"Okay, that's enough. Let's take a short break."
"Whew, yes sir."
"What's this? Your breathing is fine? Was the training not hard enough? You should look like you're dying here."
"Huh? Oh, ah."
"Haha! I'm joking. Just joking."
I chuckled at Coach Luca's words.
Goodness.
Today too, after finishing team training, I was doing individual training with Coach Luca.
As usual, I practiced dribbling and shooting with him, followed by physical training.
Maybe because it had been a while since I started training, it didn't feel like I was going to die like it used to.
Even though the training sessions kept increasing.
Had my body adapted?
Or maybe it was simply because summer was passing.
"Now it's actually nice sitting here like this."
"That's right. It's getting cooler."
The weather had definitely become cooler.
The midday sun was still hot, but by the time individual training came around, the angle of the sun had noticeably lowered.
Autumn was really coming.
It was summer when I first started. Thinking about how every day of hard training had been piling up over that time made me feel proud.
Time flows. And I'm changing too.
"Oh, right. Come to think of it, you must have gotten your first weekly wage last week?"
"Ah, yes."
"How did it feel?"
"Um... I was grateful. Grateful to you, and to The Manager, my friends, the team..."
"What is there to thank me for?"
"If it weren't for you, I might not have gotten the contract at all."
"Haha. What did I even do? You worked hard and earned it yourself."
I felt my sweat cooling as I had this casual conversation with him.
Actually, more than the weather or the sun's height, what really made me feel the passage of time was moments like these.
When I noticed myself having personal conversations like this with the coach without any awkwardness.
It used to be awkward.
No, rather than awkward, He had no interest in me at all. Not just him, but everyone. I was just invisible.
There were more days when I didn't say a single word from arriving at the training ground until going home.
The kids I trained with barely even knew my name.
But now, that same me chats casually with the Coach, and during team training, I talk a lot too. In the locker room, the kids sometimes joke around with me, and I've learned to laugh and play along with their jokes.
Looking back now...
I think the old me might have been fooling myself. Back then, I thought it was actually comfortable and good to be treated like I was invisible.
But it's much more fun now. Maybe back then, it wasn't that I really found it comfortable and good—maybe I just had no choice but to think that way.
Thinking about it now, all I needed was a little courage. Just a tiny bit of courage to participate earnestly in training, to speak up first and say I'd try. That would have been enough.
Just like now.
What was so scary about mustering up this small courage?
What was so scary that I hid away on my own deserted island? Satisfied with just not starving to death each day, why couldn't I muster the courage to set sail again?
Not realizing that wasn't living—it was dying.
I really was such a fool.
"So, was there anything you wanted to do once you got your wage? When I got my pro contract, I went straight out drinking."
"...Drinking?"
"I signed my contract when I was twenty, you brat."
"Ah... I had a meal with my dad and a friend I've been close with since we were kids. Bought them some gifts too."
"...Quite the contrast with me. Is the friend a girl?"
"Yes. A girl, but just a friend."
"So, a girlfriend."
"...Just a friend."
"You buy gifts with your first paycheck for just a friend?"
"Because she's my only friend."
"That's what you call a girlfriend."
"She's just a friend, I'm telling you."
"Alright, alright. Don't get mad."
"Anyway, she must be a precious friend."
"...Yes."
She's not my girlfriend, but... she is a precious friend.
Whatever the reason, it's true that Ji-woo is why I—hiding away on my deserted island—found the courage to move forward.
I didn't want to reveal that my own kingdom was nothing but a pathetic deserted island, so I had no choice but to muster the courage to get back on my ship.
Because I wanted to introduce a bigger, better island to Ji-woo as my own. So, even though I was scared, I set sail toward the sea again.
And while doing that, I realized something.
That the sea was calmer than I thought. In my memories, it was a terrifying place with raging storms. But when I actually mustered the courage again, it wasn't like that.
It was perfectly navigable.
"Must have felt proud, like you could walk with your shoulders squared. All self-assured. Right?"
"Well... haha."
"And you must have felt like you should work even harder. Didn't you?"
"...That's right. I did. Very much so."
I nodded at his words.
The thought that I should work harder. I had it a lot.
Because I still haven't reached the destination.
There's still a long way to go. Right now, I'm sailing on calm seas by luck, but I don't know when I might encounter huge waves again.
But I can't turn back anymore.
It's not simply because I don't want my lie to be discovered. It's because I myself no longer want to go back to that deserted island.
The only thing I can do to make sure that doesn't happen is row harder. I won't return to that deserted island even if I encounter a storm.
I will definitely reach a big and beautiful island.
"Coach."
"Yeah?"
"I want to do well in this week's match."
"...Yeah?"
"I feel like if I do well, I'll be able to work even harder going forward."
"...Yeah. I see. You'll do great."
This weekend, our team is going on an away game to Turin.
Because that team from Turin is our opponent.
Honestly... I'm still scared.
The thought of not wanting to go came up over and over.
I like Florence and hate Turin. I was swept away by the waves there and drifted all the way to a deserted island. I didn't want to go back there.
But... I want to find my courage.
I felt like if I couldn't overcome my fear here, I wouldn't be able to head toward an even bigger sea in the future.
And I already know.
That if I just close my eyes and muster courage once, nothing after that is really that hard.
So I'm going to find my courage this time too.
That meal and shopping trip with Dad and Ji-woo last Monday was to gain the strength to find that courage. Seeing their eyes looking at me with pride made me feel like I had to find courage I didn't even have.
"Right. Let's have a fun match."
"Yes."
"They're nothing special. You know that, right?"
"That's right."
I nodded and looked at the sun, which had turned orange before I knew it.
