At 11, I made my way to room 117, just as the woman had told me to. The marker on the door said "LGBT Alliance".
As I walked into the room, I was greeted by one young woman, one guy, and the woman from yesterday, now dressed in women's clothing.
"Ah, you actually showed up." The man said.
"I told you they'd show." Said one of the women. "You owe me ten bucks."
"Shut it, Bella." Said the woman from yesterday. "You, sit down." She said, pointing at me.
I picked one of the desks near her and sat down as she commanded. She then proceeded to take the desk in front of it and turned it around to face me.
"Hi." She said awkwardly.
"Hi." I said back, just as awkwardly.
"Um, before we start, what's your name?"
"It's Sonny."
"Well, Sonny, nice to meet you properly. My name is Katherine."
"Nice to meet you properly, Katherine."
"Now, you wanted to know what transgender means, right?"
"Yeah. I looked it up online last night, but I'm still not sure what it all means."
"Ok, let's start from the basics. A transgender person is a person whose gender identity is different from their assigned gender at birth."
"Can you simplify that a little?"
"Um, well, I was born a woman. Or, that is to say, my parents called me a woman when I was born. Biologically, I am a woman. My birth certificate and my driver's license say I'm a woman. But I identify as a man."
"You mean you want to be a man."
"No, I am a man" Katherine said with a touch of anger in her voice.
"I don't understand. How can you be a man, when you were born as a woman."
"That's just what being transgender is. It's like how you wish you were born a woman. Well, in a way, I wish I was born a man. I believe I was meant to be born a man."
"So, you dress up as a man, so people think you are one?"
"I dress up as a man, because that is what I am. But, yes, I do want people to see me as a man."
"But, your name is Katherine. And you dress like a woman."
"Yes, but that's because when I go to school, I girl-mode."
"They're not gonna understand that!" Said the woman probably called Bella.
"I dress up as a woman and use my birth name in order to fit in."
"But, to clarify, you believe yourself to be a man?"
"Yes."
"Do you- Do you have a guy name you use?"
"Keith is the name I'm particular to right now."
"Keith?"
"It's a nice name."
"Keith is a lovely name." Said the man whose name I did not know.
"Thank you, Cloud." Said Katherine/Keith.
"So, you would prefer if I referred to you as a man, right?"
"In this room and when I'm presenting as a man, yes. Anywhere else in the school or if you see me out in public girl-moding, no."
"Ok, I'll try to refer to you as a guy in those situations. I do apologize if I make a mistake though."
"The fact that you're willing to try is enough. So, uh, what do you feel like being referred to as?"
"Me? Well, I'm a guy, but I really like it when people think I'm a woman. If it's okay, can you refer to me as a woman when I'm here? I'd like to try it some more."
"Absolutely. Do you want us to call you by a different name too?"
"No, I think Sonny can be a woman's name as much as a guy's name."
"Yes, it's very gender neutral." Said the boy who's name was probably Cloud.
"Gender neutral?"
"It means it doesn't have to be male or female." Said Keith.
"Just like me!" Said the man whose name was probably Cloud.
"Um, why don't you introduce me to everyone here? Before we continue."
"Sure." Said Keith. "This is Bella."
The large women came over and shook my hand with a firm grip.
"Hi, my pronouns are she/her."
"Pronouns?"
"Like how Keith prefers to be referred to as a male. Pronouns are stuff like she/her/he/him/they/them."
"They/them?"
"That's me!"
The guy who was probably named Cloud walked up to me and enthusiastically shook my hand with a strong grip.
"My name is Cloud. I'm also Bella's partner. My pronouns are they/them."
"I don't understand. What does they/them mean?"
"It's a bit hard to explain, but it means I don't identify as a man or a woman."
"But you look like a guy."
"That's because I present as masculine."
"So, even though you don't align to any specific gender, you like to look like a guy?"
"Not look like a guy, but look masculine."
"I don't fully get it, but ok. It's nice to meet everyone."
"It's always nice to have a fresh face in here." Said Cloud.
"So, let me ask, what are your pronouns?" Asked Keith.
"Hmmm, I guess I'd like to try out she/her, since I've never had the chance to try it before."
"So, you're trans then?"
"No, I'm just a guy who wishes they were a woman."
Bella gave out a loud sigh.
"She doesn't get it."
"Sonny, wanting to be a woman is what being trans is." Said Keith.
"So, wanting to be a woman makes me trans."
"Well-"
"Not necessarily!" Interjected Bella. "Not to say that doesn't mean you aren't trans. But, why do you want to be a woman exactly?"
"Now, Bella, that's a very personal question." Said Cloud.
"No, it's fine. I can't come here asking for answers and not give you some of my own. When I think about it, it feels so very wrong to be a man. Being a man to me, it's like someone made a choice for me and I'm just supposed to go along with it. If I had been given the chance to make the choice, I would have chosen to be a woman instead. It just feels logical to want to be a woman. It's the correct choice for arguably everyone, if you ask me."
"Except there are people, people like Keith and people like Cloud who disagree with you on that."
"And I don't understand that. It makes no sense."
"It's not supposed to make sense to you. Your gender is your own decision. From what you tell me, I would say that you are most likely trans."
