Chapter 7 Part 1
"Oh, you're all already here? You sure are quick, kids!" Akashi's eye-smile wasn't annoying anymore — it'd become something familiar. Almost endearing.
"AND YOU'RE NOT!!!" Naruko shouted indignantly. "We've been waiting for three hours!!!"
"Mmaa... Well, you see?.. A black cat crossed my..."
"Used that one," I throw out casually, barely glancing up from my scroll.
"Oh?.. A little old granny asked me..."
"Used that one," Haruno shot it down, his twitching eye squinting hard.
"Mm... I got lost on the road..."
"Pfh!!" You'd have to have no ears at all to miss the skepticism in Uchiha's "voice."
"Ah, well then... Thennn?.."
"STOP MAKING THINGS UP!" The whole team barked in unison.
"Mmaa... Ah, heh-heh." Hatake scratched the back of her head carelessly. And then just kept walking, gesturing for us to follow. "Well, let's go!"
"Her guilt didn't last long — maybe two seconds," I thought. I didn't want to look up from my reading, so I navigated by the top of Sasuko's head bobbing ahead of me. "Nah, this technique probably won't work for me. But it's good for general knowledge."
"Here's your assignment," the official said flatly, shoving a mission scroll at Hatake without even looking. "The visiting lady's cat has gone missing. Locate and return it. Photo attached."
"Excellent, we'll take it," Hatake nodded, unrolling the scroll. "Come along, kids. Let's get the gear we need."
A cat?.. Oh...
Looks like my time's up. Maybe I'm even glad. You can't prepare forever — in the end, you always feel like you didn't get everything done.
"A cat? We have to catch a stupid cat?!" Naruko was absolutely furious. How did she even hold it in this long? It's a miracle she didn't explode right there in the official's office. "What the hell?!"
"Quiet, Naruko. This is our mission, after all — we've gotta carry it out with full responsibility!" Haruno, despite his words, looked only slightly more restrained than Uzumaki. He was clearly fed up with these routine low-rank missions too. "Right, Sasuko-chan?"
"Pf," Uchiha contributed, as informatively as ever.
"Besides, Naruko — follow Nagisa-kun's example, he..." Sakurai turned toward his comrade and froze like a stone statue.
"Talismans! Get your talismans here! Talismans for good luck! These ones attract money, these ones aid in love! Protection from the evil eye, misfortune, and malevolent spirits!" Nagisa was shouting, seated in front of the Administration building, a mat spread before him covered in little items. "Incense to honor your departed loved ones! Sacred water!.."
He was peddling! This... THIS!! This impossible, irresponsible, unserious guy was flat-out ignoring team spirit and basic decency — setting up a bazaar right at the entrance! It was just too much. Sakurai's brain couldn't even process it. And he'd just started thinking this guy wasn't such a slacker after all. Oh, Kami-sama, how wrong I was! You'd have to search far and wide for an irresponsible character like this!
"Awesome!! Hey, hey, Koru-chan — you got a thingy that'll make me a super-awesome kunoichi?!" And Naruko was already right there, enthusiastically checking out the curious trinkets on the mat.
"Forgive me, young lady — we don't deal in such wares!" The boy shook his head, feigning disappointment.
"WHAT are you doing, Nagisa-SAN?!" Sakurai practically teleported to Kaoru's side.
"Oh, dear customer! Interested in the merchandise?!" Nagisa addressed the boy like a seasoned merchant. As if by magic, a small fan appeared in his hands; he half-hid a sly grin behind it and leaned in conspiratorially, dropping his voice: "I see you're suffering from unrequited love? A fine-looking lad — yet She-Who-Dwells-In-Your-Heart pays you no mind? Well then, this little amulet, for the low, low price of..."
"Get serious!!" Sakurai couldn't take it anymore.
"Ara-ara, dear customer — are you distressed by something?" Nagisa tilted his head.
"Urahara is a genius at irritating people," Nagisa thought, hiding a smile. He didn't actually want to annoy Haruno — the whole performance was aimed at Hatake — but collateral damage was unavoidable. "Achievement unlocked!"
"Yes! Yes, yes, and once again — yes!" Suppressing his flash of anger, Sakurai glared at the smiling boy. "We're shinobi, not peddlers! Nagisa-san, do you understand?! Shi-no-bi. We carry out missions. We don't run scams selling useless 'magical' junk! Stop embarrassing yourself, Nagisa-san!"
"Wai-wai, Sakurai-kun — no need to be so angry! It's just a little side gig; don't let it bother you. And for the record: everything here is genuine! I've lived at a temple since I was a baby — I know the secret rituals. So I can say with full confidence: my amulets are real! So? Not interested in a little amulet for finding love? As a buddy, I'll give you a discount!"
"Mmmghh! Akashi-sensei — say something to hi—!" Waving his hands, Haruno turned to the instructor for backup — but the moment he turned, she was gone.
"Mmaa..." Hatake's thoughtful voice sounded from behind.
Already guessing what he'd see, Sakurai turned around jerkily.
Just as expected! The elite jonin, Hatake Akashi, was seated in front of the mat, studying the goods on display with her one eye full of interest. Her right hand thoughtfully ruffled her already messy gray hair — a clear sign she was seriously considering something.
Sakurai's eye twitched.
"Oh, you say?.." she asked with interest.
"Hai-hai!" Nagisa practically sang, voice dripping with honey, hiding a sly grin behind his fan. "This special lotion will not only make your hair smooth and silky — it'll also make it incredibly strong, and impart a subtle, elusive fragrance of femininity!"
"Ooh! How intriguing. And this one?" The jonin's fingers touched a small box.
"Ara! Esteemed lady — you've got a sharp eye, haven't you?! Ha-ha-ha!" Leaning in conspiratorially, Nagisa spoke in a loud whisper: "Oh, this is a very fine remedy! A very, very rare and secret formula! Add just a little to a drink and serve it to your man — and you will be astonished by the results! Your beloved will become as fierce as a wild tiger, as tireless as a bear, as insatiable as a starving wolf! He will bring you joy all night long, haaai!"
"Oh? Oooh?!.. Oooooooh!.." The woman said, loaded with meaning, "shyly" covering her mouth with her palm.
"AKASHI-SENSEI!!! You too?!" Sakurai wailed in anguish, having completely lost faith in the world.
"Amm? Mmaa... I don't see the problem, Sakurai-kun?.." Akashi tilted her head, unfazed, swiftly tucking something up her sleeve. "What someone does is their own business. Plenty of clans don't live solely off shinobi work — they've got lots of income sources!"
"The Akimichi run a whole network of restaurants, for instance. And the Nara clan is famous for pharmaceuticals," Nagisa backed up the sensei, deftly folding up his "stall." "Some people sell seals, some make weapons, some cook food. What's so weird about my little side gig?"
"Exactly!" The jonin nodded sagely. "Well then, team — onward to complete the mission! Let's find that runaway cat!"
"We're supposed to be searching for it... and she's totally gonna ditch us again..." Uzumaki grumbled, hiding something in her pocket.
"Kami-sama, I'm surrounded by idiots..." Haruno muttered under his breath, quiet enough that no one would catch it.
"Pf!" Uchiha snorted, thoroughly amused by this whole show.