If life were a fair and balanced simulation, a guy like me—Inuzuka Kyotaru—would eventually receive a 'pity patch.' A small software update from the universe that says: "Hey, we've hit you with enough lightning and salty omelets for one fiscal year. Here's a quiet Tuesday." But no. Monday morning arrived at Hanagawa High with the subtlety of a supernova.
I was currently on my hands and knees in the dirt near the school gates. Why? Because a 10-yen coin had slipped from my fingers, bounced off a passing cat's head, and rolled into a crack in the pavement that seemed to lead directly to the Earth's mantle. As I reached for it, a shadow fell over me. A shadow that smelled like expensive sandalwood, arrogance, and the kind of dental hygiene that costs more than my house.
CLIP-CLOP. CLIP-CLOP.
"Clear the way, citizens of Hanagawa!" a voice boomed. It was a voice that belonged on a stage, or perhaps in the trash. "The Golden Sun has arrived to illuminate this drab sanctuary of learning!"
I looked up. My retinas immediately began to sizzle.
Prince Kaito was performing a military-grade flex. He was mounted on a white stallion so pristine it looked like it had been carved from a single block of marble and then given a spa day. The horse was wearing polarized sunglasses. Kaito himself was draped in a gold-trimmed blazer, and as he moved, two lackeys in suits began to throw handfuls of real gold flakes into the air.
"My eyes!" I shrieked, shielding my face. "The air is 5% metal! I'm going to get heavy metal poisoning just by breathing!"
"Kyotaru-sama, ignore the shiny peacock," Amilia's voice drifted down. She was standing behind me, using my blazer as a literal human shield. "His gold is of an inferior luster. It lacks the 'Traditional Salt-Crust' that signifies true wealth. It is merely... sparkly trash."
"Kyotaru-kun, hold your breath!" Yuko shouted, appearing from the other side with a high-powered leaf blower she had borrowed from the janitor's closet.
WHIIIIIRRRRRRR!
She aimed the blower directly at Kaito. The gold flakes, instead of settling gracefully on the students, were blasted back into Kaito's face in a swirling vortex of expensive glitter.
"Stop littering!" Yuko yelled over the roar of the machine. "This is a school, not a jewelry store! You're creating a slipping hazard! Kyotaru-kun, are you okay? Did a flake touch you? I have a magnet! We'll pull the impurities out of your skin!"
Kaito, now looking like he had been dipped in honey and rolled in a goldsmith's scrap bin, adjusted his hair without a hint of embarrassment. He looked down at me—still on the ground, my hand currently being stepped on by the horse's front hoof.
"Ah, the Sovereign of Sorrow," Kaito said, flashing a smile so bright it literally caused a nearby bird to fly into a wall. "Still crawling in the dirt for scraps? Amilia-sama, Yuko-san, why bother with this... this 'puddle-dweller'? I have brought you a sunrise! I have brought you a kingdom!"
"You brought a horse to a 'no-pets' zone," I groaned, trying to pry my fingers out from under the hoof. "And your horse has better sunglasses than me. That's just insulting."
By second period, the school was in full 'Cultural Festival' prep mode. Our class had decided on a 'Maid & Butler Salt-Cafe'—a title Amilia had forced through by threatening to 'traditionally' boycott the school's electricity bill.
The room was a disaster zone of crepe paper, wooden boards, and glue.
Kaito, who had somehow enrolled in our class overnight through 'The Power of a Large Donation,' was currently showing off. He was carrying five heavy oak tables at once—on one finger. He was simultaneously painting a mural of the French Alps with his left hand while solving a complex calculus equation on the chalkboard with his right.
"Is there no end to my talent?" Kaito sighed, looking perfectly composed. Not a single bead of sweat dared to mar his porcelain skin. "Amilia-sama, notice how I have reinforced the structural integrity of this cafe. It can now withstand a Class-4 hurricane. I did it for you."
Amilia didn't even look up from the corner where she was struggling to tie a knot in a piece of silver ribbon.
