Just like a stereotypical ancient Norseman, once the liquor hit his system, Thor completely opened the floodgates.
At the moment, he was rattling on like a spilled sack of beans, recounting in exhaustive detail how he had traveled all the way from New Mexico to New York.
When Joey heard that Thor had stolen a cow and ridden it across the country, even he couldn't help but develop a newfound respect for the god's uniquely bizarre way of thinking.
"Didn't I ever tell you during our chats that there's this thing called a 'car' with four wheels?"
"I'm not some backwater yokel from the edge of the universe. Of course I know what a car is!"
The problem was that Thor couldn't drive.
The farm hadn't even had a decent horse available, so he had settled for the biggest bull he could find.
As for the things Joey used to tell him, very few of them had proven trustworthy.
"I still remember when you told me, with a completely straight face, that the Casket of Ancient Winters tasted sweet and that I absolutely had to try it someday if I got the chance!"
"Don't tell me you actually tried it."
Joey couldn't understand how anyone could hear something like that and genuinely believe it.
"Of course I'm not that stupid!"
Thor immediately denied it.
Then, under the influence of alcohol, he proceeded to confess the entire story.
"I got REALLY drunk one day and got curious... and let me tell you, that really hurt!"
"...The fact that you're still alive is proof Odin is watching over you."
The Casket of Ancient Winters was a relic of the Frost Giants, containing icy magic so powerful that even Odin treated it with caution.
Joey didn't even want to imagine what licking it felt like.
Whatever the sensation was, it had to be far worse than licking a frozen metal pole in winter.
Having dredged up that painful memory, Thor immediately launched into another one of Joey's supposed crimes.
"And you also solemnly warned me to watch out for Loki, saying he'd try to harm me for Father's throne. Such shameless slander! He's my brother! He loves me!"
"The thing I told you about Loki—well, technically the thing I'm going to tell you in the future—is probably true."
So Thor had ignored every piece of good advice while faithfully accepting all the nonsense.
As the God of Thunder continued stuffing himself with everything edible and drinkable he could find in the refrigerator, paying no attention to anything Joey said, Starfire suddenly cupped Joey's face and turned his head toward her.
"Did you hear that?"
"Hear what... oh."
Only after Starfire pointed it out did Joey focus his senses.
At the top of the building, a Quinjet had already landed.
More than a dozen heavily armed personnel were disembarking and moving toward the floors below where their suite was located.
"Why is S.H.I.E.L.D. like a goddam bloodhound? They have to stick their noses into everything."
Before coming to find him, Thor had obviously crossed paths with S.H.I.E.L.D.
Given Thor's inability to keep his mouth shut, he'd probably spilled Joey's identity too.
"That's not the real problem! Just go pick up Mjolnir for me! Once I regain my power, everything will work itself out!"
Thor's current situation on Earth was entirely self-inflicted.
After doing something stupid and angering his father yet again, Odin had sealed away his divine power and exiled him to Midgard.
"No chance. This is entirely your own problem."
Mjolnir had been enchanted by Odin:
"Whosoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor."
Joey had no idea whether he was worthy.
What he did know was that this test had never really been about worthiness—it was a lesson Odin had created specifically for his disappointing heir.
If Thor was going to bear the weight of a crown, he couldn't continue behaving like a Viking berserker whose only interests were fighting and drinking, launching wars whenever his pride was bruised.
Thor had been fully prepared to launch a military campaign against Jotunheim simply because he felt personally insulted.
Putting himself in Odin's shoes, Joey honestly couldn't blame the All-Father.
If his own son had lived for thousands of years and still acted like this, he'd probably kick him out of the house too and tell him to grow up.
As that thought crossed his mind, Joey suddenly remembered something he had read long ago—so long ago it felt like a memory from a previous life.
"The ruler must not wage war out of anger, nor the general battle out of resentment. Act when it serves your interests; stop when it does not."
"Huh?"
Thor was an Asgardian who had lived for millennia and spoke most of Earth's languages.
Unfortunately, he was currently too drunk for his brain cells to process classical chinese philosophy.
"Forget it."
Seeing that Thor remained completely incapable of learning the lesson, Joey realized the entire lecture had been wasted.
