Once Tao Hua finally got over his rattled episode of "hot and bothered," Shan Si swooped him back onto his feet, one hand in the other. The act was sprightly—think two kids messing around—and made Tao Hua look bone straight, like a zombie risen from the grave.
It never once occurred to Tao Hua that these acts were done in the way a man accompanied a woman into a ballroom.
Soon after, the unlikely duo made their way to the outskirts of the bath, sitting comfortably at the edge. Tao Hua sat cross-legged, his hands shoved between his thighs, while Shan Si was anything but concealed. He straightly flopped an arm over one of his knees, his other left flipping his foot in and out of the water, gently splashing it.
Tao Hua had to bend sideways at times to avoid the small droplets sent his way. Nevertheless, it still made him smile.
Most of their time on that edge, however, was spent chatting. Well, Tao Hua explaining. He spoke about his morning, from the moment he and Suo Han left the Palace of Benevolent Purity to when they made it into the Marshal Hall.
He blabbered on and on, taking up most of the silence in that bathhouse, all while Shan Si remained silent. It wasn't necessarily awkward to Tao Hua, just knew. Usually these scenarios ended in whoever he was speaking to tuning him out, but not once did Shan Si remove his eyes from Tao Hua.
In all honesty, he also wasn't sure if Shan Si was fully there. There'd be a long period of him focusing on Tao Hua's eyes, only for them to travel about. Now, it's not like his head moved any; it stayed facing Tao Hua, but even Tao Hua was aware shifting eyes meant venturing thoughts.
o be exact, it was the first time in a while someone actually gave him room to speak, so much so that Tao Hua wasn't sure what to do with that empty space. He frequently stumbled over his explanations, trailing back his words with the movement of his hands, and restarting. When he would apologetically glance over at Shan Si, he was shocked to find Shan Si wasn't bothered, and he was actually listening to Tao Hua.
Still unsure how to react to this sudden grace, Tao Hua simply straightened himself prim, smiled an ungraceful smile, and toyed with each shaking finger. One over the other, again and again, until they looked like a mangled mess of limbs.
His heart pounded heavily against his chest, yet regardless of this, Tao Hua felt an ease he hadn't in three days. An atmosphere that was—though heavily humid and perfumed—soft and sweet.
His eyelids lowered, and in an act of utter weakness, he wondered how long this peace would last. At what point would the dam break apart and reveal something heart-shattering amid the flood?
But each time Tao Hua fell into his old habits, Shan Si would only ask him to continue. Nothing more, just, "Go on."
And so, Tao Hua would abide. This lasted only a while longer until he was finally interrupted at the raise of Shan Si's hand, at the very moment Tao Hua explained his encounter with Weng Jing.
At the sight of Shan Si's vacant expression, Tao Hua shrunk back a bit, and he thought, So this is where the good ends?
Train a dog to jump, and they'll jump; train a dog to hide, and they'll hide; train a dog to flinch…and they'll certainly flinch. They'll react accordingly to any and all times someone raised a hand at the poor pup.
Humans were no different; such were the words of the emperor, "Humans are surprisingly trainable."
"You mention Daoist Master Weng, but not once did you use the term Daoist Master Zhuan to explain yourself," Shan Si began, his head leaning against his raised shoulder, eyes on Tao Hua. "Do you know what that means, or have you asked at all?"
"…"
Guilty. Tao Hua didn't dare look into Shan Si's eyes, or toward him. He knew exactly where this was going, and nothing would prevent it from bordering on the details he tried to withhold.
Ever so quietly, he replied, "No. I didn't."
"Then why did he address you as 'Daoist Master Zhuan' when Suo Han was looking for you?" asked Shan Si. "Suo Han didn't use it, so why Weng Jing?"
"…I don't know."
"Neither you nor Wan Mie cared to ask?"
Technically, Wan Mie tried to address the topic, but that got nowhere, and it was thanks to Tao Hua's hesitancy. In the end, he made the choice to save it for Shan Si, which is exactly where Tao Hua found himself at this current moment.
Yet, he couldn't quite admit that someone else fancied him in such an obsessive way; not around Shan Si. Tao Hua couldn't fully understand his own reasoning.
In all honesty, what Tao Hua wanted to discuss, and where he was trying to messily rush the conversation to, was the woman outside the bathhouse. Seemed that wasn't where Shan Si wanted to take things.
