I look out the window, and I see Llywelyn talking to the guards. He's gesturing wildly, and his collar is still glowing. Mira is standing next to him, and she's nodding along, her expression serious.
The guards, who'd begun to get suspicious, seem to relax and nod, turning and pointing the way they came.
Llywelyn nods and the group begins to walk away. He turns his face up toward me. A faint smile on his lips. His eyes are still sad.
I raise my hand, and press it against the window. He sees it, and his smile tightens, just a bit. Then he turns and walks away.
I watch him until he disappears through the door with the guards. I stare at the spot for a long time after he's gone.
I don't know. What he's doing. What his plan is to keep the guards away. Maybe he's planning to get them all to lead him back to the hotel. Or, more likely, he's just stalling them for a few more minutes so my ship has time to finish its calculations and lift off while they're too distracted to question it.
I press the button to shut the hatch and slump in my chair, staring down at the console as it quietly searches.
It just...
Doesn't make sense.
I've won.
After all these years, after torture and loss, after painful disappointment after disappointment, watching my friends leave while I stayed behind, and a year without seeing a single other human. After...
Four years, now?
Four?
An entire highschool.
It felt like so long in highschool. Four years of the same building, the same schedule, the same town, the same people. It felt endless. Like it'd never end. It made me want to crawl out of my skin and never stop running.
Now.
It feels like nothing.
Not nothing but... it's only the blink of an eye. Only a few days. Only a few moments of fear and pain and anger and struggle. It feels like an eternity. Like no time and an eternity, both at once.
I've won.
I should be running back home. I should be so relieved I'm screaming. I should be...
But I'm not.
Because I'm leaving him behind.
He's not coming with me.
And maybe he'll be okay. He can talk himself out of trouble. He can get back to the hotel. He can keep living that life he's been living. Keep going with Xilukulkas, keep traveling the galaxy. He'll be okay.
He's been okay for a long time before me, after all. We've barely known each other a year. He'll be fine.
But...
I just...
I stare down at the console, and my vision blurs.
I don't want to leave him.
I don't want to be without him.
I don't want to go back to my life, and leave him behind. He won't be there. He won't be a part of it. He'll be... he'll be gone.
I'll never see him again.
I'll never see him again.
I'll never see-
I slam the console with my fist. Not the keys, but the surface. It's hard and unyielding. It doesn't even dent.
"Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!" I yell, and my voice cracks. "What the hell am I doing?!" I hit the console again, and again, and again.
What the hell am I doing?!
"I want to go home! I want to see my mom! I want to see my friends! I want to go back!" I scream, and my tears are hot on my cheeks. "Take me back! Damn it! I've tried so fucking hard! Why can't I just get it?!"
I collapse on the console and scream into my arms. My shoulders shake, and my heart aches. I'm so tired. I'm so sick of this. I just want it to be over.
Why can't it just be over?
What is wrong with me?
I know I want to go home. I know I want to be with my family. I know I want to see...
To see...
Hestia and...
Alistair.
Then-
Why?
Why does it hurt so damn much? Why can't I make myself press one, stupid, easy little button?
It's not even like Llywelyn and Mira will die or-! Probably! Not even hurt! They'll be fine! I'll be fine! This is the way we can both be happy-
His face flashes through my mind. That. Sad smile he gave me through the window.
What he said...
What he said about being alone. It won't stop echoing in hmy mind.
"F-fuck you!" I scream hard enough to make my throat raw. "Fuck....! You! How dare! How dare-!"
I sit there, and I cry. I don't know how long. It feels like hours, but it's probably only minutes. I just... can't stop. I can't breathe. I can't think. I can't do anything but sob.
I'm not even sure what I'm crying for. For my lost life? For Llywelyn? For my own foolishness? For the universe and its cruelty? I don't know.
I just know that it hurts.
It hurts so much.
And I don't know how to make it stop.
Eventually, I do stop crying. I lift my head, and wipe my eyes. My nose is running, and my throat is sore. My face feels puffy and raw.
I look at the console, and the flashing button that will take me home.
I stare at it for a long time.
My hand hovers over it.
I can still do it. I can still leave. I can still go. I can still be free.
All I have to do is press it.
All I have to do...
Is press the fucking thing!
"Press it... press it! Do it!" I scream at myself, and my hand shakes. "Why are you being such a-!"
I...
Can't.
Because I'll regret it.
I'll regret it more than I can bear. I'll regret it for the rest of my life.
And I don't want to.
I want him. With me.
I want to be with him.
I want to see him smile and laugh and glow. I want to hear his voice and feel his touch. I want to be by his side.
I want him.
I'm so.
Fucking stupid.
I want to scream. Again. Maybe cry or... punch things.
I want to die and I want to go home and-
I slam my fist on the console, one last time. Hard enough to make a cracking noise. It hurts, and my hand immediately swells and throbs, but I ignore it.
I ignore everything.
