Science exams are finally over, and as I step out of the chemistry room, I feel lighter than I have in weeks. Lunch tastes different when your mind is not drowning in formulas and reactions, when no stress sits on your chest. I eat properly; I laugh properly, and for once I am not rehearsing answers in my head. The literature exam in the afternoon does not feel like a burden at all. Literature belongs to me. Words have always been easier than numbers. After lunch, I enter the classroom and immediately notice that my usual place is already taken. I do not argue. I simply move to the front table and sit down, placing my book carefully in front of me. I start revising plays, announcements, invitations. Then important definitions. I skim through prose writing tips, repeating them silently so they settle in my memory. I underline a few key points and try to focus completely, telling myself that this term I have to succeed more than the last one. I owe that to myself. I am just about to finish my small revision and head toward the exam hall when I hear someone call my name. I assume he is reading something, and I do not turn. Then he calls again, louder this time. I turn. Rafael. He is looking directly at me with that expression that makes it impossible to ignore him. He asks if he can use my paper for revision. I say no problem and hand it to him before turning back to my book, determined not to lose concentration. A moment later I feel him tap my back. I turn slowly. He asks if I know the meaning of my name, repeating it the way I once said it in a French tone. I tell him, of course, I know it. He asks what it means. I answer, "Grace or gracious." He nods like that answer means more than I understand. I turn back to my book again. Another tap. He asks me to remind him of some prose writing tips. I explain them briefly, trying not to look at him too long. Then he says we have not been talking for some time and that we should talk during the weekend. I tell him I'll go home on Friday. I see the disappointment in his eyes, even though he tries to hide it. He says that if I am going home on Friday, then he will try to remove the gap and stay the rest of the remaining days with me as much as possible. I do not know what to say to that, so I just laugh softly. The bell rings before anything else can happen. He wishes me good luck. I wish him the same and walk toward the exam room, grateful that this year our rooms are not near each other because I am blushing all the way there and I would rather die than let him see it.
After Literature exam, I meet Ivy as I am heading toward the dormitory, and we walk together like we always do. We are both relieved because upper seniors are finally done with science exams, which means the atmosphere around campus feels lighter, almost festive. We decide that instead of staying in dormitory, we will head to the playground to watch people play. It has become our little tradition: sitting and observing others while talking about things that do not even make sense sometimes. We sit there for a long time, commenting on random plays, laughing at nothing, letting our thoughts wander anywhere they want. I do not even know how our conversations jump from one topic to another, but I enjoy every second of it. When the bell rings, signaling shower time, we stand up. Just as I am about to leave, Rafael comes from behind me and whispers in my ear, making me ticklish and causing a small giggle to escape before I can stop it. "I will see you later, gracious," he mumbles. A shiver runs through me and I almost run away, but I know people are watching, so I stay calm and just nod in a silly, composed way. Ivy immediately starts shouting, "You have a date, you have a date," over and over until I hit her lightly and we both start running toward our dorm room like children. We begin preparing ourselves for the evening when suddenly I discover that my perfume, the one that has been missing for a week, was stolen by a girl in the room. The anger that rises inside me is immediate and fierce. I confront her and make sure she understands that stealing is not something I will ever tolerate. Soon enough I am called to the headmaster's office because she accuses me of reacting too harshly. However, my friends come in and explain the truth, stating that the girl had already been identified by the school girls' council for robbery and was being punished accordingly. The headmaster decides to send her home to bring her parents. By the time everything settles, it is already suppertime. We head to the dining hall, tired but still somehow energized by the drama. Later, during second prep, I go to search for a book I lost last week so I can return it to the library. Ivy comes with me while Leah stays behind reading Big Girls Do Cry by Carl Weber. I have already finished the novels I borrowed, so I do not mind the quiet walk to the library. After returning the books, Ivy and I sit near the chapel talking about silly things again, and I realize how much I genuinely enjoy her company. Before we enter the exit door of the building, a small boy, I assume is a lower senior, taps my arm, hands me a folded paper, and runs away before I can even ask his name. I slide it into my pocket without opening it and walk back to the dorm with Ivy. It is already past sleeping time. Well talking to Rfael didn't even happen.