"Your efficiency is offensive," she muttered. "Where is the struggle? Where is the 'Traditional Agony' of labor? You move like a machine. It is... boring."
"Agreed," Yuko added, ignoring the 5-star meal Kaito had prepared for the class. She was staring at me.
I was currently tangled in five rolls of crepe paper. I had tried to hang a banner, but a sudden draft—likely my bad luck manifesting as a localized wind—had wrapped the paper around my neck and arms. I was currently hopping around like a neon-pink mummy, my face red as I tried to breathe.
"Help... me..." I muffled through the paper. "The glue... it's industrial strength... I am becoming... the decoration..."
"Oh, Kyotaru-kun!" Yuko gasped, her face flushing with a strange, possessive heat. "Look at him! He's trying so hard he's literally losing his humanity! That's the kind of effort only a true childhood friend can appreciate! Kaito, take your five tables and leave. You don't have the soul of a 'Trash-Hero'!"
"But I saved the mural!" Kaito protested, holding up a masterpiece that looked like it belonged in the Louvre.
"It's too perfect!" Amilia shouted, throwing a stapler at him. "It has no 'Sorrow'! Kyotaru-sama, stay still! I shall 'Traditionally' unravel you, and then we shall use your discarded paper as a holy relic!"
I fell over sideways, the crepe paper crinkling under me. "I'm not a relic! I'm a suffocation victim! Why is being pathetic the only thing that earns me points in this house?!"
Kaito, determined to win them back, decided that the 'Commoner's Cafeteria' was a dens of filth. At noon, he snapped his fingers.
Four waiters on unicycles (don't ask why) entered the classroom, setting up a long table draped in white silk. They served a 12-course French lunch: lobster thermidor, caviar-topped blinis, and truffles that had been hunted by a blind pig in the forests of Italy.
"A feast for the goddesses!" Kaito declared, pulling out a chair for Amilia. "Let us leave this 'Mystery Bun' culture behind!"
The smell was heavenly. My stomach, which had been surviving on air and salt, roared in anticipation.
"I mean... if they aren't going to eat it..." I whispered, reaching for a lobster claw.
WHACK.
Yuko slammed a hand down on the claw. "Don't touch it, Kyotaru-kun! It's 'Winner's Food'! If you eat it, you'll lose your edge! You'll become just as shiny and annoying as him!"
"I want to be shiny!" I cried. "I want to be a winner for fifteen minutes! I want to know what a truffle tastes like instead of knowing the exact chemical composition of a chalkboard!"
"No," Amilia said, standing up and turning her back on the French feast. She reached into her bag and pulled out a small, squished plastic bag. Inside was a 'Mystery Bun' from the school's back-alley vending machine—the one that hasn't been serviced since the Cold War. It was a grey, doughy lump labeled 'Meat (?) & Cream.'
"Behold!" Amilia announced. "The 'Bun of the Abyss'! It is two weeks past its expiration date! It has the texture of a wet sponge and the smell of a forgotten locker! This is the food of destiny!"
"Why?!" Kaito screamed, his perfect face finally cracking. "I have the lobster! I have the unicycle waiters! Why are you choosing the 'Meat (?)' bun?!"
"Because Kyotaru-sama bought it!" Amilia beamed.
Actually, I had bought it because I was broke and it was the only thing the machine didn't eat my coins for.
"Let us share this war crime against digestion, Savior!" Amilia tore the bun in half. A puff of green gas—actual, visible green gas—escaped from the center.
"Kyotaru-kun, give me the other half!" Yuko demanded, shoving her way between us. "If we're going to get food poisoning, we're doing it together! As a childhood-friend suicide pact!"
"I don't want to die in a pact!" I shrieked. "I just wanted lunch! Why is the 'Meat (?)' bun a holy object?! It's literally vibrating! I think there's a civilization starting inside the cream!"
I watched in horror as the two most beautiful girls in school ignored a $500 lunch to nibble on a biohazard. I sat there, my stomach weeping, as Kaito fell to his knees, his emerald eyes filled with a confusion that bordered on a mental breakdown.