At this point, even if Joey told Thor to use his brain for once, Thor would probably ask where the brain was being served.
The next step was obvious enough.
Loki's wounded pride would act up, and in pursuit of the throne, he would probably send the Destroyer Armor to eliminate Thor.
Honestly, the Thor standing here right now could use a couple of slaps from the Destroyer. It might be the only thing capable of fixing a brain that had gone thousands of years without maintenance.
"Do you have any hot water around here?"
The filthy, disheveled Thor scratched at his hair, which had begun to form actual clumps.
At last, he remembered that perhaps he should clean himself up.
"And if you've got a comb, that would be even better."
"...Why don't you just go take a shower at S.H.I.E.L.D.? Afterward, you can enjoy the full package treatment—dissection and scientific research included."
That was what Joey said.
But despite the sarcasm, he still took off his black-rimmed glasses, grabbed Thor by the collar, and jumped out the window.
Regardless of what S.H.I.E.L.D. thought of him, Joey had absolutely no intention of getting involved with them.
The organization was practically a miniature version of those little blue guys from Oa—constantly busy, never listening, and always making things more complicated than they needed to be.
And thanks to Operation Paperclip at the end of World War II, after absorbing large amounts of personnel and resources connected to a certain failed painter, S.H.I.E.L.D. had expanded rapidly.
The problem was that quite a few people who should have been executed on sight had ended up mixed into the organization instead.
A group like that could never truly accomplish the mission it had originally been created for.
"Remember, they aren't necessarily hostile. Be polite."
Coulson directed the tense tactical teams as they surrounded the entire floor, reminding them not to open fire unnecessarily.
Don't ask why meeting a supposedly friendly superhuman required this many guns.
Past experience had written those procedures in blood.
Even so, Coulson decided to personally take the risk and initiate contact.
Anyone capable of tolerating Tony Stark probably wasn't the type to explode at the slightest provocation...
...Right?
"Ahem."
After spending two seconds gathering his courage, Coulson cleared his throat and politely knocked on the door.
"Hello?"
"They're already gone."
Hawkeye's voice came through Coulson's earpiece.
"They can fly. They already slipped out the window."
"Dammit."
Refusing to give up, Coulson used an electronic device to effortlessly bypass the security lock and pushed the door open.
Sure enough, he had arrived too late once again.
"Couldn't you have stopped them?"
Even knowing it was only a joke born of frustration, Hawkeye almost laughed.
"Are you serious?"
The two flight trails he'd just seen had disappeared beyond visual range in under two seconds.
His estimate put them well beyond the speed of sound.
And he—Hawkeye—was just a guy with a bow and arrows.
---
"I am not helping you retrieve your hammer."
Meanwhile, Joey was busy wondering where exactly he should dump Thor and let nature take its course.
Tony Stark's mansion was definitely out of the question.
Tony's place wasn't a garbage dump.
You couldn't just throw every random thing you found there.
As for S.H.I.E.L.D.'s attempts to intercept him, Joey wasn't concerned in the slightest.
It wasn't even clear whether their sensors could detect someone wrapped in a bio-field, let alone stop him.
Put it simply: At this moment, nothing on Earth could fly faster than Joey or Starfire.
Or so Joey thought.
Then a brilliant rainbow-colored aurora suddenly flashed across the sky overhead.
"Look! The Bifrost!"
Thor instantly brightened.
He recognized the phenomenon immediately.
The Bifrost was Asgard's bridge connecting the Nine Realms.
If it had appeared now, then surely his father had finally changed his mind.
"It looks like my father has come to bring me home!"
"WHOOOOOM—!"
A massive silver suit of armor emerged from the radiant beam of the Bifrost.
Molten fire burned within its metallic frame like living magma.
The moment it arrived, blazing magical lava erupted from the armor's faceplate.
Joey instantly reversed direction mid-flight and dodged the opening attack.
Using his freeze breath, he harmlessly extinguished the falling flames before they could strike the ground.
Then, without hesitation, he grabbed Thor and casually hung him from the spire of the Empire State Building.
"It looks like your brother is here to send you to the afterlife."