Just sitting here in the middle of the noise, talking to Anna. I honestly don't even know what we're talking about anymore. The conversation has drifted somewhere between jokes, random memories, and her teasing me about things I probably deserve to be teased about, but somehow it doesn't even matter. All I know is that it's fun. I haven't laughed like this in a while, and judging by the way she keeps leaning back in her chair with that uncontrolled laughter of hers, neither has she. She looks happy, really happy, like she used to look when we spent almost every day together, before things got complicated between us. And it's kind of blowing my mind to realize that I'm the reason for that crazy laughter right now. Every time she laughs those dimples show up on her cheeks like they've been waiting for their moment, and I swear they make it impossible for anyone to look away from her face. Her eyes get smaller when she laughs too, those sleepy-looking eyes that always make it seem like she just woke up from the best nap of her life. I catch myself staring longer than I probably should, noticing things I've noticed a thousand times before but somehow they feel different today. My eyes drift down for a second and I immediately tell myself not to go there. Oh God. Let's not go there. Because if I start thinking about that right now, with her sitting this close to me, smiling and enjoying every second of whatever this moment is, I already know I won't be able to stop my mind from going places it definitely shouldn't go. And somehow it always happens like this with her. I try to keep things normal, try to act like we're just talking the way friends talk, but before I even realize it I find myself saying things that reveal way too much of what's actually going on in my head. It's like she has this strange power over me where my brain just forgets to filter anything. "What if I kissed you right now?" I hear myself saying, and the moment the words leave my mouth I almost regret it. Almost. Thankfully, she reacts the way she always does when I throw something like that at her. She laughs. Not the polite kind of laugh people use to escape awkward situations, but the real one, the one that makes her lean forward and push my shoulder like I just told the most ridiculous joke ever. If she didn't laugh like that, if she actually took me seriously for one second, I don't think I'd be able to stop myself from doing exactly what I just said. "You're crazy," she says between laughs, shaking her head at me like I'm the most impossible person she knows. I shrug like it's nothing even though my chest feels a little tighter than before. "Yeah," I tell her. "For you." She rolls her eyes but she's still smiling, and that smile is dangerously distracting. My gaze wanders again before I can stop it. The top buttons of her shirt are open wider than they probably should be, but she's wearing a vest underneath so it's not like anything inappropriate is actually showing. Still, the sight of it makes my brain work a little slower than usual. I try to look back at her face but my attention keeps slipping. If that vest wasn't there… yeah, this conversation definitely wouldn't end well. Not that I want it to end at all. Sitting here with her like this almost makes it feel like nothing ever changed between us, like we're still the same two people who used to spend hours talking about absolutely nothing. For a second I almost forget that moments like this don't last very long anymore. The bell rings before I can say anything else, loud enough to break the spell of the moment. She glances toward the hallway like she already knows it's time to go, and I know she's probably about to stand up and disappear into the crowd of students rushing to their next class. Tonight I won't see her either. I've got to help prepare for Mary's birthday, which means the rest of the day is going to be full of decorations, music planning, and people asking me to carry things because apparently being the tall guy automatically makes me the official moving service. Still, as Anna gathers her things and that smile slowly fades into the normal calm expression she usually wears around everyone else, one thought keeps repeating itself in my head. If she hadn't laughed… would I have actually kissed her?