"I don't understand..." Kaito whispered. "Am I... too good? Is my perfection... my prison?"
"Yes," I told him, eyeing his lobster. "Give me that claw. I'll help you carry the burden of your success."
By the afternoon, the 'Cafe' sign was ready to be hung. It was a massive, 50-pound slab of oak with "SALT & SORROW" carved into it.
"I shall hang it!" Kaito shouted, leaping onto a ladder without using his hands. "I shall use the 'Golden Pivot' to ensure it never falls!"
He secured the sign with silver-plated screws and a flourish of his cape. He looked like a hero from a high-budget fantasy epic.
Suddenly, the 'Inuzuka Effect' kicked in. A freak vibration—possibly a micro-earthquake or just the universe's hatred of me—caused the ceiling beam to groan. The 'Golden Pivot' didn't fail, but the beam it was attached to did.
The 50-pound oak sign began to plummet directly toward Amilia and Yuko, who were arguing about how to arrange the salt shakers.
"LOOK OUT!" I yelled.
Kaito reacted instantly. He was fast—fast enough to make my bad luck look slow. He dove through the air, performing a 'Golden Sun Kick' mid-flight. His foot connected with the falling sign, deflecting it away from the girls with the precision of a professional athlete.
The sign flew across the room.
"I saved you!" Kaito announced, landing in a perfect superhero pose. "Notice my form! Notice my—"
CRUNCH.
The deflected sign had flown across the room and slammed into me. I was currently standing by the wall, trying to untie my shoelace which had somehow knotted itself around a table leg. The sign pinned me to the wall like a butterfly in a collection box.
"Ugh..." I gasped, the air leaving my lungs. "I... I'm part of... the wall now..."
"KYOTARU-KUN!"
"SAVIOR!"
The girls didn't look at Kaito. They didn't thank him. They didn't even acknowledge that he had just saved their lives. Instead, they lunged at him like a pair of starving wolves.
"YOU TRIED TO ASSASSINATE HIM!" Yuko roared, grabbing Kaito by his gold-trimmed collar. "You used your 'Golden Kick' to target his vital organs! You're jealous because his eyes are a more relatable shade of brown than your creepy emeralds!"
"Execution!" Amilia shrieked, pulling a ceremonial salt-dagger from her sleeve. "You have scuffed the Savior's blazer with your deflected oak! You have ruined the 'Traditional Symmetry' of his ribs! Guards! Take this golden fraud to the salt mines!"
"But I saved you!" Kaito pleaded, his eyes wide. "If I hadn't kicked it, it would have crushed you!"
"We would have survived through the 'Power of Pining'!" Yuko countered. "Kyotaru-kun is hurt! He's pinned to the wall! Look at him! He looks so... so pitiable! It's adorable!"
I hung there, my feet dangling six inches off the floor. "I'm not adorable! I think... I think my spleen is in my throat! Someone get the sign off me!"
Instructor Kirara appeared in the doorway, her whip snapping. She looked at the carnage, then at Kaito, then at me.
"Verdict," she stated, checking her tablet. "Prince Kaito: 100 points for Combat Skill. Negative 10,000 points for 'Being Too Shiny in a Way that Offends the Soul'. Inuzuka Kyotaru: 5,000 points for 'Exquisite Pinned-to-Wall Performance'."
"HOW?!" Kaito screamed. "HOW IS LOSING WINNING?!"
"Welcome to my life, Prince," I wheezed. "It's a world where the floor is always lava, and the only way to get a hug is to break a leg."
To prove his worth one last time, Kaito challenged me to a 'Luck Duel.'
"We shall go to the school garden!" he declared. "The one who finds the most 'Value' shall be the winner! I will show you that Fortune favors the Golden!"
We went to the garden. Within five minutes, the world began to bend over backward to please Kaito.
> He found a four-leaf clover.
> He found a winning $500 lottery ticket in a bush.