"..."
Then suddenly I thought.
Why am I striking such a pretentious pose?
What's with the deserted island and the storm?
Ugh, so cringy.
Ha... I'm glad this was just in my thoughts. If I had written something like a diary, I'd be kicking my blankets later when I read it back. I'm past the age for middle schooler syndrome, so why am I being like this?
They say men get sentimental in autumn.
The autumn sunlight is this terrifying.
ㆍㆍㆍ
"Nobody forgot anything, right?"
"No sir!"
"Good. Let's go."
With a vroom-, the bus started moving.
This bus, carrying twenty kids and a few adults, was headed for Turin.
After slowly leaving the city center, when the vast vineyards started appearing outside the window, the bus picked up considerable speed.
As I watched the scenery passing quickly outside the window for a while, a thought suddenly occurred to me.
Can't we go a little slower?
I wish we'd go slowly.
Is there really a need to hurry?
"..."
Actually, Turin is quite far from Florence.
No, it's considerably far. It takes over 5 hours by car.
Five hours might sound okay, but five hours in a cramped bus is practically like ten hours.
Plus I can't even sleep. If I sleep now, I won't be able to sleep tonight, which will affect tomorrow's match.
So, there's no reason to go slowly.
Even so, I can't help thinking I wish we'd go a bit slower. Why is that? Is it because despite all my talk about finding courage, I'm still scared?
"..."
I remembered when I first arrived in Turin.
The memory from back then is still vivid.
The unfamiliarity I felt the moment I stepped off the plane at the airport.
The people passing by were all foreigners, and there wasn't a single letter I could read.
Even the smell of the air was different, so everything felt completely unfamiliar.
I remember holding Dad's hand tightly from the airport until we got into a taxi.
That was when I was only 13. But I clung to him like I was 5 or something.
For me, unfamiliarity was the same as fear.
It was even worse before my first training session.
I was as nervous as I was before my first day of elementary school.
I couldn't sleep a wink the night before.
But by that point, I'd already come too far to say I was scared.
I remember heading to the training ground while holding back my stomachache.
Honestly, my first impression on the kids there probably wasn't very good.
I understand. They would try to talk to me first, but I couldn't respond with a single word.
There was an interpreter, but he wasn't always by my side.
In the locker room, in the cafeteria... the kids would constantly play pranks on me. Throwing things at me, taking bites of my food.
But when I didn't play along, the pranks gradually turned into bullying.
One day I opened my locker and it was full of trash. It was a complete mess with empty snack wrappers, milk cartons, banana peels, and when I opened that locker, the kids burst out laughing.
By that point, I couldn't take it anymore and reported it to the interpreter.
And I think it was the next day.
The coach scolded the kids, and that was it.
Just a "don't do it again" and it was over.
He didn't give me any solution.
He just told me to try to adapt faster, that part of the problem was my failure to fit in with the team.
I thought maybe if I just played well, everything would be solved... but that didn't work out either.
My already modest skills weren't showing properly, and the kids wouldn't help.
Some would only body-check hard against me during training, some would never pass to me no matter what.
Getting hit by a ball "accidentally" on purpose was a daily occurrence.
Thinking about it now... I really was such a fool.
If I was being bullied like that, I should have fought back, or at least told Dad earlier.
I was scared of both options.
"..."
Actually, calling my past self a fool... I don't think the current me has changed much either.
Because I'm still scared and wishing the bus would go slower.
Can I really step onto the pitch and play well against those kids?
I'm still not sure.
But... it was all the same anyway.
Did I play the match against Napoli thinking I'd do well? I just mustered up courage and played desperately.
This time is the same.
Whether I feel scared or not isn't what matters.
Doing it even though I'm scared.
This much... I think I have changed.
I do have regrets.
Why couldn't I do anything back then, just ignoring everything all by myself?
Why couldn't I think of fighting back?
I want to erase those regrets.
This time.
Vroom-
At the vibration from my pocket, I turned my gaze from the window. I took out my phone to check and it was a message from Ji-woo.
Ji-woo: School's out~
Ji-woo: Are you on your way?? On the bus??
When I replied yes, another message came right away.
Ji-woo: You said you're playing against your old team this time
Ji-woo: The one you left because you didn't fit in
Ji-woo: Go get 'em!!
Ji-woo: Don't cry about missing noona or anything
Ji-woo: Got it???
...Who's going to cry about that?
I was trying to look out the window and be all cool about it. Ji-woo never lets me have a moment of peace.
Come to think of it... it was always like that.
Whenever I fell into deep, dark thoughts, Ji-woo would talk to me, and talking with her would pull me out of those dark places.
The reason I could even breathe at all was probably because Ji-woo kept giving me that fresh air.
I sent a reply.
Me: I'll crush them all
I sent that... then suddenly it felt wrong, so I turned my phone back on.
I was about to delete the message, but the "read" had already popped up.
"..."
I watched the screen fill up with "ㅋ"s, then put my phone in my pocket and quietly looked out the window.
My face was burning.
TL's Note
ㅋ = Most of time, it is a filler for casual conversation among friends. Presense of ㅋ helps awkward social situations (like ice breaking). Or, this is an subtle indicator that you are not-that-upset.
ㅋㅋ = Slight amusement. Equivalent of Phhht.
ㅋㅋㅋ = Haha! Or, when you have to react to someone's nonsense (or a terrible joke) out of politeness…
ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ = Laughing my ass off! Usually, more than five ㅋ guarantees you that it's not sarcasm.
ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ = Damn you funny funny bro u r killin meeeeee
By the way, the number of ㅋ must be odd numbers.
No one knows why… well, it is what it is…