Damien asked Christabel a question he had never asked before.
Do you want another baby?
And her answer changed everything.
---
The question came on a Sunday.
They were in the garden. The rose was blooming. The seedling was growing. Lena was playing in the grass, picking dandelions, crushing them in her tiny fists.
Damien was watching her.
The way she moved. The way she laughed. The way she looked up at him like he was the only person in the world.
"She's getting so big," he said.
"She's growing too fast."
"I know."
"I want her to stay little forever."
He was quiet for a moment.
Then he asked the question.
"Do you want another one?"
---
Christabel froze.
Her hand stopped mid-air.
"What?"
"A baby. Another baby. A sibling for Lena."
She stared at him.
"You want another baby?"
"I want to know if you want another baby."
"That's not an answer."
"It's the only one I have."
---
She was quiet for a long time.
The sun was warm.
The flowers were bright.
Lena was laughing in the grass.
"I don't know," Christabel said finally.
"You don't know?"
"I don't know if I can do it again."
"Do what?"
"Lose myself. The way I did with Lena. The postpartum depression. The fear. The exhaustion."
"That was different."
"Was it?"
"You were alone. You didn't have to be. You chose to be."
"I didn't choose—"
"You did." His voice was gentle. "You pushed me away. You tried to do everything yourself. You didn't let me help."
She was quiet.
"I was scared."
"I know."
"I'm still scared."
"I know."
---
Lena ran to them.
Holding a fistful of dandelions.
"Mama!" she said. "Dada!"
Her first real word. Not "Bah." Not "Da."
"Mama."
Christabel's eyes filled with tears.
"Did you hear that?"
"I heard it."
"She said Mama."
"She said Mama."
Lena climbed into her mother's lap.
Pressed the dandelions into her hands.
"Mama," she said again.
"Yes, baby. Mama."
---
Damien watched them.
His wife. His daughter.
His whole world.
"I don't want to replace her," he said. "I want to give her a sibling. Someone to grow up with. Someone to fight with. Someone to love."
"She has us."
"She needs more."
"She needs us to be present. To be healthy. To be happy."
"Can we be present with two?"
She looked at him.
"I don't know."
---
That night, Christabel couldn't sleep.
She lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking about his question.
Do you want another baby?
She thought about Lena. About the newborn days. The colic. The sleepless nights. The crying. The feeling of drowning.
She thought about the postpartum depression. The darkness. The fear. The moments she didn't want to be alive.
She thought about Damien. The way he held her. The way he didn't give up. The way he waited for her to come back.
She thought about the garden. The rose. The seedling. New life growing from old pain.
She thought about her father. About the way he had looked at her. About the way he had loved her.
She thought about her mother. About the woman who had never wanted her. About the woman who had tried to destroy her.
She didn't want to be her mother.
She wanted to be her father.
---
Damien was awake beside her.
"What are you thinking?"
"I'm thinking about my father."
"What about him?"
"He wanted more children. My mother didn't."
"What happened?"
"She won. They didn't have more children. And he resented her for the rest of their marriage."
"That's not going to be us."
"How do you know?"
"Because we talk. Because we fight. Because we forgive."
She turned to face him.
"I want another baby."
He was quiet.
"Are you sure?"
"I'm terrified."
"That's not an answer."
"It's the only one I have."
---
He pulled her into his arms.
"I love you."
"I know."
"I love you in ways I didn't know I was capable of."
She touched his face.
"I know. Because I love you the same way."
---
The next morning, Christabel called Dr. Reid.
"I need to talk."
"About what?"
"About having another baby."
Dr. Reid was quiet for a moment.
"That's a big decision."
"I know."
"What does Damien think?"
"He wants one."
"What do you think?"
Christabel was quiet.
"I'm scared."
"Of what?"
"Of losing myself again. Of not being enough. Of failing."
"Those are valid fears."
"How do I get past them?"
"You don't. You carry them with you. You let them be part of your story. You don't let them make the decision for you."
---
That afternoon, Christabel went to the garden.
The rose was still blooming.
The seedling was growing.
She knelt beside them.
"I'm scared," she whispered.
The roses swayed.
"I'm scared of being a mother again. I'm scared of losing myself again. I'm scared of failing."
She touched the petals.
"But I'm more scared of regret."
---
Damien found her there.
Lena was in his arms.
"What are you doing?"
"Talking to the roses."
"What are they telling you?"
She stood.
Walked to him.
Took Lena from his arms.
"I want another baby."
He stared at her.
"Are you sure?"
"I've never been more sure about anything."
"You were terrified last night."
"I still am."
"That's not—"
"It's the only thing I have. The fear. The hope. The love." She looked at him. "It's enough."
---
He pulled her into his arms.
Lena between them.
"I love you."
"I know."
"I love you so much it terrifies me."
"Good." She kissed his forehead. "It should."
First Line of Chapter 157 (Teaser):
"The one hundred eleventh week, Christabel went to the doctor. Not for her. For the baby she hoped to carry. And the news she received changed everything."