Sleep didn't come.
I tossed and turned until I thought my bed would come alive and just beg to go to bed or get up.
The house was quiet but my mind was a war zone.
My parents didn't yell or even lecture me, if anything, they made it worse, the guilt I was feeling.
They were more worried about how I felt than the shame I had just dropped on their heads like a storm. My mother hugged me. My father had simply nodded and told me we would "figure things out."
Their kindness sat heavily on my chest.
Eventually, I gave up trying to sleep.
I slipped out of bed and walked to the full-length mirror across the room.
The girl staring back at me looked like someone I barely recognized.
I lifted the hem of my nightshirt slowly until my stomach was exposed.
Flat.
Normal.
Unchanged.
My fingers hovered there for a moment before I finally touched it.
I couldn't feel anything yet.
Logically, I knew there was a baby there—a tiny cluster of cells already rewriting the course of my life—but my body hadn't caught up to that reality.
It felt surreal.
My hand rested there anyway, gently, almost protectively.
"Hi, little bean," I whispered.
The room felt too quiet for words, but I kept talking anyway.
"I'm sorry I dragged you into all this."
My voice cracked slightly.
"I don't know what I'm doing," I admitted to the reflection in the mirror. "I don't know what the future looks like for us."
Images flashed through my mind—Mason's face, Rixa's smile, Josh's steady eyes.
Everything had changed so fast.
"But I promise you something," I continued quietly.
My hand pressed a little firmer against my stomach.
"No matter what happens… I'll protect you."
A tear slipped down my cheek.
"Because I'm your mom."
Mom?
I was going to be a mom and a journalist someday.
Having a baby would set me back a year. I didn't even know if this would affect my college scholarship, but it didn't matter now that I had Josh.
*****
Why did I ever think this was going to go on smoothly?
I stood at the far edge of the living room. My parents and Josh's parents were seated in the living room with Josh, of course.
It was awkward to say the least.
The kind of awkward that sat heavy in the air, like everyone was waiting for someone else to say the wrong thing first.
My mom just stared at Josh like she was trying to read his soul. My dad looked completely lost, like someone had dropped him in the middle of a conversation he didn't understand.
And the Brights… well they looked confident. Calm. Like this was a meeting they had already prepared for.
I was almost through eating all ten bites of my fingertips.
"Welcome, I am sorry we couldn't make anything special, this meeting was thrown at us just last night," my father said, his voice trying to sound polite while my mom's eyes kept drifting back to me.
"It's perfect. And besides, we should be the ones apologizing regarding the situation at hand," Josh's mother said smoothly, and somehow the tension in the room loosened a little.
It's not every day parents meet to talk about their eighteen and twenty-year-olds having a baby.
Well, technically I was the only one having a baby.
Josh was just tagging along.
The whole situation still felt unreal. Every time I tried to think about it too deeply, my mind simply… derailed.
"Josh." His father called.
Josh stood up immediately and walked toward me.
I guess we were going to my room.
I took the stairs slowly while my mom's panicked eyes followed us the entire way.
"Relax they have done the worst already," Josh's mother laughed lightly behind us, taking a sip of the water set in front of her.
If only they knew.
"Do you think we should eavesdrop?" I asked Josh quietly as we got closer to my room.
"No, it's boring to hear parents talk."
He opened my door and led me in.
His eyes moved around the room, taking everything in. My bed, my vanity, the small wardrobe by the wall.
I knew it was small compared to his. I had been to his room before and it was almost the size of my entire house.
"How are you?" he asked.
I let out a breath.
"How do you think?" I sighed. "I still think this is a big mistake, Josh. You shouldn't be doing this."
"Why?"
He sat on my vanity chair that looked far too small for his frame.
"I don't see how this benefits you in any way Josh. You're going to med school and you have your whole life planned out and now you want to father a child that you definitely know is not yours with someone who doesn't have feelings for you."
The words rushed out of me in one breath.
He didn't look fazed.
Not even a little.
"You are the reward, baby girl."
"Ugh stop calling me that."
"Why?" he smiled.
That smile again. Calm. Unbothered.
"Stop smiling. This is important Josh."
"Okay. You don't want to be married?"
"I mean I do… but other than hiding how my baby came, my reasons for pushing through are selfish."
"Tell me."
"I get to secure my future and my baby. I don't have to worry about money."
"So it's because of the money."
I nodded slowly.
At least I could be honest about that.
"It's a good thing I have the money, Lani."
"Are you serious? You're not mad?"
"No. Mad at you for wanting financial stability? Over love? Over me? Never."
His answer came so easily that it unsettled me.
"We will only be husband and wife on paper only," I said.
That got his attention.
The smile faded just a little.
"What do you mean?"
"What I mean Josh is we will only be husband and wife on paper. I am not obligated to be anything for you, if you truly are trying to help me."
For the first time since this started, he was quiet.
Really quiet.
Then he said slowly,
"You don't want me touching you."
"No."
He leaned back in the chair and studied me for a long moment, like he was trying to understand something deeper than my words.
"Okay," he said simply.
"I don't care what you do outside. I just wouldn't want it in the media," I added.
"Okay."
He stood up.
And then he started walking toward me.
Slowly.
"An open marriage," I whispered as he got closer until my back met the wall.
"Okay."
His fingers wrapped around my neck softly, not tight, just enough that I could feel the warmth of his hand.
"Can I kiss you one last time before we implement this new set of rules?"
I didn't answer.
But I didn't push him away either.
He pulled me closer and kissed me.
Nothing like the two bland kisses we shared before.
This one was intentional and surprisingly familiar.
His fingers pressed softly around my neck while his other hand settled on my waist. The kiss deepened slowly, carefully, like he was taking his time memorizing something.
He kissed me until I started kissing him back.
Until he lifted me and placed me on my vanity table.
Until his fingers brushed my skin and pressed against my thigh.
Until a quiet sound escaped me and my breathing turned uneven.
And then—
He stepped away.
Like he had reached some invisible line and refused to cross it.
I stared at him, breathless.
What was he trying to prove.