I DON'T RETURN to the room for the rest of the day. I feel like a coward, but I can't help it. I don't know what to say or do after that. After we almost...
I don't even want to think about it.
I'm not... just going to avoid him again, obviously. He'd just hunt me down again, and then...
Uh.
I—I'm not going to just hide from him. I just need a little time to. Process. Which is to say that I might die of embarrassment or do some very... rash things. If I were to immediately go back to our room. And he were there.
As it happens, while I'm definitely not skulking through the hallway, I cross paths with Jxyim. She's a rare sight and I feel a flood of relief at seeing her. She's always been someone I can talk to. She's wise and kind and gentle. She won't judge me or tease me. She'll just listen and understand.
"Jxyim!" I call out, and rush to her side.
She turns her head and smiles at me, her long hair floating behind her. Her eyes are a deep purple, and they glow faintly. She's one of the most beautiful beings I've ever seen, and I still can't help but be amazed every time I see her.
"Hello, Sarah. How are you?" She says, her voice soft and melodic. "I had heard you were injured in the Galactic Center but your light is as bright as ever. I am relieved to see you well."
"Oh. Yeah. I'm fine." I say, and then add more quietly, "Llywelyn is fine, too."
She nods. "I am glad to hear that. He is a good friend to you."
I bite my lip and look down at my feet. I don't know if I can say that. I mean, he is my friend. But he's also...
"Jxyim... do your people have... like... romance?"
She blinks and then shakes her head. "Our light is shared. We are many, and one. It is not possible, what you say." Her lips turn up into a faint smile. "But I have been attempting to experience it."
"Oh—what?" I look up at her, confused.
She gestures for me to follow her, and we start walking down the corridor. "Master been attempting to teach me."
I'm not sure if I want to know what that means? But I find myself asking, "What do you mean?"
"He has been showing me stories of romance. Of love between two. It is fascinating. I can see why you would find it appealing." She says, and her eyes turn a lighter shade of purple. "It seems to bring such joy and pain and passion. I have never felt such things, but I can imagine them."
I'm... not sure how to respond to that. I don't even know where to begin. "So... you're learning about... human romance? Like in books or movies or...?"
"Not human romance. But individual romance." She says. "Master has a large collection of such stories. He says they are from different worlds and cultures, and that they reflect different kinds of love. He says that love is universal, and that it is one of the most beautiful things in the universe."
Wow. I... I never expected Xilukulkas to be such a romantic. I always thought he was more... pragmatic. Or aloof.
But I guess he does have a soft spot for his... his slaves. His friends. His... family?
Maybe. I don't know.
"What do you think?" I ask, curious. "Do you like them?"
She smiles and nods. "Yes. Very much. They are enlightening and enchanting. They make me feel things I have never felt before. They make me want to experience them myself."
I raise an eyebrow. "You 'want' something?"
She hums and shakes her head. "Not exactly. It is... an attempt to mimic it. Does it sound foolish?"
I shake my head quickly. "No, no, of course not. I understand. I think." I don't think I understand. But she's trying. I get that.
"Master has been very helpful. He has given me many suggestions. And he has answered all my questions with patience and kindness. He is a good teacher."
I can't imagine what kind of questions she would ask him. Or what kind of suggestions he would give her. I feel a bit uncomfortable thinking about it.
But then, he's... very good at explaining things. I guess I can see why he'd be a good teacher. And why she'd trust him.
"So... have you tried any of them? The suggestions?" I ask, trying to sound casual.
She nods again. "Yes. Some of them are quite easy and pleasant. Like holding hands. Or hugging. Or complimenting someone. Others are more difficult and confusing. Like kissing. Or declaring one's love. Or mating."
I nearly choke on my own spit. "You—You've done all that?"
She looks at me with her serene expression and says, "I have tried many things. I had a beautiful hand-holding session with Mira. She was so happy and excited. She said I was very good at it." She pauses. "Master also tried. It was more... interesting. It made my light shine brighter."
