That night things played out, it took Tao Hua until nearly dawn to finally pass out, and every so often, he'd wake up finding himself flooded with the same repeating questions.
Over and over, he pondered between two separate theories.
The first was: Impossible. I need to stop overthinking things.
That one was like driving a stake into his heart.
As for the second, it was as if he were writing his own mythical tale. He thought, But maybe…there may be a chance.
This continued until he was, once again, awoken by Shan Si, but rather than the typical dragging him out of bed by the ankles, Shan Si wavered. He took a step back and gave Tao Hua permission to skip today's responsibilities if that's what he wanted.
Tao Hua could only blink, feeling at a loss. No mention of anything that happened, or even a regard for it, only the permission to sleep in said gently.
The next few days ticked by with Shan Si's newly found attitude somehow becoming the norm. As it continued, Tao Hua's anxiety grew more and more with each action.
Everything Shan Si did had him on his toes. If he spoke, the hairs on his neck and arms would rise, and if he touched him, Tao Hua's body would run hot and his breath would thin.
And yet, no discussion; everything for Shan Si was business as usual. This made Tao Hua wonder if perhaps he'd over-thought things, or maybe dreamt it much like all other times. Hell! It could have been a side-effect of the elixir; who was Tao Hua to know better?!
But those every ideas came crashing down the moment Tao Hua stepped foot into the bathing room. He lowered the clothes off his shoulders, finding the proof of what they did all over him.
Marks, from his jaw, neck, to his shoulders and collarbones. Even a slight swelling of his lips, and a few tears.
While Shan Si was left scot-free of scrutiny, Tao Hua was the one plastered in testimony, as if Shan Si's little canvas, painted to his pleasure. He was forced to wear a scarf wherever he went, so as not to pose more suspicion than already gained.
The gossip was already sky high, there was no need to fuel it more and lead his hopes to places untold.
Ahead of that mirror, watching as the marks doubled and tripled, with the room spinning, Tao Hua immediately darted for the bath and dunked his head into the water. He remained underward, starving himself for air, until every last dirtied thought escaped his mind and his body finally calmed down.
But even stepping into that water and sinking into it, Tao Hua couldn't seem to control his urges more than he could his thoughts. Truly shameful was what he thought of himself when looking at the aftermath.
None of it felt good in comparison, and this was Tao Hua's torment for the next few days.
The wind was finally settling down from the late-night storm, offering a light mist that glittered atop the black strands of fluttering hair, ever-so-slightly clumping them together. Through the outer court and toward the gate of Chuhen Palace, two men made their trek, leaving behind the crunch of deeply set footprints.
They were cast in the tall shadow of a sun that hadn't yet made its way over the walls, dousing them in the colours of twilight.
The snow hadn't yet bene shovelled, but that didn't prove Shan Si any trouble. His patronage, however? He struggled. Tao Hua was significantly slowed down by the snow, trying to retrace Shan Si's own footsteps while fightings against his fatigue.
Stopping, Shan Si turned back to find Tao Hua flapping his arms in circles, all in an attempt to keep himself steady in that one footprint. A sympathetic smile curved his lips, and strolling back to Tao Hua, he placed one hand on his shoulder and the other against the hilt of his sword, thumb pressed against the red knot.
"I'll offer it again, Tao Hua," Shan SI began, nudging his foot toward Tao Hua's, and cratering the snow around Tao Hua. "If you need me to carry you, then I will. It's fine."
But Tao Hua just shook his head, staring down at the cleanly cleared area surrounding his feet. He lied, "I can do this. It's okay."
All Shan Si could do was slump his shoulders, wearily smiling. He removed his hand from Tao Hua's shoulder and ruffled his hair. "And you're very capable, but I'd rather you have energy to enjoy the festivities. If it gets tiring, tell me."
Tao Hua didn't say anything, only protruding his lower lip. Shan Si took that as an answer, glancing up at the lightening skies before turning around and restarting their journey.
Since the medicine debacle, Shan Si had been softer with Tao Hua to the point of actual mindfulness. It was uncharacteristic, really; Tao Hua didn't know what to make of it.
Shan Si was gentle in his movements, and rather than his typical boundary-breaking habits, he often hesitated. At night, he wouldn't fall asleep until Tao Hua had, and in the morning, he was more adamant on Tao Hua eating, making sure that every bit of his food was first tested.
And then there was Tao Hua's whereabouts. Shan Si brought him to his morning chores, and would arrive to take him from them, usually waiting. Anytime Tao Hua would look at him, picking at his nails, when their eyes met, that's when Shan Si would smile at him.
He'd do this often. When the two were working on their own, sharing a space, if Tao Hua glanced up, he'd find Shan Si staring at him, but Shan Si never seemed worried when caught.
He'd just smile.
It confused Tao Hua so much, and he couldn't tell if this change meant Shan Si had feelings for him, or if he was worried Tao Hua would tell someone. Even crazier to think that at least when Shan Si pushed against his boundaries—forcefully hugging him during dinner, falling asleep with Tao Hua tightly wound in his arms—Tao Hua had a slight inkling.
But now? He couldn't figure out a thing.
Glancing up at the back of Shan Si, who wasn't too far ahead, and then to the footprints that had grown shorter and shorter in distance, Tao Hua felt conflicted. He didn't have the confidence to confess, but when it came to small things like tugging on one's sleeve, Tao Hua could manage that.
Shan Si stopped, feeling a smaller hand grab his. Peacefully exhaling, he grabbed it without a word, and the two headed toward the gate, hand in hand.
Chapter end.