Holy fuck, I am so done with this dumb ass convention.
I want it to be this productive big thing because we have been planning it for so long now, but it really isn't. And truly, the more the days go by, the bigger waste of time this feels like.
I mean, you can only have so many conversations and eat so many hot dogs until you burn out, and all you wanna do is go home and cuddle with your fiancé.
And the fact that it was 11 am, no one was out of bed yet, I can tell that Matteo and Leo were sick of it, too.
It had been a couple of days, and we were so close yet so far, and I miss ryder like crazy.
I mean, he had the right to sleep in, but I really want to call him and just hear his voice, even though we have called almost every day this week and he's sent me so many pictures.
I just feel so far from him.
Leo and I were sharing a bed, and Matteo was in the other one because I really didn't trust either of them with how they were moving at this convention.
Fuck.
I sat up slowly in bed and stared at the poorly colored wall in front of me. Why would someone even make a wall that yellow? That looks fucking terrible.
I heard my phone buzz, and I quickly grabbed it, fuck. Daniel, ain't nobody wanna talk to you right now. I put the phone back down and turned to Matteo, who was standing up but looked half awake. "Can we call this shit quits already?" he asked, stretching and yawning.
He had on some pajama pants that hung loosely around his hips and no shirt.
"No, we can't," I sighed. And turned to Leo, who was sleeping like a fucking baby on his stomach. "As soon as Leo gets up, we have to do it all again."
"Fuck," Matteo whined and slowly walked over to the bathroom, itching his arm as he walked.
Fuck was so very right. I stood up and walked over to the window. I sighed.
I wish this were a job that I could just quit, I really do. I mean, I got it passed down to be by my dad because I am the oldest, and I'm glad that I got it instead of my siblings, but I really wish I were normal. I wish I could quit this shit when I get tired and retire just like my dad did, but I can't.
I have one daughter, and I can't dump this on her, even if she says it's okay with it; there is a reason I hid it for so long.
I am not like my father, who groomed me into the role from the very moment I started walking. The man who taught me how to use a gun instead of swimming, instead of riding a bike, all so he could live out the rest of his life happily.
That selfish fucking asshole.
I really wish this wasn't dumped on me. I regret this so much, I regret my entire life, I can't even live. I have never had the chance to live.
Maybe my wife would've stayed with me. Maybe everything in my life would have turned out differently.
I probably would have gone back to school just for fun and gotten a random master's on top of my PHD. That would have been fun. I mean, I wasn't really smart, but I got by with my grades, and I enjoyed school a lot.
Maybe I would have met someone else who wasn't Lova. I felt myself gulp. I don't know if I could have met Ryder, though.
Without the mafia stuff, I don't even know if I would be married. If it didn't exist, we wouldn't be as wealthy, so I guess no one would use me for my money. I also don't think I would have met Leo or anyone. So I guess I don't regret it that much.
I turned around and reached over for my suitcase. I grabbed a suit out of it, took off what I had on, and started to put that on.
I also don't regret killing people, even though I really should. I know I have gone so fucking soft in the past couple of years because why would I want my daughter finding out I'm a killer, just like I found out with my dad, I don't.
I guess the mafia stuff has rotted my brain so much because half of me really enjoys it. I can't explain it. It's almost like those fucking bitches deserve. They deserve a bullet in their head just as much as I do, because, well, we are all terrible. Even if you picked this life or didn't, you still make the choice to kill people, so that makes you inherently bad one way or another.
I wonder…I feel my throat go raw. If I didn't get put in this stupid life, would I still be at home, just like all my siblings? Never leaving, have moms home cooked meals every day. Instead of now, fucking seeing them once every 12 god damn years, like a terrible son.
I don't blame my mom, not all, I love her, and it's a shame that my dad married her and roped her into this terrible life. But I do blame my dad, I blame him so much for dropping this on me, when I really just wanted to be normal, normal like all of my siblings. Hey, normal like everyone else in this god-forsaken world, just be fucking normal.
But no. I can't.
I can't pretend to be normal and go hide. Hide from the legacy I created and then dump it on my oldest child. Hide behind my wife as she calls our son, saying how much she misses him, while most of that is completely my fault. Hide, as my child fucking hates me.
I gulped, and I itched the top of my head.
And I'm supposed to be grateful, grateful for all of this, but I'm not. Why would I ever be grateful for having my fucking life ruined?
I blinked as I stared out the window, and I finished putting on my suit.
Why would I be grateful when I could have been normal?
I wouldn't have to be scared of stupid hospitals; I would have my arm.