The next day we have the art exam, and the afternoon is free. I barely speak to Rafael except in the morning when he asks to borrow one of my pencils because apparently he never has one when he needs it. In the evening prep, I decide to rewrite all my poems from draft into my poetry book. I am still standing, taking a bottle of water from Leah because I am extremely thirsty, when Rafael appears beside me. Before I can even sit properly, he asks for water. I hand him the bottle and he settles next to me, one arm resting on the table behind us and the other on our shared desk. "So you have decided not to talk to Rafael anymore?" he starts. I try not to sound suffocated as I reply that I did not decide it alone, that he was the one who said we did not have to talk again and I simply agreed. He raises one eyebrow and says, "Touché." Then he continues more seriously, saying that I hurt him and that I must know it. I answer honestly that I did whatever I did because he embarrassed me in front of everyone. He tells me I need to learn to control my temper. I agree because maybe he is right. After a few minutes, the tension fades and things slowly return to normal after he asks for forgiveness and I accept it. Then he mentions that this weekend is Mary's birthday and that his gift got lost during transport and he does not know what to do. I suggest that since exams will be over, it'll be allowed to go out during the weekend, so he could plan a small party with friends and surprise her, and send the actual gift during the holidays. He agrees and seems relieved.When the bell for super rings, we stand outside for a moment before walking toward the dining hall together. When we reach there he sits in his usual table before me. I could feel his gaze all during the super.
During second prep I sit in the far corner of the class, away from the noise, away from the movement, pretending to read a story book but not really seeing the words in front of me. My mind is somewhere else entirely. Of course I am thinking about Rafael. About the way he said he would remove the gap. About the way he looked when I told him I was going home on Friday. About the way he whispered "gracious" behind me. I close the book slowly and sigh quietly. It is strange how someone can occupy your thoughts without permission. As if he somehow senses it, as if my thinking has summoned him, Rafael appears and sits next to me without saying a word. I feel his presence before I look at him. My heart reacts before I do. Without even planning it, I take his hand gently and begin drawing a small star on his skin with a black maker. I have always liked drawing stars on his hand. It feels real and silly at the same time, like something childish but meaningful. He stays completely still, calm, watching me with that soft expression while I finish the star carefully, as if it matters. The quiet between us is comfortable, almost fragile. For a moment, it feels like nothing else exists. Then he clears his throat lightly and says he has a date soon, so he has to go. The word "date" hits me harder than I expect, but I keep my face steady. I just nod and wish him good luck, pretending it does not change anything inside me. He stands up and leaves, and the space beside me suddenly feels colder. Almost immediately, Ian slides into the seat Rafael just left, smiling from ear to ear like he has just witnessed something entertaining. "Ahhh, I see you," he says dramatically. "You look happy, by the way, and I know exactly who the source of that is." I roll my eyes, but I cannot stop the small smile on my face. "So you finally talked, huh?" he continues, clearly satisfied with himself. We end up talking for the rest of prep as usual, him analyzing everything like it is a complicated strategy game. He starts preaching again about getting what I want, about not being afraid to take risks, about how if I truly like Rafael, then I should fight for him instead of standing politely in the background. He says I should take him from Mary and make him mine. I laugh nervously and shake my head because how can I do that? How can I just take someone from someone else? It sounds simple when he says it, like moving a chess piece across a board, but feelings are not that simple. I am not that kind of girl. I do not want to win someone like a trophy. And yet, as Ian talks, a small rebellious voice inside me whispers dangerous possibilities. What if I stopped pretending not to care? What if I let myself want without guilt? I push those thoughts away quickly. I tell Ian that things are not that easy, that there are lines you do not cross. He laughs and says that what's meant is meant to be. When the bell for sleeping rings, we walk toward the dorms together. When we reach the boys' dormitory, he enters and I continue toward ours with my heart full of wonders. Back in my room, I put on my pajama top, brush my teeth carefully because they are already too sensitive, apply vaseline on my lips so I do not wake up with tiny cuts, say my prayers, and finally slide into bed feeling like I am jumping into a small private heaven, smiling to myself in the dark.