I wanted nothing more than to just stay by your side. Truthfully I struggle making new long term close friends and I never got the people I needed in my life until recently. I know that you're the type to not handle conflicts well and would prefer to withdraw yourself. Meanwhile a conflict being on a standstill and a lack of reply would cause me anxiety. I wanted to keep our friendship as peaceful as possible so I repressed my resentment and emotions. I also didn't really have other friends who could meet my friendship needs aside from you. (Both online and irl literally, not many networking chances I have had unfortunately). I didn't have anyone else who cared for me and could meet my emotional needs like you did. I know I shouldn't have to only rely on you but nobody else wanted me as a friend and I didn't know what else to do. I didn't want to push you away because if you are the only person I have in my life as the healthiest friend…..what else was I supposed to do in my own life? I know you think differently than I do. The way I see it, if I don't get something I want/need, I don't have a choice but to accept it as that is the best solution I personally believe in. However when you see it from what I know, you tend to get upset. (Correct me if I'm wrong, as this is my current perspective of you from the information I know of you right now). Frankly, I don't understand why you apologize if it is something I don't want. Meanwhile I see it as "ah, so this is how it is, I'm forced to accept it then".
I'm not fond of you thinking of yourself as a loser as I see in your discord bio. I mean I can't really control you but I would like to help your self esteem better. I mean I really do think you're special in your way and you have your own talents even if the world or if you yourself don't see it. It is truly admirable of you to somehow read my intentions and to make our discussion a peaceful one between us. I will always love you even if we don't interact with each other. I don't think I can just un-love you 😅 it will always stay with me, I can however move on with my life and continue to love you while doing so and whatnot. I think you complement me pretty well with you taking the time and me feeling pressured and like I need to solve problems immediately. I realize now after thinking about it that you were right.
Hm I truly wish I was given a romantic chance with you 🤔, I never really wished for such a thing before except for you as of being almost 21 years old right now. I would have loved to really give you that capricorn light purple rose that you said you were interested in. I mean it's always been a dream of mine to give roses to the one I romantically love lol. You seemed like the right person who would truly appreciate such a thing. I also am not throwing away that shibou plushie I brought for you, if I can't give it to you, I'm selling it to someone, I don't like wasting my money. I would of loved to just a book a restaurant both of us would like and simply have a romantic date 😅. Unless I somehow move on or something, my heart will always be romantically yours even if you don't want it or if you can't return my feelings. I am always willing to serve you until I somehow move on.
I have been trying extremely hard to improve myself and to take care of myself better this past year. I am learning my own standards and I am willing to give you everything I have simply because I want to. If anyone else would frustrate me, I would tell them to piss off. If you frustrated me however, I would serve you and try my best to let you know in a healthy/as least blunt as possible that I feel frustrated. I am willing to make sure our relationship ending is a peaceful one and that you see me in a positive light. You somehow loved me at my worst so I truly think you deserve my best and I am more than happy to give you everything I can. It is not your fault that I put your needs over mine, unfortunately this is an issue I've always had in my life. I never learned until recently on valuing myself properly. Hence it also explains why I feel the need to "gain your permission" first when setting my boundaries if I need my own space.
I also think we are incompatible as close friends due to the fact that whenever we have conflict, you tend to emotionally withdraw and distance yourself. Which causes me to have anxiety that I struggle to deal with especially considering when I struggle with emotionally regulating myself. I do not appreciate our communication styles being different and difficult for me to try to meet at your level when all I want to do is simply express myself. I feel as if I am getting punished for expressing myself whenever you withdraw by possibly misunderstanding me as an attack when I sometimes may have never meant it as an attack. Unfortunately this would also explain why the resentment has built up this long and I struggled to feel comfortable to be honest with you. I have learned with having a new best friend that I actually prefer immediately dealing with the conflict as it reduces future conflicts in the future and makes me not have to struggle with anxiety. I am aware this is neither your fault nor mine and it really is just a personality incompatibility thing. I say this as an intention in hopes it would explain my thoughts and what I currently think of our friendship/relationship not working out and why I have built resentment up for so long.
I wanted proper appreciation and a return for the affection I give to you. I always felt afraid of wanting to give you something because of the fear of me getting disappointed and it adds to the resentment meter rising up. It seemed that whenever I did try to express affection to you, you seemed to not realize it was affection or just simply did not return it back. Perhaps this was my own fault for not realizing that my own standards should have been higher. I simply wished you had been as affectionate as you were in the first 9ish months that we had been friends in. It seemed like your affection for me just suddenly disappeared after those 9 months. I felt disappointed and afraid to properly be myself. I am someone who loves to express my affection for others and I do not appreciate feeling like I could never express myself in a vulnerable and honest way around you. I also do not appreciate my affections being constantly (at least in my perspective) rejected by you too.