"Most likely? Isn't there some way to know for sure."
"Absolutely not. Not the way you're looking for."
"I'd say, the best way to discover if you're trans or not is to take steps towards things that make you happy." Said Keith. "If it makes you happy to wear women's clothing, then do that. If it makes you happy to be referred to as a woman, then insist upon that. If the idea of becoming a woman makes you happy, you should do whatever is necessary to achieve that goal."
"That wasn't the answer I was looking for. I wish-"
"There is no sure fire way, and wishing for one won't do anything for you." Said Bella.
"Well, if there is no guaranteed answer, I want to explore more. I don't fully get all this stuff-"
"No one expects you to get it immediately." Said Cloud.
"Thank you, Cloud. I want to understand what it is that I am. Would you all help me with that?"
"Of course." Said Keith and Cloud.
"Alright." Said Bella.
"Actually," said Cloud, "I have an idea? Since this is the LGBT alliance club, why don't we have little presentations to teach Sonny about being trans?"
"That sounds like a great idea, babe!"
"I agree. What do you think Sonny, want to take a course in trans and LGBT studies?"
"Absolutely."
A chance to learn about myself would be awesome.
"How about, say each one of us pick a topic we're interested in and go once a week." Said Cloud.
"Sounds good to me." Said Keith.
"Thanks guys. Other than learning about being trans, I think the first thing I want to do is have more public outings in my women's outfits, since I only just started doing them. Would one of you be able to help me with that?"
"Actually, I've been going out as a guy for a while now, I could definitely help you out; and that could give us some time to discuss some of the things you don't understand about being trans." Said Keith.
"You free tomorrow after school?"
"Yeah."
And so the date was set. Keith and I decided we would go to the local park for a walk.
It was the next day and I was looking through some of the new clothes I had just gotten. As it was my first time out with someone else while wearing my women's clothing, I decided to pick a nice outfit. Today's pick would be a nice pair up of a red blouse and a long blue skirt. Something especially feminine, which I imagined would help push me more in this situation. By the time I got myself ready, there was a knock at the basement door. I went to open it up and there was Keith, dressed in a brown sweater shirt, and dark blue dress pants, with a blue jacket draped over his shoulder. To say it simply, he looked good.
"Dressing nice today?"
"Yeah, I decided I wanted to look good for our little get together. You yourself look nice too. I really like the overalls."
"No, I feel like I'm underdressed compared to you."
"No need to feel that way, you look beautiful."
There was that word again, beautiful. I've called myself beautiful a dozen different times, but no one else has ever called me beautiful before.
"Th- Thank you."
"No problem. Now, you ready to go?"
"Yeah, let's go!"
I locked the basement door behind me and walked beside Keith as he led me to his pickup truck.
"By the way, I got you something." Said Keith.
"Oh, you didn't have to get me a gift."
"It's not a gift, it's a book."
Keith handed me a small black leather bound book.
"There's no words in this book."
"No, you add the words yourself. I want you to write about the things you learn about being trans. The little discoveries you make. Maybe it'll better help you learn."
"Thanks. I'll make sure to use it."
As we got in and he started the engine, I couldn't help but ask "So, what's up with the pickup truck?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, it's old and rusty."
"Carla isn't rusty."
"Carla? You named your car Carla?"
"Yeah, you didn't name your car?"
"No, I didn't. My car is just a car."
"Well, Carla is more than a car. She's a reliable little demon."
"Ok, well why are you driving such an old devil?"
"She's what I could afford at the time."
"Oh, so you bought this thing?"
"Yeah, I saved up for months to be able to get her."
"My parents actually got me my car."
"That's nice. My parents offered to buy me a car, but I wanted to earn it on my own."
"No way would I turn down a free car."
"I like to feel like I worked hard for what I have. But, there's nothing wrong with taking a gift like that."
I liked that answer. I was afraid Keith would say something like I was spoiled or privileged.
We continued driving and I would occasionally come up with little bits of small talk. It was awkward for me; other than Steven, I hadn't talked to many people in a long while. Eventually we got to the park, Keith parked the truck and we both got out and began to walk down the path.
"It's a very nice day out, don't you think?"
"Oh, I totally agree. It's not even that cold for December."
"Well, it did only just switch over to winter. I hear it might actually be cold enough to snow next week."
"Oh, really. I really enjoy the snow."
"Yeah, the snow is nice. But it does suck that the water's gonna freeze over soon."
We walked deeper and deeper into the wooded area of the park, continuing to talk about a variety of different things. Keith apparently enjoyed paddle boating and, until recently, had been taking her inflatable boat onto the lake as often as possible. I had never been on a boat before. Keith likened it to being alone in your own floating world, just you and the sun. I talked about the different variety of outfits I had accumulated, how I picked each piece of clothing to perfectly match and create an image of beauty and femininity.
"That's so cool. You really do look cute in that outfit."
"Thanks."
"You know, a lot of people think it's easy for me to pick out guy clothes, but I put in a lot of effort myself into getting the right look."
"Oh, I can tell. The outfit you have on today is absolutely stunning."
"You think so?"
"Are you kidding me? You look so amazing."
