Chapter 16: The Stammerer
"W-welcome, first-years. You are here for your f-first lesson in Defense Against the Dark Arts, and this will be an introductory class. I should like to say that it is a great honor to be teaching you this subject."
Quirrell took twenty minutes to say that. Twenty minutes of actual class time. I had no desire to call this odd little man anything else; he clearly didn't deserve the title of professor, let alone teacher, and was really nothing more than a hired lecturer who taught atrociously.
"D-Defense Against the Dark Arts is a discipline c-c-covering protection from werewolves, vampires, Dementors, Boggarts, and other dark creatures, as well as from Unforgivable Curses and Dark wizards. You will sit your O.W.L. in this subject in fifth year, so I strongly recommend you take it seriously. This applies especially to those who already know they wish to pursue a career in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement or the Auror Office. That said, there are quite a few professions that require an O.W.L. in Defense, and I would advise you to look up the relevant lists in the library now, rather than leaving it until fifth year, or, worse, seventh."
Almighty Merlin, the sheer agony of listening to this man!
The lesson was turning into some kind of theater of the absurd.
"I s-suspect I can guess what some of you are thinking, so I shall address it in advance. No, my stammer does not interfere with spellcasting. I am perfectly capable of demonstrating spells and correcting you if you make a mistake. The theory, however... yes, I will admit it presents a challenge. But even here, with Professor McGonagall's help, I have found a solution. I will be assigning you homework to cover the theory..."
"Not another essay with a length requirement."
The groan belonged to Ron Weasley. Honestly, I was rather surprised that today he had been ignoring our House entirely, and Harry and me in particular. It was as though we had ceased to exist for him. Not that I was complaining. This was a considerable improvement over the scenes he would otherwise have caused.
"M-Mr Weasley, I did not give you the floor. Kindly remain in your seat with your mouth closed. Or do you perhaps imagine that my stammer will protect you from the consequences of your behavior? For instance, from having your lips transfigured into a seamless stretch of skin, leaving you with no mouth at all?"
Weasley dropped his head and said nothing.
"Splendid. And I do not intend to offer a second warning. Now, let us continue. Before I was interrupted, I was about to say that I will be setting homework covering the theory. However, I personally consider essays with a set length to be an ineffective means of testing knowledge. So essays are not what I will be assigning."
"Really?!"
He gave a casual flick of his wand and murmured an incantation. I watched Quirrell's wand carefully and saw that Weasley had been silenced.
"M-Mr. Weasley, minus five points from Gryffindor, and you have forfeited the right to speak. If at the next lesson you still cannot manage to keep your mouth shut on your own, I shall simply ask you to leave. And do not imagine for a moment that this would excuse you from sitting the year-end examination. On the contrary, I should take a considerably closer interest in your performance. Now then. As I was saying, no essays. Instead, I will be setting you short written tests after each new topic. They will require brief, direct answers, and will show me whether you have studied the material. Some questions will also draw on supplementary reading, so I will be able to see whether you have engaged with the subject beyond the textbook. Yes, Miss..."
"Granger, Professor. But if we aren't being set essays, or if short tests are sufficient, then why do other professors..."
Under Quirrell's steady gaze, Hermione's confidence drained away entirely and she stared at the floor.
"I have no intention of discussing other professors' teaching methods, and I consider that question closed. Let us turn to what you will actually be doing in my lessons. The focus will primarily be practical. The adjoining classroom is considerably larger, and with the help of Professors Flitwick and McGonagall I have been able to equip it with full-height targets against which you may practice spellwork. Those of you who can demonstrate a sufficiently high level of ability will be permitted to practice against one another in light training duels."
The bell rang and Quirrell dismissed us, all except me. He asked me to stay behind and, once the room had emptied, told me to come straight after lunch. He had a free period then, and could conduct both the theory and practical examinations at that time.
Perhaps he is more competent than he appears. And yes, I know perfectly well what is lurking beneath that turban, but I have no way to prove it, and removing someone's turban in a public setting...