I blink.
What.
"Uh... and what about... the other things?"
She waves her hand as if it's nothing. "Mating is still beyond me. Master explained it but... I am not sure how to begin." She sighs softly. "And kissing... I attempted it but Llywelyn screamed very loudly and pushed me away."
I stare at her.
She tried to kiss Llywelyn?
When?
How?
Why?
"He said he would prefer to die. He is very dramatic. It is as I expect from him now, but at the time, I was surprised." She says, and her eyes turn a darker shade. "It was very disappointing."
"Why... would you? Want to kiss Llywelyn?" I ask, my voice sounding strange even to me.
"Master said it should be someone I trust, and Llywelyn has always been my friend. I thought he would understand and help me." She says, and then looks at me. "Would you?"
"Would I what?" I ask, my heart pounding in my ears.
"Would you kiss me? I have not had a successful attempt yet. And I think you would be better at it than Llywelyn."
I gape at her, not knowing what to say.
She's serious. She wants me to kiss her.
She wants to learn how to do it.
She trusts me.
"Uh." My brain.... crashes. Briefly. "Kissing. Should come... after. Dating!" I manage to say. "L-like... with... h-hand holding. And... compliments. And... uhhhh." I'm a coward and a hypocrite. But I'm not ready to kiss a living beam of light. I like her very much, but I think that would be like kissing the sun. I might die. "You should... a—ask someone you like on a date. First." Yeah. Yeah that's good advice. Really good.
She tilts her head and considers my words. "A date. Yes. I have read about that. It is a formal invitation to spend time together and get to know each other better. That sounds... appropriate." She nods. "Thank you, Sarah. You are very helpful."
I let out a sigh of relief. "You're welcome."
She smiles at me. "You are a very good friend, too. I appreciate you."
I smile back. "You too."
She looks around the corridor and then back at me. "I must go now. I have a meeting with Master. He says he has a new story for me." She says, and her eyes turn a pinkish hue. "I am very excited."
"I'm happy for you."
"Thank you." She says, and then turns to leave.
I watch her go, feeling a bit dazed. This was definitely not the conversation I expected to have today. It did not really help me with any... dilemmas. But...
I glance down at my hands and struggle to smother a very stupid, unnecessary smile.
Llywelyn refused to kiss her.
Very dramatically.
But he kissed me.
And he said he wants me.
And he loves me.
And...
I don't know what to do with that.
But I...
I want to go see him. I want to talk to him. I want to kiss him again. I want to figure this out together.
I take a deep breath and start walking toward our room.
I'm not going to avoid him anymore. I'm not going to run away. I'm going to face him.
And hopefully...
Hopefully we can make some sense of this.
Whatever this is.
***
The lights are off when I enter our room, and I can see that the bed is empty. He's not here. But where...?
I frown and look around. Maybe he's in the bathroom? Or the living area?
I walk to the bathroom door and knock. "Llywelyn? Are you in there?"
No answer.
I open the door and peek inside. The bathroom is dark and empty. He's not there.
I guess... there's no reason I should have assumed he'd just be sitting here waiting for me. He's... probably just getting dinner. Or something.
I sigh and walk to my bed. I sit down and kick off my shoes. I lie back on the pillow and close my eyes.
I feel a bit... disappointed. And anxious. And relieved. And frustrated.
Why am I such a coward?
Why can't I just talk to him like a normal person?
Why do I have to make everything so complicated?
I groan and cover my face with my hands.
I just want...
I don't even know what I want anymore.
I just want him to be happy. I want him to be healthy. I want him to be... here. With me.
Is that too much to ask?
I hear the door slide open and I sit up, my heart racing.
This is it. I'm going to just. Confront this, we're going to figure this out and... I don't know. Something good will happen. No more uncertainty. No more wasted time.
I stand up as I see his silhouette in the door, just before he flicks the light on.
He freezes.
His mouth is full of the biggest ice cream cone I have seen in my life.