"WHY?" I ASK, trying to keep my voice steady.
"You've been avoiding me." He says, and his tone is accusatory.
I don't know what to say to that. It's true. But I don't want to admit it.
"I... haven't..." I lie, and it sounds lame even to me.
He snorts. "Yes, you have. You've been running away from me for days. You haven't come back to the room. You haven't eaten with me. You haven't talked to me. You haven't even looked at me." He says, and I can hear the hurt and anger in his voice. "What did I do, Sarah? What did I say? Why are you doing this?"
I flinch at his words. I don't want to answer him. I don't want to tell him the truth. I don't want to confess how selfish I am, or... or expose... things he could use to hurt me. Even if the 'hurt' is nothing more than... laughter or rejection.
I'm supposed to be angry right now. Full of hate.
Not...
This is not when we should be discussing this. But when I try to move, his hands grab my arms and hold me still.
"Sarah..." He says, and his voice softens a little. "Please. Talk to me."
"Why should I have to? You're not privy to my every thought. I don't have to justify myself to you, I don't need to share anything with—" I falter, because he looks... struck.
His hands drop from me as if I've hit him, and he steps back. "You don't... have to. I apologize. I just—"
I almost say 'good'. I almost tell him to leave me alone and walk away.
But his eyes are so hurt. His expression is so vulnerable. His veins glow a faint, pulsing blue.
I can't do it.
I'm apparently just not a strong enough person.
I reach out and touch his arm, and for a moment, I expect he'll snap and slap my hand away and that will be that. But he doesn't. His skin is warm and smooth under my fingers. I bite my lip and look away from him.
"I just... I'm trying... to not say or do something that might hurt... either of us."
"You're not doing very well. At that."
I glare at him, and he just looks back at me with those golden eyes. No venom. No mockery. Just... looking.
"I—" Damn it. Damn it, I am an adult and I. Will. Act like one. I draw in a breath and force myself to look up at him again. "I just. Realized. That Akutwas and humans... we might—"
He tenses under my hand. "Sarah—"
"I—I just mean. That I've been assuming you want things that a human might. That I—I realized. That. I... was being unfair and didn't know. How to be fair."
I don't know how I managed to actually say that. It's... nonsensical. It's not even completely true, but saying even that much out loud is so difficult. I'm practically shaking with the effort of saying it.
"I... I don't want to try to make... you human. Just because I'm here. Akutwas want different things so I—"
"Who said what I want?" His voice is rough and low and my mouth shuts. He closes the distance between us, caging me with his arms once more. He leans down, bringing his face to mine. His breath is warm on my lips, and his eyes are burning. "Don't you dare assume you know what I want, Sarah. I'll tell you what I want."
My heart is racing in my chest and I can't breathe. I can't think. I can only stare at him, feeling trapped and... and something else.
What does he want?
What is he going to say?
He doesn't speak. He closes the gap between us and kisses me.
He kisses me.
Hard.
His lips are soft and hot against mine. They move with urgency and hunger. They claim me, possess me. They make me forget everything else.
I kiss him back, just as fiercely. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him closer. I open my mouth and let his tongue explore me. I taste salt and sweetness and something that is purely him.
He groans and deepens the kiss. His hands slide down my back and grip my waist. He lifts me up and pins me against the bookshelf. I gasp as I feel the hard edge of the shelf press against my back.
This... this is. Not the library. This is not where I expected to be kissing him. This is not what I expected to happen. I didn't think... he...
"Sarah..." He whispers against my lips, and his voice is full of need. "I want you. Only you. Always. Nishi'an always. I don't care if you're human or Akutwas or anything else. I just care that you're you. And I love you."
I feel tears in my eyes and I kiss him again. I don't care about anything else right now. I don't care about the past or the future or the consequences. I just want to be with him.
His hands move up and under my shirt, and I shiver as his cool fingers touch my skin. He strokes my sides and my ribs, and I feel a fire ignite in my belly. I arch into him, wanting more.
He breaks the kiss and looks down at me. His eyes are bright and his veins glow brilliant blue-white.
He looks...
Well. It's too cheesy to say. How beautiful he looks to me.
"Do you... understand. What I want, now?" He asks, his voice husky. "Because I will repeat the explanation until it's thoroughly clear."
I swallow and nod. "Yes. I... I think I do."
"Good." He hesitates then, his ears flicking, and he looks... up. Off into the distance. "That's. What. You wanted... too... right?"
I snort. "What. You're really asking me that now?"
He looks back at me with a glare that I'm pretty sure he means to look intimidating but looks more like a pout to me. "You are. Unlivable, hetchki"
"Don't hetchki me, you hetchki."
He presses a hand over my mouth. "Do not defile my language while I am holding you." He snarls quietly, and the pulse in his veins flickers between white and pink.
I raise a brow at him, but I don't make a sound.
His eyes soften just slightly. "I just. Need you to... be clear about it. I can't..."
I reach up and gently pull his hand from my mouth. I kiss his knuckles and whisper. "It's what I want too. And it doesn't matter if you're human or Akutwas. I love you. And I want you. So... please." I kiss his hand again. "Continue."
His eyes flash and he kisses me again, harder than before. He lifts me up and carries me to one of the tables. He sweeps the books and papers on it to the floor and lays me down on it. He climbs on top of me and kisses me all over my face and neck.
I moan and run my hands through his hair, tugging gently on the strands. He growls and bites my earlobe.
"Sarah..." He breathes against my skin, sending shivers down my spine. "I'm... you drive me to madness and distraction. I'm going to—"
"OH YOU ARE MATING!" Mira's voice suddenly exclaims.
We both freeze.
I turn my head and see Mira standing by the door, her eyes wide and sparkling. "I'm sorry to interrupt! But I'm so happy for you! You're finally doing it! You look so beautiful together!"
Llyuwelyn vanishes in an instant. He bolts off of me and stands by the table, his veins glowing a bright bluish-white. "Pith'yank-quio Mira! Nishi'an reh!"
I sit up, trying to catch my breath and fix my clothes. I can feel my face burning and I don't dare look at either of them. "I—it's lunchtime! I'm going! To the buffet!" I lie, and run out of the room.