It was quite a while later that I finally replied to Aso-san.
"I'm really sorry about today. I'll definitely make it up to you."
But she messaged me back right away.
"Well then, if you tell me about the girl you like tomorrow, I'll forgive you."
It was clear just how kind she was.
Only, when it came to talking about who I like, it wasn't exactly something to get her hopes up about.
I don't even know if I like her.
And yet, we do that.
But I don't really know much about her at all.
Could I even tell someone about a person like that?
What's the point of a relationship you can't even tell others about?
Lately, it's nothing but self-questioning.
It's already dark outside.
"She didn't end up coming after all."
Even though it was already fully night, Yuzu hadn't come.
Did she come here before I got home and then leave?
Or did she lose interest because I asked her to come?
Lying in the pitch-black room, lost in thought, I felt like I was being crushed.
Unable to take it anymore, I got up and went outside.
And then—
"Ah."
As I stepped out the door, Yuzu was standing there.
"Wh-what, you were here?"
"I just got here. So, are you going somewhere?"
"N-no… not really."
I hadn't expected to see her today, so the sight of her familiar, composed face made my heart pound uncontrollably.
I quickly looked away, and she said, "With Aso-senpai again?" in a fed-up tone.
I hurriedly denied it.
"N-no. I mean, you're late."
"Well, I didn't want to be kept waiting again."
"Even so
"Now you know how it feels to wait. Got it?"
"Huh?"
"Anyway, if you're not going anywhere, hurry back inside. There are a lot of bugs outside."
Avoiding me, Yuzu went into the room first.
Then, without a word, she sat on the bed, still looking grumpy.
"… Hey, are you still mad?"
"I don't remember being mad at you."
"So being kept waiting… really is lonely."
The truth slipped out.
Yuzu's eyes went wide as she looked at me.
"That means…"
"I kept you waiting the other day, right? I'm sorry. From now on, if I have plans, I'll tell you properly."
"… What's that supposed to mean?"
"No, I just—"
"Whatever. I'm going to take a shower."
Still seeming irritated, Yuzu quickly disappeared into the bathroom.
♡
"Hah… I got my hopes up a little."
I'm sorry for keeping you waiting.
How many times had I imagined him saying that and accepting me?
But even though it was a letdown,
I'm also a little relieved.
Because I'm not sure I could honestly accept his feelings if he showed them to me.
I grew up watching my parents fight constantly. I always thought love was a sham, and threw myself into softball through middle school.
When a boy rumored to be popular in class confessed to me and I turned him down, my own teammates shut me out.
I kept believing love was crap. And then, suddenly, he appeared in front of me.
A senior rumored to be one of the worst delinquents in school had been harassing me ever since I entered. That day, he was pestering me again.
I was thinking that if he wouldn't listen, I'd smash his head with the vase nearby.
But then he swept in, pulled the senior's arm off me, twisted him down. I was overwhelmed.
Back then, I just thought he was an amazing person.
But he didn't ask for anything in return, just showed quiet concern and left. That back of his moved my heart.
So I went to his place.
I followed him.
I didn't know if it was love or anything like that.
But I didn't want him to belong to someone else.
And I didn't want to belong to someone else either.
With those feelings, I wanted him to hold me.
And even now…
… But I'm still scared.
I'm scared of breaking what we have now.
I'm scared of wanting more than a convenient relationship and being rejected.
I'm scared that if we become like lovers, I won't be able to face it properly.
Other people, and myself.
In the end, it's because I don't trust anyone.
"… What am I even doing?"
Staring at the shower water streaming down,
I ran my hand over my slightly sweaty skin.