. All the effort I put into looking beautiful and all the effort to wash it away, for what?
I didn't think I was gonna solve it myself. I've searched online before and found suggestions of being a femboy or a crossdresser, which at least told me there were other guys out there who took up wearing the opposite sex's clothing. But neither of those answers felt right to me. It wasn't like just being feminine was what I was looking for. In my mind, I think I really just wish I was born a woman. It really makes no sense to me why is feel that way, but that was the case.
Even knowing that, I was born a man and there really isn't much I can do about that other than lament the fact every single day in my dressup show. As I was thinking about all these different things, the alarm suddenly went off on my phone.
"Ah, shit, I gotta go."
I grabbed the back pack in the corner of my room and made my way outside to catch the bus to school. School was the worst. I knew most kids didn't like school, but for me it wasn't just that, I just felt like I never really fit in with anyone. For most of my time here, I'd sit in the back corner of class, spend my free time in some isolated part of the library, and the one part of the day when I did have to be with people, lunch time, I sat with a small group of outcasts just like myself. I couldn't even call these guys my friends, they were just acquaintances to me. I knew their names and could at least recognize some of their faces, but when we talked, it was surface level.
There was only one single person in the whole building I could call a friend. Steven. Steven had been my friend before I even went to school, probably since I'd been a baby, since both our parents were friends before we were born. Though we didn't have any classes together, we would always end up meeting up with each other at least one day out of the week. Today happened to be one of those days.
I was in the library, sitting by myself in an area that most people avoided. As I looked at my phone, a young man walked up to me. I put down my phone, looked up, and saw Steven's face looking back at me.
"Good morning." He said as he sat down beside me. Even though it was already well into the afternoon, Steven and I would always say good morning to each other no matter what time it was.
"Good morning." I said back.
"So, what's been going on with you?"
"Not much, really." I lied.
I wish I could be honest with Steven. I wish I could tell him that I just bought the most beautiful red pleated dress that had these cute golden buttons down it. Although I told Steven almost everything that happened in my day to day life, I have never told him and am most assured that I will never tell him about my cross dressing.
"It's always not much with you. Don't you have any hobbies?"
"Not really." I lied once again; my tongue becoming more and more silver with every word. "What about you, you don't have many hobbies."
"My plants are my hobbies."
"Is watering some plants really that much of a hobby?"
"I don't just water them. I make clones, I breed new hybrids. It's a lot of work."
"Yes, I know. I just forgot how devoted you were to them."
Steven really was devoted to his plants. I'd been over to his numerous times before and had seen the evolution of his work. What started as a few pots, over the years, grew to be an entire room filled with a vast variety of different fauna.
"So, how are the plants going?"
"Same as usual. I have a new Calathea I'm having trouble keeping alive, but the rest of them are strong and thriving like always. But, let's get back to you."
I could see a sadistic smile grow across Steven's face. I was really hoping I'd distracted him enough from me by getting him to talk about his plants.
"What about me?"
"You say you have no hobbies, but isn't there something you'd like to do?"
"Um, what do you mean?"
"What I mean is, isn't there some kind of thing, be it sports, or acting, or even something as boring as reading; I mean, you are in a library; don't you have something you enjoy?"
"Well…"
There it was, on the tip of my tongue. The words I so wanted to tell my friend. I like to buy and dress up in women's clothing. Maybe, he'd help me pick out new outfits. Maybe, he'd tell me how I can improve upon my makeup. Or maybe, just maybe, he'd ridicule me. He'd tell me I was a fagot or something and then let the word slip to everyone at school. Sure, there was no reason to assume that such a good friend of mine would do such a heinous thing, but at the same time, you can never really tell about people. I mean, even the nicest people twist into monsters when they encounter those who don't conform to the status quo.
In the past, I'd tried to ascertain if Steven would be accepting of such a thing. I've brought up gender bender manga to him, talked about shows where the character dresses up as another gender, hell, I'd even made him watch a few episodes of this anime where a guy transformed into a magical girl. Yet, every time I tried to sneak in a conversation about such things, he would have no real input. "It's a good manga" he'd say. "I really like how cute the characters look". But he never actually voiced his opinion on the actual concept of boys becoming girls.
"No." I finally said.
And that was that. We talked for a bit more, but eventually the period came to an end and Steven had to go. But, right before he left, he said something that immediately wiggled its way into my brain.
"I know you're lying to me. I know there's something that you want to do, have been yearning to do. I don't know what it is, and I don't know why you think you can't tell me about it, but whatever it is, I really think you should embrace it fully. It's your life, do you really want to live it all bottled up?"
With that, he left me to think upon the words he said.
Those words sat and slowly simmered into my brain. Maybe he was right. I thought about it for the rest of the day, through math class and English, through history and gym, on the school bus all the way back home the words echoed in my mind. When I got home, it was like the meal Steven had started cooking was finally ready to eat. I immediately ran to my room, unlocked the lock box and grabbed the first outfit I could find. It was a cute set of a white blouse, accented by a light pink sweater vest, with a long black skirt. As I watched myself twirl around in the mirror, I didn't even need to put on make-up to see the beauty before me. I was exactly who I was supposed to be.
But, it wasn't enough. Something was missing. I'm still bottled up. Then the thought popped into my head. "Go outside."
"Hell no!" I said out loud.
It was a crazy idea. Taking myself outside in this outfit. I mean, what if someone saw. Then another thought bubbled up. "What if all they saw was a beautiful woman?" What the hell was wrong with me? Did Steven's words really have so much influence on me that I really thought going outside in this outfit was a good idea? No, I was going crazy. But the thought kept coming back into my mind, over and over again. "Go outside, go outside, for the love of God, go outside."
And just like that, my legs began to move. I don't think I ordered them to move, it certainly wouldn't be something I'd do of my own volition. But, against all odds, they were moving all the same. First, they left the room; I of course, still being attached to my legs, followed them closely. Then, they walked up the stairs. Finally, they walked up to the front door and, as if my whole body was now following in my legs' footsteps, my arm reached out towards the door knob.
It was at this moment I realized I still had control over my body. I could at any time stop myself from opening the door. But, if that was the case, why do I find my hand twisting the knob and pulling the door inward? It was because that is what I wanted. Steven's words weren't controlling me. It was more that they were influencing me. Finally, this time at my control, my legs began to walk again and I was outside my family's home.
It was a breezy day, being that the season was changing to winter. Every leaf on the trees surrounding the house had fallen, meaning that anyone watching the property would be able to see me. Even knowing that, I still continued to walk around as my skirt slightly wavered back and forth with the wind. It wasn't like someone was going to immediately spot me. We lived in a more remote part of town in the woods. While we did have neighbors who could see into our lawn, most of them, besides the crazy old man next door, would be at work. Still, just the possibility that someone could spot me made me imagine the worst outcomes.
Of course they'd immediately know that I was a man in woman's clothing. Not only that, they'd know exactly who I was and exactly the right people to tell to ensure that everyone I cared about in my life would know my secret. But, even thinking of all that and half believing these absurdities to be true, I didn't want to stop. It was so utterly freeing, knowing that not only was I being my true self, but that I was willing to risk being outed as a freak to be that true self out in the world.
That was how it all started. That was my first step into a whole new world.