No. I am not foolish enough to put the lives of children at risk. Besides, for all that I have learned to see and sense curses, I feel nothing from him. Either this is not a curse, and that is why I cannot perceive it, or the turban has been soaked in something that conceals the presence of its passenger along with whatever effect he is having on Quirrell's body.
Penny led us to History of Magic and, just outside the classroom, asked me to hang back for a moment.
"Yes?"
"Look, this is terribly awkward. I know it's my responsibility as prefect to escort you around Hogwarts, but..."
"Penny, if you need help, just ask. Believe me, I won't be difficult about it. If it's within my power, I'll say so. If I'd rather not do it for free, I'll say that too. And if I simply can't manage it, I'll say that as well."
"Right..."
She gave a nod.
"...so, could you take your class to the Great Hall?"
"You mean after this lesson? Yes."
I said that after catching the slightly jerky nod she gave.
"Will I owe you anything?"
"Perhaps a copy of your notes..."
I allowed myself a faint smile.
"...but seriously, no, you won't owe me anything. You appointed me first-year coordinator yourself, and I didn't resist it, so helping the students is simply part of my responsibilities."
"Perfect... you're saving me a great deal of trouble. Oh, and try not to make too much noise in Binns's lesson. He's a ghost, and yes, he only ever talks about goblin rebellions, but if you get too rowdy he'll snap back to attention, if that's even the right word, and every year group will suffer for it, because he'll start trying to cram all the material you missed into every remaining lesson."
"Understood. Wait a moment..."
I stopped her just as she was about to leave and quickly ran through the landmarks I intended to use on the route to the Great Hall. Only after she confirmed I had them right did I give a satisfied nod and finally go inside.
History of Magic passed quietly and without incident. I knew the subject well enough to simply take out the books I was actually interested in and read, so the lesson slipped by without my noticing.
"Ravenclaw, pair up. Penny asked me to escort everyone to the Great Hall for lunch."
I amplified my voice slightly with a charm once we were all in the corridor, and they fell into line.
"Daphne, take the rear, and keep an eye on anyone who looks like they might wander off. Feel free to Immobilize if necessary."
"Understood."
She gave a brief nod and moved to the back of the group. I counted everyone quickly, gave a satisfied nod, and set off.
I cannot claim the route I took was optimal, but we arrived at the Great Hall before lunch had begun and settled at the Ravenclaw table.
"So that's how it is, is it?"
Robert appeared beside me, and the fury in his eyes was unmistakable.
"You stab me in the back and then run around protecting Penny?"
"To start with, Mr. Hilliard, don't you think the Great Hall is perhaps not quite the right venue for settling scores?"
"Not the right venue?! But apparently stabbing me in the back is perfectly fine!"
"Mr. Hilliard! That is enough!"
McGonagall rose from the staff table and raised her voice just enough to make sure the prefect heard her clearly.
"But Professor! This little wretch set me up! And he's defending Penny! She neglected her duties too, but he didn't wait for anyone to come and find the students; he just walked them here himself! Is that fair?!"
"Mr. Hilliard, I should point out that there are two significant differences between your situation and Miss Clearwater's."
"Oh yes? And what would those be?!"
"The first is that Miss Clearwater informed me before History of Magic that she might not be able to collect her students in time, and she asked whether I knew the route to the Great Hall. In other words, she did not simply fail to appear; she gave me advance notice that it might happen. The second difference is that before she decided to leave the first-years in my charge, she checked that I knew the landmarks I would be navigating by."
Out of the corner of my eye I could see that Penny had already taken up a position nearby, though she had not yet entered the conversation. The professors were watching as well: McGonagall with a stern expression directed at everyone present, and Flitwick with a hard, distinctly unfriendly gaze fixed on Robert specifically.
"Accordingly, Miss Clearwater knew exactly which route we would take, and if necessary, if, for example, I had proven careless or inattentive, she could have directed the staff to track our movements, which would have significantly reduced the time needed to locate any missing first-year."
"You're just defending her! You want to get under her skirt, that's all!"
He spat the words into my face, completely oblivious to the fact that Penny could see and hear every word. I doubt it would have stopped him even if he had noticed her. Penny stood there turning alternately red and pale, making it very clear that her colleague's remarks were not something she particularly appreciated.
