A Few Days Later
Barney showed up at MacLaren's with a stack of flyers.
"My play," he announced, handing them out. "Opens tomorrow."
Lily grabbed one. "'Moist'? Your play is called 'Moist'?"
"Yes. It's a monologue about the word 'moist' and its power."
"Its power?"
"You'll find out. And bring a poncho. The first three rows get wet."
The theater was just as shabby as the day Lily had presented her play. Eight flights of stairs. The same smell of urine. The same folding chairs.
But the play...
The play was something else.
Barney walked out onto the stage, looked at the audience, and said:
"Moist."
Silence.
"Moist."
No one moved.
"Moist. Moist. Moist."
For forty minutes, Barney said "moist" in every possible way. Using every variation he could think of, he used whichever made Lily most uncomfortable.
Whispered.
Shouted.
Sung.
In a British accent.
In a French accent.
In a robot accent.
Forty minutes.
Then, twenty minutes with a brief participation from Ted—again without his consent—and Marshall muttered his envy: "They never pick me for audience participation."
And then, things got weird.
Barney put on a robot costume and started talking about feelings.
"Feelings... inside... cannot... process..."
The audience (the four of them and three other people) didn't know where to look.
"Robot finds love!" Barney shouted, pointing at an empty chair. "My software confused. My system hacked. Toaster... you are the one."
Lily couldn't take it anymore. "Okay! Okay! You win! Barney, you win! I'm sorry I made you come to my play."
Barney stopped. He smiled. "Really?"
"Yes. Your play is horrible, but you win. Please, stop."
"And what do you think of my play?"
Lily hesitated. "It's... it's..."
"Yes?"
"It's horrible. But you admit yours was too."
Barney nodded. "Deal."
And then, Barney said something no one expected: "You know what? The second part is even better. The robot actually falls in love with a toaster. It's very deep. If you want to stay?" he said, barely hiding his anticipation.
They looked at each other.
"Really?" asked Ted.
"It's your funeral."
They stayed because that's what friends do. They watch other friends' terrible plays and pretend to like them.
Or at least, they stay until the end.
Robin's Apartment
The next morning, Ted called Robin. She didn't answer. He went to her apartment.
The door was slightly ajar. Inside, Robin sat on the floor, eyes red.
"Robin? What's wrong?"
Robin pointed at the empty dog beds. "I took them to my aunt's farm."
Ted froze. "What?"
"You were right. It was hypocritical to make you get rid of your things when I still had my exes' dogs."
"Robin, dogs aren't things. They're living beings."
"I know. But they're also memories. Of Derek. Of Simon. Of..."
"Robin, you didn't have to do this."
"Yes. I did." She looked at him. "And you? Did you really throw everything away?"
Ted nodded. "Everything."
Robin smiled weakly. "We're a pair of idiots."
"The best idiots."
They hugged, and in that moment, something changed.
That Night
Ted and Robin were at Ted's apartment. Empty of exes' things. Just them.
"You know?" said Robin. "I've been feeling bad about the dogs."
"Me too, about the things."
"But I think... I think this is good. Starting fresh. No ghosts from the past."
Ted looked at her. "Starting fresh?"
"Yeah. I mean..." She hesitated. "What if we move in together?"
The silence was absolute.
"Together?" Ted repeated.
"Yes. You and me. An apartment. Our things. No dogs, no exes, no... nothing from the past."
Ted kissed her. "Yes."
"Yes?"
"Yes."
They laughed, they hugged, and in that moment, in the apartment empty of ghosts, they decided to take the next step.
The Next Day at MacLaren's
"We're moving in together!" they announced to the group.
Marshall hugged them, Lily did too, Alyx smiled from her corner.
Barney raised an eyebrow. "Together? You're going to share an apartment?"
"Yes, Barney. That's what people do when they love each other."
"How strange. When I love someone, I buy them a suit and fire them."
No one paid him any attention.
Alyx approached Lily. "Did you know anything about this?"
"No. But I'm happy for them."
"And you? How are you feeling about the dogs?"
Lily sighed. "Robin's okay. And the dogs are on a real farm with Robin's aunt and her... 'friend' Betty."
"Friend in quotes?"
"Yeah. I think Robin's aunt has a special 'friend.'"
Alyx smiled. "Like us."
Lily kissed her. "Like us."
Marshall wrapped his arms around them. "My girls."
"Your girls," Alyx confirmed.
And so, while Ted and Robin celebrated their new life together and Barney planned his next theatrical revenge, the three stayed in their corner of MacLaren's—happy, complete, together.
Living Room, 2030
"And so, kids, the War of the Things ended. Robin moved out of her apartment. The dogs went to a farm. Barney wrote a play so horrible that to this day, when someone says 'moist,' Lily shudders."
"And Aunt Alyx?" asks Ted's daughter.
"Aunt Alyx... well, Aunt Alyx drew something special that night. She drew Lily on stage, radiant. She drew Barney as a robot in love with a toaster. And she drew Robin and me, embracing, with a background of dogs running toward a farm."
"And Lily's cactus?" asks Luke.
Ted smiles.
"The cactus is still in their apartment because, as she said, things with a heartbeat can stay. Even though cacti don't have a heartbeat. But well, it's Lily."
He raises his imaginary glass.
"To the things. To the dogs. And to plays so bad they hurt. Because in the end, kids, what matters isn't the things you keep, but the people you share them with."
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