I end up at the canteen beside the school gate about thirty minutes later, and the place already looks like chaos. Exams are finally over, it's the weekend, and students are everywhere, moving in and out of the gate like the school suddenly forgot how to keep people inside. The canteen is louder than usual, chairs scraping the floor, people laughing too hard at things that probably aren't even funny, music playing from someone's speaker on the table. Mary's birthday is tomorrow, and thanks to Anna's brilliant idea, we're preparing everything here so it can be a complete surprise. Balloons, ribbons, cake discussions, snacks, drinks—everyone seems to have an opinion about something. I'm supposed to be helping, which technically I am, but my brain keeps drifting somewhere else every few minutes. Someone hands me a bag of decorations and tells me to hang them along the wall near the open window, so I grab the tape and start sticking the ribbons up one by one. It should be simple, but I keep messing up the tape, sticking it in the wrong place, pulling it off, doing it again like my hands forgot how basic tasks work. Every time the door of the canteen opens I look up without even realizing it, half expecting to see Anna walk in laughing about something or rolling her eyes at the ridiculous amount of effort people are putting into this birthday. But she never appears, and I already know why. She's probably in her room packing or choosing what to wear tomorrow when she goes home. The thought of her leaving for a while shouldn't bother me this much, but apparently my brain didn't get that message. "Rafael, are you even listening?" Ivy's voice cuts through the noise behind me, pulling me back to the present. I turn around and see her holding two different packs of candles, clearly waiting for me to help her decide which ones we should use for the cake tomorrow. I stare at them for a second longer than necessary before shrugging. "They're candles, Ivy. They'll both burn." She rolls her eyes at me and tosses one pack onto the table, clearly deciding on her own while muttering something about me being useless today. Around us people keep moving, tying balloons, arguing about music, carrying plates and drinks from the counter. I help where I can, passing tape, holding chairs while someone climbs on them to hang decorations, but my attention keeps slipping away like it doesn't want to stay in this moment. At one point I grab a drink and lean against the wall, letting my eyes wander across the crowded canteen. That's when something finally clicks in my head. I scan the tables again just to be sure, slowly this time. Anna isn't here, which makes sense. She's probably getting ready to leave tomorrow. But Elliot isn't here either. And that… doesn't make sense at all.
I'm still leaning against the wall pretending to be busy with a drink when Ivy walks over and stops right in front of me. She doesn't say anything at first, just looks at me the way people look when they already know something is wrong but are waiting for you to admit it yourself. I try to ignore it by focusing on the cup in my hand, but Ivy has never been the type to let things slide when she notices them. "You've been useless for the last hour," she finally says, folding her arms. "You hung three ribbons and stared at the door about twenty times. Want to tell me what's going on?" I shrug like it's nothing, but the look on her face makes it clear she isn't buying that act today. "Nothing's going on," I say. "I'm just tired." She raises an eyebrow at me like I just told the worst lie in the world. "You only get like this when it's about Anna," she says calmly, like she's stating an obvious fact. I sigh and rub the back of my neck, wishing for a second that Elliot was here so he could interrupt this conversation with one of his stupid jokes. "She's leaving tomorrow," I finally say. "Going home for a while." Ivy's expression softens a little, but she still doesn't look surprised. "And?" she asks. "And nothing," I answer, though even I can hear how weak that sounds. "We were just talking earlier and it felt… normal. Like before." I stop there because that's already more than I usually say about things like this. Ivy watches me quietly for a moment before speaking again. "You know you're the only person who acts confused about this," she says. "Everyone else already knows you two are a mess." I let out a small laugh even though she's probably right. "Yeah, well, we're a mess that somehow keeps pretending we're not." Ivy shakes her head and nudges my shoulder before walking back toward the table where the others are arguing about music again, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I stay there for another minute before realizing something strange. I look around the canteen again, slower this time, scanning the tables and the groups of people talking near the gate. Anna isn't here, which makes sense. But Elliot still isn't here either. That's when my brain starts trying to figure it out. Every girl Elliot usually messes around with is here somewhere. I've already seen two of them arguing near the counter and another one sitting with the group by the window. Elliot wouldn't miss an opportunity like that. And he definitely wouldn't go play football alone somewhere because half the fun for him is showing off in front of people. His computer is here too, sitting inside his backpack under the table like always, so he didn't leave to go hide somewhere with it either. So where the hell is he? I push myself away from the wall and glance outside through the open door of the canteen, letting my eyes wander across the school yard. That's when I finally see him. Elliot is walking out of the direction of the old library, alone. His steps are slower than usual, and his head is slightly down like he's thinking too hard about something. He looks distracted, maybe even a little stressed, which is strange for someone who normally treats life like a permanent comedy show. For a second I remember what he said yesterday about the new librarian and how he was going to "work his charm" on her just to prove he could. I almost laugh to myself wondering if he actually tried it and found out she's gay or something. That would definitely explain the serious face. I think about walking over to him to ask what happened, but for some reason I stop myself. Instead, I turn away from the noise of the canteen and start walking toward the small chapel near the edge of the school grounds. Right now I just need a quiet place to sit for a moment and think about what Ivy said.