"Big Brother Kōichi! Boss Kōichi! I really was wrong! I was blinded by the Succubus! I swear I've never had any improper thoughts about men!"
Kazuma Satou was kneeling on the floor without a shred of dignity, his forehead pressed hard against the floor in a dogeza so perfect it looked like the result of years of training.
"Tomorrow's bounty! I'll give you half! No, sixty percent! As long as you don't tell anyone what just happened, I'll even clean the toilets for a whole month!"
Kōichi gritted his teeth while buttoning up his torn-open pajamas, glaring at Kazuma with murderous eyes as he lowered his voice.
"Deal. But I'm remembering this. Also, destroy Aqua's recording crystal. Otherwise, I'm still considering hanging you from Axel's city gate and letting you dry in the wind."
"Hehehe, trying to destroy this Goddess's source of drinking money? Not a chance!"
Aqua was smugly patting her chest when a flurry of footsteps suddenly came from the hallway.
"Kazuma? Kōichi? What are you two doing in there? I heard a scream just now that was inspiring enough for Explosion Magic!"
That was Megumin, her questioning voice overflowing with chuunibyou energy.
"Did a thief break in? Or perhaps... is some form of torture filled with humiliation and torment currently underway? In that case, please, by all means, allow me to..."
Darkness's voice followed, suspiciously flushed and breathless.
"K-Kōichi-san? Are you all right? I heard a really loud crash!"
Yunyun sounded like she was about to cry.
The three people in the room instantly went pale.
If those three problem children saw the scene right now, with Kōichi half-dressed, Kazuma kneeling and begging for mercy, and Aqua grinning like a villain, none of them would ever be able to hold their heads up in Axel again.
"Quick! Act!" Kōichi growled, his brain working faster than any human limit should allow. "Kazuma, play the victim! Aqua, pretend to purify him! Now!"
The instant the door opened, the entire atmosphere of the room changed.
Kōichi stood beside the bed with a solemn expression, his hands rapidly forming seals, though he was really just waving them around at random, while muttering under his breath.
"Evil spirit, begone! So this is the Midnight Lust Devil hiding in the shadows? How dare you possess Kazuma. I'll drag you out myself!"
Kazuma immediately flopped onto the floor, limbs twitching, eyes rolled back, white foam bubbling from his mouth, though it was probably just drool from the fright earlier.
"Ugh... Ah... It burns... So holy... The Devil inside me... is being purified..."
Aqua's acting exploded into full force. She raised both hands high, and sacred light instantly filled the entire room. With a grief-stricken face, she shouted.
"Kazuma! Hang in there! Even though you're usually a hopeless shut-in, this Goddess will never stand by and watch some low-level Devil steal your chastity... no, your soul! Exorcism!"
Megumin, Darkness, and Yunyun froze in the doorway.
What they saw was Kōichi casting spells at empty air with a righteous expression, Aqua scattering sacred energy, and Kazuma flopping wildly on the floor like a dehydrated fish.
"Huh? A Devil?" Megumin narrowed her eyes suspiciously, the tip of her staff glowing faintly. "I don't sense any magic... But if there's a Devil here, does that mean I can use Explosion Magic to blow up this room?"
"No!" the three of them screamed in unison.
"Ah... a Midnight Lust Devil?"
Darkness keenly caught the key phrase. Her breathing grew faster, and she hugged her shoulders, gazing at Kōichi with unfocused eyes.
"Kōichi, is that Devil... still nearby? Could it... possess a frail Crusader too, and then do those rough things to me, like what it did to Kazuma just now?"
Kōichi looked at Darkness, who seemed ready to beg the Devil to possess her on the spot, and the corner of his mouth twitched.
In a certain sense, this woman's intuition is terrifyingly accurate!
"Ahem, it's already been dealt with." Kōichi forced himself to stay calm and wiped away his sweat, casually dragging Kazuma up from the floor. "Aqua purified the Devil into ash. Kazuma was only vulnerable because of too much mental stress, but he's conscious now. Right, Kazuma?"
Kazuma leaned weakly against Kōichi's shoulder, suppressing his nausea as he played along.
"Y-yes... That was really dangerous. Thanks to Kōichi and Aqua, I managed to protect... protect my soul."
Yunyun timidly walked over and tugged on the hem of Kōichi's shirt.
"Kōichi-san, you must be exhausted. I never thought you'd have to deal with such a dangerous Devil at night too. I-I can help! I can use Light to check the corners of the room for you!"
"No need, Yunyun! Everyone, go back to sleep! Staying up late is the enemy of beauty!"
Kōichi practically shoved everyone out of the room.
...
The next morning in Axel was so bright and sunny that it almost made last night's events seem like some absurd drunken nightmare.
At the mansion's dining table, the atmosphere was as strange as solid ice.
Kōichi elegantly sliced into bread spread with jam, his gaze occasionally drifting across the table.
Kazuma sat opposite him with two huge dark circles under his eyes, expressionlessly stuffing dry toast into his mouth. His dead-fish face, as if asking who he was, where he was, and what meaning his life held, perfectly captured the aftershock of social death.
Aqua, on the other hand, was in a wonderful mood. She hummed while gulping down a bottle of red wine she had collected in advance last night, occasionally flashing Kōichi a knowing smile that said they were accomplices.
Megumin was still staring suspiciously at Kazuma, occasionally examining him with a look that asked whether he had secretly performed some evil ritual behind her back.
Darkness kept stealing glances at Kōichi with a blush on her face. In her eyes was a dreadful sense of anticipation that made Kōichi's skin crawl. Clearly, she was still thinking about last night's so-called Lust Devil.
"Ahem. Since everyone's here, let's talk business." Kōichi set down his knife and broke the awkward silence. "Last night's Devil incident has been fully resolved. Our main task today is to go to the Guild and collect the bounty."
"Oh! The bounty! Three hundred million Eris!" Aqua instantly dropped her wine bottle, her eyes turning into gold coins. "With that money, I can buy that limited-edition Goddess statue! And rent out the most expensive tavern!"
"Shut up." Kazuma cut her off weakly, then turned to Kōichi, his eyes filled with fierce, unquestionable determination to pay hush money. "Kōichi, about what we agreed last night... sixty percent. Transfer that twenty million to me directly."
Megumin and Darkness's eyes widened at the same time.
"Sixty percent?! Why does Kōichi get sixty percent of your share? Kazuma, did a Devil eat your brain?!"
Kazuma's mouth twitched, and the look he gave Kōichi was like someone staring at a Devil holding his lifeline.
Through gritted teeth, he muttered.
"This is... in recognition of Kōichi's outstanding contribution to last night's exorcism! After all, he was almost taken by the Devil... Ahem. Anyway, he earned it!"
...
Inside the Adventurers Guild, when Luna-san handed the full three hundred million Eris reward to Kōichi with trembling hands, the entire Guild erupted.
Kōichi accepted the money bag with a calm expression. Under Aqua's wailing for him to hand over the money and Kazuma's glare urging him to split it quickly and keep his mouth shut, he divided it up on the spot.
"Kōichi, this twenty million is yours."
Kazuma handed over the money while bleeding inside.
"The rest is yours to split."
Kōichi hugged the thick bundle of money and felt its satisfying weight, his mood instantly improving.
"Waaah, my Goddess drinking money! Kōichi, you greedy Devil! Give me the money back!"
Aqua lunged forward to snatch it, but Kazuma kicked her away.
"All right, enough messing around." Kōichi clapped his hands and looked at his teammates, each one ridiculous in their own way. The feeling of home in his chest was even stronger than it had been last night. They were all idiots, every last one of them, but in this absurd world, they really were his family.