She smiled acknowledging how different she felt about begging for Stephen's collar now compared to when she had begged for Mel's. She had been excited by the new world Mel offered her and also terrified of it and him. She had lived in a constant state of confused bliss then and while she admitted that she had loved him, it paled in comparison to the relationship she had with Stephen now.
"I can hear you thinking again," Stephen chuckled and smacked her ass lightly. "It will be time to get up soon anyway so talk to me about what is going on in that busy little brain of yours."
Bella turned her head to look at the clock and sighed softly. She leant up on one arm and ran her other hand over his chest. Would it make a difference if she told him that she wanted his collar, the real tangible one, now rather than after the memorial she wondered chewing her lip as she looked at him? He knew how she felt about him now. Their relationship had evolved and deepened rapidly into so much more than she expected. She knew she wasn't just a possession to him or a toy to be played with, why shouldn't she tell him that she was ready to commit to a future with him now rather than in a few days when she could be accused of being emotional and acting on that alone.
"Talk to me," Stephen said propping himself up on several pillows to half sit and pull her into his arms again. "The dream was bad?" he asked. He had been dreading the memorial and its effect on her. He dreaded losing her again to the dark pain that had crippled her for long.
"I was thinking about Mel again," she began quietly. This wasn't the perfect time or place she had planned in her mind but she tried to find the right words to say what she needed to in the best way to help him to understand that she was ready to beg his collar and that it wasn't a reaction to the dream or the memorial preparations. "I'd known him most of my life, he was familiar and I trusted him because of that. He gave me a choice to beg for his collar but he admitted to me while we were in Italy that he wouldn't have accepted it if I had said no. He pushed me to accept it. I'm not sure I realised it at the time but I can look back and see now that I was thrilled and excited by what he had shown the naïve girl I was then but I was also terrified and that's why I ran from him so often." Bella sat up looking directly at Stephen, wanting him to understand how differently she felt now.
"I mean I loved him, I truly did. He told me how much he needed me, wanted me, how special I was," her voice died off. "I think I needed that from him, to know that he loved me and wanted me so much. I'd never felt that sort of obsessive desire before though and as much as I was excited by it, he also terrified me." She said guiltily. "In the end, my excitement and curiosity about the lifestyle, a place where I could fit in and be myself are what made me beg his collar. I wanted to learn it all and experience everything he offered me."
Stephen frowned but said nothing. He had known little of Bella before he had become her watcher down at the beach house during her recovery. The little he did know had come entirely from Mel himself. He listened as she continued to speak enjoying her honesty about what she was feeling about the upcoming memorial.
"He seemed to know what I needed and wanted instinctively and it was very overwhelming. I found myself doing things I would never have done without his pushing me to it. That first week before I took his collar was a type of introduction to this lifestyle. A week, that was it and I had to choose between Mel, the lifestyle my career everything I had at that time or return home to my parents having failed to make it in the city," she said softly. "It was a strange time and I was so confused about everything except that I wanted to know more, do more and understand more and I loved him or thought I did."
"Your reaction after his death tells of how much you loved him," Stephen said becoming angry with Mel, what he did to her was against everything they preached to the new Masters at the club. Still he had known her for most of her life and perhaps there was more to what he did than she realised, it was a difficult time for her he acknowledged.
"Yes, she admitted I did love him. I am not sure I understood then what real love was, though. Love shouldn't make you feel scared or forced to perform. Love even between a dominant and submissive should still be caring and safe and honest and even tender," she looked up at him. "I'm not saying this at all the way I planned in my head." She chewed her lip disappointed that she had made of mess of it.
"Sometimes talking is the best way to work through things. With Mel's memorial only days away it's understandable that all of these feelings are coming to the surface. You loved him deeply it's okay to be confused and uncertain right now," he stroked her hair.
"That's just it. I've never been more certain or clear-headed about anything," she turned to look at him taking in his handsome face. "I love you. I love our life here, and at the Cove. I love that we both have demanding careers and manage to make it work. I love that you listen to me when I waffle on about the silly things that run through my mind. I love that I never knew that love could feel this way until you showed me," she took a breath enjoying his startled expression. "I would love to wear your collar if you would still offer it to me." She finished lamely.