From that day on, all the colors seemed to drain out of my world.
Each day felt dull… empty. I no longer felt the desire to live as I once did.
My friend Shuree stayed by my side without asking questions. She didn't push me, didn't force me to explain—she simply walked beside me in silence. Chimgee had gone to the countryside for a while, but after a few days, she returned.
She was the one who could always bring the three of us back together.
One day, she came with snacks—pine nuts, frozen yogurt, and a bottle of soda.
"After school, let's celebrate a little. The three of us… let's go to Love Gorge," she said with a smile.
I was surprised, but grateful.
As we walked together, sharing the food she had prepared, the conversation slowly turned to what I had done.
Chimgee spoke first.
"Why didn't you tell us before you gave him the letter?"
I stayed silent, listening.
"He's not a good guy," she continued.
"He's reckless… always getting into fights, skipping classes. He's not even a good student."
Shuree nodded.
"Exactly. What did you even like about him?"
I sighed softly.
"I guess… I was blinded by love. How was I supposed to know it would turn out like this?"
Chimgee looked at me seriously.
"Don't you think of us as your friends? Why didn't you talk to us first? I was really surprised when I heard."
She was right.
Why hadn't I told them?
"I just… acted on impulse," I admitted quietly.
"I'm sorry… both of you."
"It's okay," Shuree said gently. "We're on your side."
Chimgee added,
"Next time, if you're going to do something like that… tell us first, okay?"
I nodded.
"Okay… thank you, my friends."
We laughed, ate, and walked together for the rest of the day. For a moment, it felt as if everything was normal again… as if I had forgotten all my pain.
But when I returned home, that feeling faded.
Deep down, I realized something about myself—
I had never learned how to share what was in my heart.
I couldn't even bring myself to step outside. I would stand on the balcony, watching other children play, laugh, and run together… and I felt a quiet envy.
I was afraid.
Afraid that those boys would come again if I went outside.
And sometimes… I would see Gantulga.
Walking hand in hand with Enkhmaa, right in front of our building.
That… was the hardest thing to bear.
I began to distance myself from my classmates. I spoke to no one during lessons. The girl who used to excel in her studies slowly began to fall behind.
Looking back now…
there were moments when I just wanted to run away.
To disappear.
Or even… to die.
After school, I would wander alone in empty places, talking to myself… or sitting somewhere, quietly crying.
My friends tried to cheer me up, but nothing seemed to reach me.
In our town, there were many abandoned buildings. I started going there often. I would draw on the walls, then sit by the large broken windows, staring into the distance.
Somehow… it made me feel calm.
One day, a thought crossed my mind—
What if I just… ended everything?
I found myself standing at the edge of a balcony.
So many thoughts rushed through my head at once.
Would Gantulga regret it if I died?
…No. He barely even knew me.
Maybe… he and Enkhmaa would just be happier without me.
I closed my eyes.
And then, a different thought came—
Who would truly grieve for me?
My parents… of course.
My siblings…
They would cry.
And suddenly, it became clear—
My death wouldn't solve anything.
It would only bring pain… to the people who loved me the most.
"No… I can't do this," I whispered to myself.
Instead of stepping forward—
I stepped back.
Only later did I realize…
that it was the right decision.