I wouldn't have to worry about my life and the family I built, constantly.
I would just be normal. Fucking normal.
And really…that's all I wanted right now. I just want to be normal. Love normally, go on daddy-daughter days, not work so much that I hardly know anything about my own fucking child.
Be normal, and not fucking be incompetent and have Ryder doing all of the chores, the cooking, being there for my daughter when I know I really should, even though I can't.
All because I don't want her to have a hit on her. And if I were normal, I would have to worry about that. No father should worry about his 12-year-old daughter dying at the hands of another mafia boss he accidentally pissed off. No one should ever have to fucking worry about that.
If I were normal, I wouldn't have all of these ugly-ass tattoos, all of these things that make me scary and hard on the eyes.
I rubbed my nose.
I really want to be normal, be the dad, the partner, the friend everyone needs. But I can't. I can't do that, and that makes me so fucking angry.
I can't just live in the present and enjoy the moment.
I can't love Ryder to my fullest potential, even though I really do.
I just. I really wish I could go back in time, go back before this all started.
Back when I was sitting on my bed, my head against my headboard as I stared at the hideous color of my bedroom.
I had just spent 30 minutes trashing my room because I was so angry. So angry at my dad, at myself, at the world.
How could he love my siblings more than me? I don't understand. They are 8, 6, and one not even born yet. I am 18 years old. I have been in your life the longest; you should love me. I don't fucking understand.
Why am I sitting in my trashed fucking bedroom bawling my eyes out over a stupid family trip? Why do I have to stay here and "keep guard?" What does that even fucking mean? Going abroad, going to visit grandma and grandpa in Korea, but I have to fucking stay here.
Stay here as I'm excluded from a place I was first.
I just…I felt myself sigh.
The gun.
I don't know why it crossed my mind.
Why something so ignorant, so stupid would cross my mind? But it did. And for some reason, I stood up, pulled my mattress up to grab it.
I held that cold black metal in my hands as I stared down at it.
I had never really thought about this before. Life was perfect, I was young, I was an only child, and then one by one, every child, every scream, all the love draining from me, into the others. I thought about it more.
I took a deep breath.
I wasn't going to do it, but for some reason I could feel the cold end of the gun on the side of my head, and my hands on the trigger.
For some reason, "dude, how long are you going to stand there?" I turned around quickly, whipping my eyes.
"You okay?" Leo asked, slowly getting out of bed. I nodded, "Yeah, just thinking."
"While crying? Are you sure you're okay?"
I guess someone like Leo makes me this kind of normal, which I had always strived for in life. The friend who truly makes everything better. The friends that I tried to keep at arm's length for so long, but would pry their way back into my life every time. The best friend who saved me that day with his stupid FaceTime call, the person who made me put down the gun, all to hear about his stupid fucking issues. The person who saved my life.
"Dude, dude, what are you…" I quickly felt myself hugging him. I felt him rub my back, "What's up?"
"Shut up and let me hug you," I muttered. "Okay, okay."
"I love you so much, dude, you have no idea," I said.
"Thank you, I love you too," Leo said, and I felt myself pulling back from the hug.
I don't think I ever told him about how he saved my life, and I don't think I ever will, but I do know one thing. He would always be my best friend.
After a very slow morning and more tears than I would like, we were now walking around the convention, and Matteo was eating more hot dogs.
"How much have you spent on hot dogs?" I asked.
"It's your money, so I don't know."
I blinked and looked at him like he was crazy, "bitch what the fuck?"
"Hey, be nice," Leo said.
"Your little fling is trying to max out my credit card with fucking hot dogs!" I yelled, and Leo and Matteo started laughing in my face, "and do you know what is somehow worse than that, Ryder isn't answering my texts," I whined, as the two of them laughed louder.
Today's goal was to try to talk to more mafia bosses, but we were all too antisocial and tired to do that, so we were just watching Matteo house down hot dogs.
We are almost there; this is the home stretch.
"Helloooo," a loud voice called out. Fuck fuck fuck, there's no fucking way. I watched as her smile dropped when she saw Matteo, "I see the guard dogs here today."
"Once I finish my hot dog, I am beating your ass," Matteo said mid-bite.
"You don't scare me," Elena said.
"He should, especially if you keep him from finishing that hot dog," Leo said, and I felt myself start to laugh as she stared at us.
She wanted us to feel some sort of emotion right now, but we were all so out of it that all we could do was laugh.
She turned her attention to Leo as she scanned up and down for things to get Matteo pissed about, and whatever she was going to say, it was going to work.
"How was last night?"