"I'm…sorry, Shan Si."
"This is exactly why I wanted to talk to you firsthand, Tao Hua," Shan Si said solemnly. "I don't think you understand the implications of such a title, and the dangers hidden behind it."
Bouncing his knee a bit, Tao Hua thinned his lips together and swayed his head, just as Shan Si remained still, his eyes locked and serious on Tao Hua.
"If something happened while I was resting, do you think I could do something to help…?" asked Sahn Si.
Hand pressed against the ground, next to Tao Hua, he hesitated just as his index trembled slightly. He inched it toward him, but paused, only to retract it entirely.
It took every fibre of his being to prevent himself from lashing out. Not at Tao Hua, but at the situation.
Cooley, Shan Si added with a dab of disgust. "Not everyone within the walls of my palace should be trusted. You…"
All of this went unnoticed by Tao Hua, as he bent his neck, fully taking responsibility for all the things he couldn't control. He was lonely, and that loneliness desperately led him out to ease it, and Sahn Si wasn't able to subside it.
Which meant he failed Tao Hua. That was the heartbreaking truth that seemed to anger Shan Si—that he wasn't strong enough.
It was that possessive ideology he'd been trying to fight back against, twisting his expression dangerously.
Leaning back into place, hands pressed on the ground behind his back, Shan Si breathed a few light breaths. He'd have to try something else, as it was clear he wouldn't receive the truths he sought from Tao Hua.
So…why not a little history lesson?
In a calm manner, Shan Si asked, "How much of our country's history did your father teach you? The basics?"
Glancing up, Tao Hua turned his head to look at Shan Si. He no longer had his eyes on him, but was staring straight ahead, focused.
"Zhonglai is an old land, with a civilization that dates back thousands of years. Many historians and philosophers would tell you exactly that. They'll say, 'It's steeped rich in history with prosperity written in good fortune.'"
"That was mentioned a few times…but…" Tao Hua looked away, sheepishly smiling against the whisper of an innocent laugh. "I didn't really pay attention. Most tutors ended up quitting and calling me hopeless."
That was enough to bring a small smile to Shan Si's face, quelling whatever anxiety rattled Tao Hua's heart. "Is that so? Seems we're quite similar."
Well, now it was gone entirely and replaced with shock! But Shan Si didn't linger on the subject any longer, and only continued his explanation.
"In our realm, left can't exist without right, and right can't exist without left," he began. "Many can argue against it, sure, but I've never been a reasonable man, and I welcome them to try. If I were to put it simply: left and right are the equivalence of good and bad."
"Shan Si..." Tao Hua shamefully said, catching the pale eyes. He wasn't sure how any of this related to Daoist Master Zhuan or Weng Jing confusing him as her. "I don't think I'm following…could you explain it more?"
He really wanted to ask, but the desire to allow Shan Si to drone on about his own topics and interests seemed to win.
And truth be told? Tao Hua liked hearing him speak about it.
"Right. Zhonglai's 'good' is stagnant. There is no written golden era, nor is there a dark age to follow. No country can withstand good without once encountering the bad."
Tao Hua's eyebrows furrowed. "I'm sorry?"
"What I mean to say is that Imperial Capital is a fabrication built on hidden truths, based on the idea that they've only ever been perfect—which I just never could fucking understand why no one questioned it. They know exactly what kind of history they're sitting on," Shan Si said, slightly aggravated and bringing his hand to the side of his head. "But we can save that for another time, Tao Hua. I'll get straight to the point."
"But—"
"I'd rather you studied it." A pained expression crossed Shan Si's face. "Trust me, Tao Hua...things will piece together when the time is right."
"…" Shoulders slumping, Tao Hua nodded. It was akin to what he said in the forest, just worded differently. Every bit of it indicated something in Shan Si's history that would make Tao Hua somehow hate him or fear him.
But he just couldn't manage to figure out what it was Shan Si insinuated. Tao Hua was caught, hook, line, and sinker. Anything this man wanted, he'd give him it, even if it was the shirt off his own back.
It was such a sad thing to think, but Tao Hua never lived happily ever after to realize this.
So, he lowered his head and obeyed, as was typical of him.
He said, "I…if that's what you want."
"What I want?" Shan Si laughed. "I would prefer it if you didn't look into it at all, honestly."
Chapter end.