"Thank you. Do you think I look like a guy?"
My instinctual response was to just say yes, but instead, I took a moment to actually look over Keith's body. It was hard to deny that his face had some feminine features, even with the well done make-up he was wearing. But, the outfit, the hair, and just the general fact that I myself was a feminine looking guy, all came together to make me give a confident and truthful answer of "Yes".
"And I think you look like a woman."
"You really mean that? I mean this outfit isn't that overly feminine."
"It doesn't have to be feminine. You look feminine without it and without all the make-up. I've seen you in boy mode before and I gotta say, you still have a feminine appearance to you."
As the conversation continued further on, we eventually hit the end of the wooded trail and turned back around. For the rest of the walk back, we mostly just observed the picturesque nature and the few animals that scurried along our path. It was a very nice day, a better day than I'd had in a long long time. Truly, this was the way to live. Perhaps, there was something to this whole transgender thing I was missing out on.
"Keith, let me ask you something. About being transgender, I mean."
"Oh, sure, go ahead."
"How- How did you know you were trans? I mean, I feel like I would be happier as a woman, but I don't know if I can say I am a woman trapped in a man's body. It's hard to understand and explain it, but it's like-"
"It's like something is wrong, right?"
"Yeah, kinda. I mean, to me, if I could just flip a magic switch that could change me into an actual woman, I wouldn't even think twice about it. But, to actually call myself a woman, to change my body like I've seen on the internet…"
"It's a lot, isn't it? I'll be honest with you. For me it was easy to know I was trans. I had always felt uncomfortable being a woman. I would call myself a man and act like a man. I even wondered when my penis would grow in. Heh. I learned about transitioning at an early age and instantly knew that was what I wanted."
"That must be nice, to just know what you are and not have to question it. Maybe that means I'm not trans?"
"Oh, no, you shouldn't think that. There are a lot of trans people who questioned what they were. I mean, just ask Cloud."
"Cloud isn't trans, they're non-binary."
"Non-binary is a form of being trans."
"Really?"
"Yeah, in fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Cloud's presentation was about being non-binary.
"Hmm, well, I guess that'll be a great opportunity to learn about it."
And right about when our conversation ended, we made it out of the woods. We quickly made our way to the truck and as we drove off, I made sure to write down what I had learned in my book.
'Some people know they're trans inherently. They have distinct knowledge that they are not the gender they were assigned at birth.'
By the time we got back to my house, it was already late in the day. Too late, actually. As Keith pulled up, I saw my parents' cars in the driveway. They were home. They were home and I was dressed up fully in women's clothing. This was a nightmare. This wasn't just a nightmare, at least nightmares end, at least you don't have to feel the pain of your parents disowning you, at least you don't have to worry if you'll have somewhere to sleep tomorrow.
"Do me a favor and keep driving. Just don't speed up too fast. Be real casual about it."
"Why are you acting so weird?"
"Just keep driving. My parents are home."
"Oh shit! I assume they don't know about the whole clothes thing?"
"Hell no, they don't know. And there's no way I'm gonna let them know right now. Now, just keep driving."
As Keith continued to drive up the road, my mind ran at a million miles a minute trying to figure out what I can do to save myself. Maybe, if I'm lucky, they're not in the basement. Maybe they're already upstairs watching tv. No, they would have checked up on me if they didn't see me downstairs, and with my car in the driveway, the only way I would have gotten out is if someone came to pick me up. They're gonna want to ask questions, they could be waiting for me right outside my door. Even if they're not, there's still a chance dad will be downstairs in his workshop. I definitely can't let him catch me like this. What can I do? Fuck, what can I do!!!
Suddenly, Keith pulled over to a section of the road, with nothing but trees on both sides.
"Why are you pulling over?"
"Take your clothes off."
"What?!"
"You heard me; I said take your clothes off."
Keith begins to take his shirt off.
"What the hell are you doing?"
"Don't you get it? If we switch clothes, you can walk into your house looking like a boy."
As Keith lifted his shirt over his head, I saw some kind of bra like thing on top of his chest.
"What is that?"
"It's a binder. It's meant to compress my breasts so I look more like a guy. Now take your blouse off."
Realizing that Keith was right, I unbutton my blouse and take it off. For a moment, Keith stares at my exposed chest before something makes me instinctively cross my arms in front of it to block his view.
"Sorry, that was… sorry."
I took Keith's sweater and put it on over my head, while he put my blouse on himself. I then slipped my skirt off and quickly grabbed the pair of jeans he had just taken off, trying to minimize the chances of him looking at my panties as I shimmied them on. I didn't get to see Keith's underwear, but it didn't really matter that much to me. With both of us dressed in each other's clothes, and me removing my wig, I realized how silly Keith looked.
"You look like a guy dressed as a girl."
"That's exactly the kind of thing I want to hear."
Keith put the car back into drive and turned around to head back to my house. Once we arrived I had Keith pull over in front of a tree so nobody would see me get out of the truck. I hopped out and walked to the basement entrance, hearing Keith's truck drive off. Once I got inside, I could hear the tv going upstairs and saw no light in my father's workshop. I guess I freaked out for no good reason.