I stand up, and wipe my face. I take a deep, shaky breath, and press the button to open the hatch.
"I hate you." I hiss, as if he can hear me. "More than anything."
I step out of the ship, and I look around. The warehouse is empty, and quiet. There's no one here. The guards are gone, and so is Llywelyn.
And Mira.
I swallow, and I march out the same doors they left.
They're-
Not actually far. Of course they're not. But it still takes me a few moments of rushing around like an idiot before I find them. Mira is... in the middle of some kind of ridiculous story, I think. I don't know. She's talking, and the guards are listening, and Llywelyn is standing behind them, looking annoyed.
He sees me first, and his eyes widen. He doesn't say anything, but his collar flashes bright pink. He looks... happy. And confused.
I walk up to them, and the guards turn to me. They're big, and intimidating, but I don't care.
"Master, I'm sorry, were you looking for me?" I ask, and I sound like a wreck. My voice is hoarse and my eyes are probably red. But they don't seem to notice.
"Ah, yes." One of them says, and he looks relieved. "This is the one you were looking for?"
"Didn't he say it was a male Gutghkahn-"
"It is." Llywelyn interrupts, and steps forward, his expression stern. "I was looking for her. She's my property."
"What is she?" One of the guards asks, squinting at me. "She doesn't look like any species I've ever seen."
"She's a human." Llywelyn says, his voice cold. "Sorry for taking your time. I'll have to have her conditioning checked." He glares at me. "She's supposed to be at the hotel, waiting for me."
"Oh, no need to apologize." Another guard says, and he bows his head a little. "It's our duty to protect the citizens of the empire. Even the subsapients. We're glad we could help."
Llywelyn hums, and nods. "Of course. Well, I'll be going." He says, and then he looks at me. "You. Follow me." He turns and starts walking away, and I trail after him.
Mira follows, too, and we walk in silence for a few minutes. I can feel the eyes of the guards on us, and I know they're watching us until we're out of sight.
When we're far enough away, Llywelyn stops, and turns to me. His expression is still stern, but his eyes are soft.
We've ducked between two brick buildings, in a small alley. Mira is sparkling and smiling at me with a sort of adorable excitement that reminds me of a puppy.
Llywelyn, though...
"What the hell are you doing?" He hisses, voice is low, expression a frustrated scowl. "Why didn't you go?"
"I-" I swallow. "I couldn't. I... I couldn't."
"Sarah, we can't just loop back around and try to sneak back in there-"
"I know!" I snap, and then lower my voice. "I mean. I kind of figured."
Actually I...
Didn't even think of that, and I feel a little stupid now not just planning to go back with both of them and try again.
But-
I guess it doesn't matter, does it?
"Because even if I try to leave again you won't come with, will you?" I ask, voice low.
He hesitates, and then sighs. "I can't." He admits. "I'm sorry, Sarah. I just-"
I clench my teeth.
My hands.
My eyes.
I-
I want to hit him. I want to kiss him. I want to grab him and shake him and yell at him until he agrees to come with me. I want to throw myself at him and beg him to stay with me.
I want to be selfish.
But I can't.
Because he's right. He can't come with me.
Whether it's because he'd be in danger or me, or because he'd hate it here, or he'd be unhappy... he can't.
So I...
I take a deep breath, and I turn to face him. His expression is soft, and sad, and his collar is glowing pink.
I reach out, and I grab his hand with my uninjured one. He squeezes back, and his skin is warm.
"I've decided." I say, and my voice is steady. "I'm going to stay."
He stares at me, and his eyes widen. "What? No! You can't-"
"Yes, I can." I interrupt. "I can stay. I don't have to leave. I don't have to run away. I can just... stay." I smile, and I know it's not a good smile. It's a bitter, broken smile. "I can stay with you."
He shakes his head, and his hand tightens on mine. "Sarah, no. You can't. You have to go. You have to go home."
"No. I don't." I say, and I sound so sure. So calm. So determined. "I don't have to do anything. I can choose. I keep telling you. I'm not some... sub-sapient. I'm not an animal. I get to choose. And I choose to stay." I swallow and glance away from him. Just for a moment. Before I force myself to look back up at him. "With. You."
His lips part, and his collar pulses a deep, deep pink. His eyes are bright and shining.
I take a deep breath and continue, "And I'm not going to change my mind, so don't try to talk me out of it. If you want me to leave, you'll have to drag me onto that ship and lock yourself in with me."
He's silent for a long moment, just staring at me like he can't believe what I'm saying.
And then he laughs.
He laughs, and it's a beautiful sound. It's bright and warm and full of joy. He laughs until tears are in his eyes, and he has to wipe them away.
I watch him, and I can't help but smile.
When he finally calms down, he looks at me again, and his smile is soft, and sweet.
"Then-"
Before he can finish whatever he's about to say, one of the walls we're standing next to explodes.
For just a moment I see light and fire, and a shocked expression on Llywelyn's face.
And then I slam into something so hard that everything goes black.