"You do whatever you want at the expense of others. You know you're not the only one surviving this town, right?! The difference is, one doesn't give a shit if everyone hates him! But I do! That's what makes you so insufferable at times!"
That silence would nearly cause the poor woman to collapse. In a weakened cry, she whispered, "It's not fair…"
It really wasn't.
"What happens when it's expected of us to have a family? I can't do this on my own." Gui Chang's hands drooped at her side to Tao Hua's reluctance to even speak. "Both me and you know exactly what your father expects. Don't act like you don't know, Tao Hua."
In that moment, it was much easier to slink down into one's own frame and look small. It would always be the easy way out, and Tao Hua wanted to grip that and not let it go. But he couldn't hide away from those hard truths, nor could he fault Gui Chang for stating what needed to be said.
If he did, what kind of person would that make him? The situation was truly unfair.
But it wasn't the words tossed his way that hurt most, nor was it Gui Chang's grief. It was the small understanding hidden beneath the surface of truth.
Firsts.
A common phrase known to many "hopeless romantics." You know, those people who desperately try to escape into the words of another's relationship? Those people. Typically, for the finer details, but we don't need to explore that just yet.
Anyway, semantics. Firsts were often a person's first kiss, their first relationship. Hell, even the finer things in life—that also counted as a first.
Everything listed is what made the word so valuable to a man dyed in ink. And when something is defined as valuable, well, that also made losing it even more heartbreaking.
And to surrender all this ideal unwillingly? That would be quite the inciting incident, turning any romantic story into a tragedy.
And of course, people in this godforsaken country didn't quite understand the value in "firsts". To them, firsts were a bridge, leading them to a land of security, legacy, and even power. If it helped them climb that ladder of success, then firsts were a simple sacrifice, not mentioned twice.
But Tao Hua refused to believe it, even if he was terrified of experiencing those "firsts". He fought against every attempt at tying him down, just so he could live that fairytale in earnest. The only problem was that each attempt was like the next obstacle to an epic, and Tao Hua was the worst protagonist to cross those fiery plains.
Thus, he'd never experience those firsts in the authentic meaning of the word "meaningful" itself. He'd never meet a beautiful woman in some woods, somewhere—ah, he didn't know; he just hoped. Unrealistic, but honourable.
Basically, this poor soul wanted to experience something worth writing about, and by tomorrow, that story would be thrown straight into those fiery plains.
When Tao Hua glanced up at Gui Chang, he didn't see the frame of a woman who hated him, but one who was losing all those things, too. That's why he couldn't quite talk back or fight against it.
It was a dance neither had signed up for, and they were only learning the steps in real time.
Why did it have to turn out this way?
Not even a sigh could ease the stiffness of his entire body.
"I'm sorry, Miss—sorry, Gui Chang. It might be my nerves again. I'll be there tomorrow." Tao Hua paused before adding, "I promise."
Gui Chang didn't respond; she only tightened her grip around her arms, which made Tao Hua's gut churn worse than it had all day.
"You…you do so much and get nothing in return." He apologetically smiled at her as his finger rubbed against the leather cover. "Maybe I just need sleep."
At that comment, Gui Chang's face softened, and all the stress she'd been accumulating released in one heavy exhale. But this exhale didn't smell like relief—it was melancholic.
Once she was able to choke back any more emotions from spilling out, she straightened herself up, presenting as a strong woman. Not one that nearly fell to the floor crying.
Clearing her throat, she shook her head and firmly said, "You know I just want what's good for you, right, Tao Hua?"
He didn't know how to respond, and that already weakened smile faltered. There wasn't a single trace of manipulation in her voice, and Tao Hua was aware this woman was anything but insincere.
"Right…?"
"…of course, Gui Chang."
The two stood in the main hall, both a great distance from each other. Neither knew if it was appropriate to hug or not. So, Tao Hua chose to shift a bit, which made the silence even more awkward. One move of the foot, and the sound echoed louder than any word spoken between the two.
It was uncomfortable, therefore Tao Hua chose to break it. He asked, "Did it go well?"
"You'll find out tomorrow," she replied, and before she turned away, she said, "I'll make sure to come find you. Sleep well."
With her final words, she left Tao Hua alone in that hall. The only trace of her left was in the vibrations of the door slamming, and the rocking of the vase nearby.
He tapped his shoe a few times and swayed ever-so-slightly.
Even with her gone, he didn't know what to do. Instead, he glanced down at the books and did what he did best.
Dissociate!
The only problem, however, was that when he glanced down at those gifts tucked in his hands, he wasn't overcome with the same uncontrollable happiness as before. It was the opposite, actually, with no definitive answer.
This too was best ignored and shoved away for another breakdown. Hugging tightly to the books in his hands, he turned out of the outer hall and into the evening air.
To all things bad, he still had the one good thing left.
Until next time.
Chapter end.