> He tripped over a rock and discovered the 'Lost Crown of Hanagawa,' a gold-and-ruby relic that had been missing for three centuries.
"Behold!" Kaito laughed, holding the Crown toward the girls. "I have found the treasures of the earth! I am the King of Fortune!"
I, meanwhile, was walking three feet behind him. My foot hit a patch of moss that wasn't just moss; it was a camouflaged cover for a forgotten, flooded basement vent.
CRACK.
"Whoa—!"
I fell through. I didn't fall gracefully. I fell head-first into a dark, damp hole that led to a sub-basement the school had boarded up during the 1970s. I landed in three feet of stagnant, murky water that smelled like a mixture of rusty pipes and ancient gym socks.
"Kyotaru-kun fell into a hole!" Yuko screamed.
She and Amilia didn't even look at the Crown. They didn't look at the lottery ticket. They shoved Kaito aside—knocking the Crown into a rose bush—and dove into the hole after me.
"Kyotaru-sama! Are you drowning?!" Amilia's voice echoed in the darkness. "Wait for me! I shall 'Traditionally' sink with you!"
SPLASH.
SPLASH.
They both landed in the muck next to me. The water was cold, dark, and probably contained three new species of bacteria. I was sitting there, a rusty bucket on my head and a soggy piece of paper stuck to my chest.
"I found a... a water-damaged 'I Love Tofu' sticker," I whispered, showing it to them. "And I think I have tetanus. My jaw feels... tight."
"Oh, Kyotaru-kun!" Yuko sobbed, hugging my neck. "You're so unlucky! It's so much more interesting than a Crown! You're like a mystery box of tragedy! We never know what's going to happen to you!"
"Indeed!" Amilia cheered, splashing water on her face. "This basement is a 'Traditional Tomb of Dampness'! It is the perfect setting for a romantic confession! Kaito-san, stay up there in the sun with your boring gold! We are staying here in the tetanus-water with our Savior!"
Kaito stood at the edge of the hole, looking down at the three of us. He looked at the Crown in the roses. He looked at the lottery ticket. Then he looked at me—covered in swamp-water, pinned with an 'I Love Tofu' sticker, and being hugged by two goddesses in a flooded basement.
"I see now," Kaito said, his voice trembling. He began to tear off his gold-trimmed blazer. He threw his silk tie into the mud. "Competence is a wall. Fortune is a barrier. To win their hearts... I must become... the Trash."
He looked up at the grey, overcast sky and raised his arms.
"GOD!" Kaito roared. "I CHALLENGE YOU! I AM TOO HANDSOME! I AM TOO LUCKY! I DEMAND TO BE STRUCK DOWN! I DEMAND TO STEP IN A PUDDLE! STRIKE ME WITH LIGHTNING! MAKE ME PITIABLE!"
The clouds swirled. The air crackled.
BOOM-CRACK!
A bolt of lightning shot from the heavens. It didn't hit Kaito. Kaito was standing under a 'Lucky Lightning Rod' he hadn't noticed.
The bolt arched through the air, traveled down a metal pipe, and hit the water in the flooded basement.
BZZZZZZZZZT!
"GAH-AH-AH-AH-AH!" the three of us shrieked as 50,000 volts of electricity surged through the muck. Our hair stood on end, our skeletons became briefly visible through our skin, and we were all launched out of the hole by the force of the explosion.
We landed in the grass, smoking and twitching.
Kaito looked down. A 100-dollar bill, caught in the wind of the lightning strike, drifted down and landed perfectly in his open hand.
"I... I can't even get hit by lightning," Kaito whispered, a single tear of pure, lucky despair rolling down his cheek. "I am... the Ultimate Winner. And therefore... I am the Ultimate Loser."
I lay on the grass, my hair shaped like a sea urchin, steam rising from my collar.
"I didn't even... have an umbrella..." I croaked.
Amilia leaned over, her own hair a silver afro. "Did you see his skeleton, Yuko-san? It was... traditionally sturdy."
"The sturdiest," Yuko agreed, her eyes glazed over with romantic static.