"You can have the slut! She was always making eyes at Weasley anyway, and after something like that no decent wizard would ever..."
During that last sentence, I'd gotten to my feet, drawn back, and driven my fist squarely into his stomach. Robert doubled over. I felt a faint resistance from what passed for his abdominal muscles; he was evidently trying to show me there was nothing to hit, but breaking through that feeble pretense of a core, with a little magical reinforcement behind the blow, was not even a challenge.
"Mr. Black! What do you think you are doing?!"
"Professor McGonagall, you ought to have stopped this idiot before he started insulting Penny Clearwater. Since you did not intervene in the first part of our exchange..."
I could see that she had, in fact, been about to intervene, but had apparently been held back by Dumbledore, who was watching the whole scene with considerable interest.
"...I would ask you not to intervene now either."
As I spoke, I had already grabbed Robert by the hair and slammed his face hard onto my knee. There was a crack, which told me his nose was definitely broken.
"Robert, my dear prefect, I am warning you once, and once only. I will not tolerate insults directed at Penny, or at any other girl. Not of that kind. There is a great deal I might have let pass..."
I shook my head.
"...I might even have left it to Penny herself..."
I glanced at her, and she gave me a pale smile.
"...to deal with you in her own way. But after what you just said..."
I shook my head again, though to be entirely honest, the thing that had actually pulled the trigger was that he had said it in the Great Hall, and that he had gone after Penny specifically. It was not that I had any particular romantic interest in her, but bringing her into my circle of acquaintances was something I very much intended to do. A clever girl like that was not someone one could afford to have as an enemy.
"...as a man, I simply cannot stand aside or keep quiet. So..."
Two more strikes, face to knee.
"...I trust you will remember this lesson, and will not make that mistake again. Believe me, next time you will not get off with just a broken nose and a broken jaw that Madam Pomfrey can fix overnight. Next time, I shall make sure you spend at least a week in the hospital wing."
With that, I let go of Robert, and he crumpled to the floor, weeping and clutching his face.
"Mr. Black, that was entirely irresponsible..."
McGonagall shook her head, but she did not assign detention or any other punishment. The Great Hall was very quiet; very few people had expected a first-year to deal with a fifth-year in quite that fashion. But it came down to a simple difference in upbringing. Robert was Muggle-born, and there were things he either did not know or refused to accept. The outcome was what it was.
"Thank you, Draco, for standing up for me..."
"Think nothing of it..."
I shook my head.
"...truly, nothing at all. It is the duty of any decent man to step in for a girl in circumstances like these."
"Even so... thank you."
She bent down quickly and kissed me on the cheek, then turned pink. Almost immediately the twins materialized beside us as though conjured from the air.
"Well, well..."
"What have we here..."
"...a charmer, clearly..."
"...a most dangerous..."
"...individual..."
"...one Draco Black..."
"...a terrible..."
"...stealer of hearts!"
"...Run and hide, for he..."
"...comes for you!"
They delivered the last line in unison.
"You pair of clowns..."
I shook my head.
"...Have you ever considered putting that particular talent of yours down on parchment and seeing whether it could be published? I suspect certain readers would find it genuinely enjoyable. You have a remarkably compelling style."
"We hadn't considered..."
"It doesn't interest us..."
"...jokes and japes..."
"...fun and games..."
"...that is our calling!"
In unison again.
"Penny, we have come..."
"...to tell you this..."
"...forget about Percy..."
"...he's a stuffed shirt!"
"...Look around you..."
"...for standing right beside you..."
"...is Draco!"
In unison once more. They looked as though they had more to say, but McGonagall cut them off and dispatched them to carry Robert to the hospital wing.
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1. Harry Potter: Satan? Nah, Just My Family Crest = CHAPTER 183
2.Marvel: Cosmic Forger of Infinity = CHAPTER 118
3.Harry Potter: Beyond Good and Evil in the Wizarding World = CHAPTER 175
4.Harry Potter: Reborn as Draco Black = CHAPTER 45
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