"Excuse me?" Leo asked. He was less likely to get pissed off out of the three of us.
"I mean, come on, your old creepy fling and your best friend, you have had a crush on for years. Sounds like the start to a crappy porn video. I mean, I guess that's why your legs look like that, all fucked up…" Before she could finish her sentence, I watched Matteo shove the rest of the hot dog in his mouth and lunge towards her. That was really cinematic.
"Matteo, matteo," I called out, and leo and I tried to pry him off of her. Well, we had gone this far following the no-violence policy.
I think the comment about the way Leo's legs look sent him over the edge.
After some hard work, I finally got matteo up and off of her before we caused a scene.
She stood up, one of her eyes barely able to open, "calm your dog down, I was just joking," she said to leo.
"He beat your ass with a hot dog in his mouth, I would shut up," Leo said, laughing at her as I held Matteo's arm like he was a bad child. I mean, it wasn't very far off.
She turned her attention to me, and I raised my eyebrow, "You know. I really wish I could come into your house, stab you over and over again, and then shoot you dead. I really wish I could."
Something about the way she said that gave me chills. Maybe it was the tone of voice, or the way she looked at me. I don't know. It was almost like it was a promise, a promise that she would have someone else do.
I smiled at her as I felt myself let go of Matteo, who lunged back at her. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
What she said continued to play in my head like a broken record.
"You are a loser, a fucking loser. I hope you god damn know that. Being this bitches mother fucking guard dog makes you a loser. It takes away all your credibility and makes you a gay fucking loser."
"Just saying what we are all thinking," matteo said, getting off of her, "I took my meds today, so I'm gonna be the bigger person," he said with a smile, and that pissed her off.
"You guys are both cowards!" she yelled.
"Okay," matteo said, shrugging.
"Your love will be the end of you, I swear to god it will. Past and present, it will come back and haunt you, because you are mafia bosses. I don't know why we can never fucking remember that. It will be the end of you. I hope you fucking understand that," she turned her attention to me, "she's gonna come back, and you're gonna die. Stabbed in the fucking heart or a gunshot through your head. She's gonna be back, more mad than ever, and you need to watch out," she said, and a smile came across her face.
Again, her words are creeping into my brain, and for some reason, they are sticking. They are making me beyond scared and so fucking angry.
"Truly up to you if you believe in fate," she said, and just like that, she walked away again.
After saying all of that shit, she had the fucking nerve to just walk away. Walk away as I stand here like a mother fucking fool, like I always have.
"Now THAT I remember Lova saying," Leo said, and he looked back at me, "so what's the game plan gonna be?" He asked.
And I feel like I always have a plan. I guess that's the mafia boss life. When you are constantly on the run and in danger, you always need a plan, but right now. I really didn't have one.
I don't know if what she was saying was just empty threats to get in my head. Or it was all hints that she was trying to kill me.
Well, that I know. I know she is out for my head, I mean, most people are, that's just the life of a mafia boss.
I just know she is hinting at the fact that she's gonna catch me slipping up, catch me when I least expect it, no matter how prepared I think I am.
"I don't really have one," I muttered.
"You don't? That's not like you," leo asked with these worried eyes. "I know, I know, I just…" My voice faded off.
"Oh, whatever, fuck this shit," I said, "we are gonna just take every as it comes, Elena is just trying to get in my head, I know it. And sure it is working 100%, but I'm not going to let it take me down, you know?"
"I guess."
"This feels very motivational," Mateo said with a smile.
"That wasn't my intention, but I'm glad," I said. I looked at my phone still no response from Ryder. Now my worry is switching to him.
No matter how much I have this awful feeling in my stomach about Elena and what her plans are, I want Ryder to be safe, and his not responding to me made me worried half to death. I really don't know, I can't explain it.
"Now what?" Matteo asked me, "Ryder's not responding."
"Do you think that Elena sent her men to our house already?" Leo asked.
"I don't think she's that smart," Matteo said, and I nodded.
"Did you check his location?" Leo asked me.
"Yeah, he is still home."
"Okay, then you have nothing to worry about."
"No, I don't think so. I think I should still worry."
"You have the bodyguards there, you know nobody has been in or out of the house, so he is okay, maybe he's just ignoring you," Leo said.
I pouted. That was somehow worse than the fear of him being kidnapped.
"Well, maybe…"
Leo cut me off, "Maybe nothing. Stop worrying."
I sighed, he was right. I took all safety measures. Ryder is fine, I know it. We just have to get through this convention, and I'll be back home, and we'll all be okay.
At least that's what I keep telling myself.