Silius didn't let me spend my one damn day off the way I wanted.
I knew exactly what I wanted, too—the thing my drunk mess had ruined.
And for that, I needed to see Nick again.
"But this can wait until tomorrow!" I snapped, slumped in Clyde's office, staring at the ridiculous stack of documents he'd dumped on me.
"No, it can't," he said flatly, already looking back at his laptop. "And yes—read them. I'm not in a hurry."
I exhaled sharply, fired off a quick message to Nick, and dragged the first file closer.
Silence.
Paper. Names. Numbers. Useless shit.
"…Are there many like her?" I asked suddenly.
"Who?" Silius looked up.
"Kowalski."
"Ah." He leaned back slightly. "So you've finally decided to take an interest in something that actually matters."
I clenched my jaw and said nothing. If I opened my mouth right now, it wouldn't end well.
"We don't have many allies in the administration yet," he went on. "But we're working on it."
"I'm just asking," I said, dropping the papers onto the desk. And, annoyingly enough—I meant it. "What exactly is it that you all have against the administration? I get why the oppressed would hate them. But you?" I shook my head. "No. That part doesn't add up."
"You don't follow the politics of the hidden world at all," Silius said. "Explaining it to you now would be pointless."
"Then what the hell am I doing here?" I snapped, the irritation flaring back up. "You keep telling me I don't understand anything. That I'm useless right now. And still—you drag me into this. Why?"
"I'm waiting."
"For what?"
"For you to start caring," he said calmly. "For you to start asking the right questions."
I let out a short, humorless laugh.
"And what do you think I'm doing right now? And you're dodging again."
"If I dump everything on you at once, you won't understand any of it. Be patient. And for once—listen. There's a time for everything, Alan."
"It's always like this." My voice tightened. "Just admit it—you enjoy screwing with me. I heard what Kristina said about your 'toys.' Well guess what? I'm not one of them. I've got enough shit on my plate already!"
The words tore out of me before I could stop them.
Silence fell.
And suddenly—
I understood why.
These past few days… the mood swings, the constant tension, the way everything kept tipping me over the edge—
Hormones.
Fucking teenage hormones.
I'd gone through this once already.
But in a male body?
This was different.
How the hell had I ever judged teenage boys before, when they were barely holding themselves together?
Right now, I wasn't thinking straight.
I was reacting.
Driven by something raw. Stupid. Physical.
And if I didn't get a handle on it—
nothing good was going to come out of it.
I let out a slow breath.
God, I was an idiot.
Weak, too.
If I couldn't even keep my own head in check—if something as basic as frustration could throw me this far off—
then what the hell was I worth?
Self-respect?
Strength?
Yeah. Right.
A joke.
I could see it now—clear as day—how childish my fantasies had been.
How far off they were from reality.
"…Fine," I said at last, quieter now. "I'll listen."
I paused.
"I want to know if I'm worth anything at all."
A breath.
"No. That's not it."
I shook my head.
"I want to be part of something bigger than this… than my own useless life." My fingers curled slightly. "I want people like me to be able to live freely."
I looked up.
"Yeah. That's what I want."
And only after saying it out loud—
did it finally click.
I wasn't the only one suffocating under this system.
Not even close.
I wasn't even in the top ten of people who had it worst.
God.
I'd been so damn selfish.
What would it change if I got my own freedom?
That was the plan, right?
Just survive. Get out.
And then what?
If I had children—would they end up paying for that?
What about my friends?
My family?
No.
If anything was going to change—
it had to be for everyone.
Otherwise, it meant nothing.
"You've changed," Clyde said, studying me. "What brought that on?"
"I stopped pretending it didn't matter."
—
By the time I left Clyde's office, it was already late.
So I wasn't expecting to see Volkin sitting on a bench near the dorm.
"Hey. Not sleeping?" I asked, managing a faint smile.
"Rough day?" he shot back, just as dry.
"Not exactly how I planned to spend the weekend."
"Same." He hesitated. "We could at least watch a movie. If you want."
"I'd like that, but…"
I trailed off.
I hadn't figured out how to say it.
Didn't want to hurt him.
Didn't want to ruin what we had.
But I already knew—
that's exactly what I was about to do.
I'd made a choice.
Set my priorities.
And no matter how much it hurt—
no matter how loudly everything inside me screamed against it—
I had to stick to it.
"I'm sorry, Nick," I said quietly. "I just… need to be alone right now."
"Did I do something wrong?"
"No." I shook my head. "It's me. You're… you're a great guy. I just—I don't want to hurt you. And I can't return your feelings. Not now. I'm sorry."
I turned before I could hesitate.
Walked away before I could change my mind.
This was the right decision.
Even if every part of me was screaming that it wasn't.
I had bigger things to think about now.
"There you are!"
Andrew nearly crashed into me by the dorm stairs.
"You know, I'm starting to get why Silius gets pissed at you—and now it's pissing me off too! What do you even have a phone for, Alan?"
I blinked, confused, pulled it out—
and saw over twenty missed calls.
Silent mode.
"Sorry… I forgot."
"You can explain later. Move. We've got a call."
"A call?" I repeated, hurrying after Storik as he strode toward the academy.
"Field training. Another possessed spotted nearby. Close enough that we won't have to waste portals."
"We going alone?"
He shot me a look like I'd just said something incredibly stupid.
"Of course not. At least two students for practice, your instructor for dealing with entities, the other student's instructor—and me."
"Why you?"
"I'm stepping in for Paul. No telling if last time might repeat itself."
I slowed for a second.
Paul's twisted face flashed in my mind. The accusations.
"Cut it out," Storik snapped. "You're not to blame. And now's not the time to drift."
"Yes, Instructor Storik," I said.
That earned me a quick, surprised look—but he didn't comment.
We met the others at the main gate and headed straight into the city.
"Glad we're paired up today," I said when I spotted Matthew.
"Yeah," he replied, completely serious. "I'm not losing to you."
"So," Iveson began as we walked, "one possessed. In the city. Not even trying to hide."
"But you said they usually stay hidden until they fulfill the terms of their pact," I said, frowning.
"They do." He glanced at me. "So if this one isn't hiding—what conclusion can you draw, Holivan?"