Truth is made by mixing lies with truth.
Truth you want to hide is covered with truth laced with lies.
I had no choice but to reveal an incomplete truth in order to conceal the real one.
What I told Hitokawa was true.
According to the hospital, my symptoms were some kind of panic disorder.
Without warning, extreme anxiety would surge through me, and even though my body was perfectly fine, my heart rate would spike and I'd break out in a cold sweat, reacting as if something were seriously wrong.
The keyword that triggered my panic was "death."
Anything that reminded me of death would set off my anxiety. I realized something was wrong with me not long after my father's funeral.
Once Eto's teeth started coming in, the corpses I had been dealing with began to overlap with my father's image.
The accumulated images of corpses came crashing over me like a tsunami, all at once, starting with my father's death, and for a while I couldn't even sleep at night.
A smashed head, intestines spilling out, skin rotting away, broken bones piercing through flesh, maggots eating at the eyes...
That image became me, became my father, became Hitokawa, became Mister Kuzen... and eventually even Eto appeared in my dreams as a corpse, waking me up over and over with screams.
The existence of death, the concept itself, terrified me beyond reason.
It felt like the human instinctive aversion to death had been amplified several times over.
I told Hitokawa about the worry I had been carrying alone for some time.
I didn't want to say it, because I knew it would only make him worry for nothing, but if I didn't reveal this now, I couldn't hide the important truth.
"I went to a suicide spot."
"...! Hey, you...!!"
Hitokawa's face twisted with anger, and I hurriedly raised a hand to cut him off.
"Calm down. I didn't go there to die. I just went to try and fix my condition."
I slipped in a little lie there.
I changed the reason for visiting a suicide site from the one I'd originally had in mind.
"People who commit suicide give up on living and choose death, right? So I thought if I put myself in their position and thought it through, maybe this extreme fear of death would go away."
"Even so, you went to a place like that...?"
"You think I'd do this if I weren't desperate?"
"Then why did you run from the police?"
"When I heard about the murder case, I started having a panic attack. At first I was going to cooperate with the questioning, but I couldn't breathe. I just couldn't take it, so I ran."
"Hmm..."
Hitokawa frowned and scratched his head hard.
He wanted to press me further, but since the conversation was touching on a sensitive part of me, he hesitated.
Unless he dug too deeply, it would be hard to notice the lie hidden in my words. Realizing I'd bought myself some breathing room, I felt relieved inside.
"I get that it's my fault CCG misunderstood me. Can't this be explained away?"
"If you're not a Ghoul, that can be proven with just a drop of your blood. I'll pass your story up the chain as it is, but whether they'll believe it is another matter..."
"I'd like them to believe it. I hate troublesome things."
"You hate troublesome things, and yet you're raising a kid while throwing away your whole youth."
At that, my expression stiffened before I could stop it.
"Hey."
"...Sorry. That was my mistake."
Seeing my face, Hitokawa seemed to realize he'd crossed a line and apologized readily.
"Never say that in front of Eto."
"I'll remember that. ...Hm?"
♪
At the electronic ringtone, Hitokawa pulled his phone from his pocket and turned away.
"Yes, Hajimoto-sangdung. What? Right now?"
Apparently it was a work call, because Hitokawa straightened up and spoke to the person on the other end. Wait, Hajimoto? Surely not the one I know?
beep
After turning off the phone, Hitokawa looked back at me and said, "Sorry, Koma. Something urgent came up, so I think I need to head back to CCG right away."
"Is it because of that Ghoul case?"
"That's classified."
Hitokawa tried not to talk about anything related to CCG whenever possible.
Since he believed I was just an ordinary civilian with no connection to Ghouls, he was drawing a line around anything that might be dangerous.
"Anyway, I'll make sure to explain things properly to my superiors. Well, someone else might come by to verify things, but don't get too bothered by it."
"...I won't."
Someone from CCG coming to visit. Was there any more unsettling phrase than that?
I'd have to raise the alert level at home for the time being. I needed to be ready in case a Ghoul Investigator showed up at any moment.
After seeing Hitokawa off, I returned home.
When I went inside, I saw Eto sitting quietly and reading a book while keeping watch over the house, just as I'd told her to.
"What did you talk about with Hitokawa, mister?"
"Stuff children don't need to know."
"Boo... You always treat me like a little kid!"
Eto puffed out her cheeks in protest because I wouldn't tell her the secret, but all that proved was that she was, in fact, a little kid.
As I quietly watched her, I asked something I'd been wondering about for a while.
"Eto. Do you maybe dislike Hitokawa?"
"Yes."
That was immediate.
If Hitokawa had been here, he would have been hurt. He was the type to care about that sort of thing more than you'd expect.
"Hitokawa isn't a bad person, but... for some reason, he smells unpleasant."
"..."
I could explain that smell.
It was the lingering scent of Ghoul blood and flesh that naturally clung to a Ghoul Investigator.
Even as a rookie, as long as he was carrying that metal briefcase, Hitokawa had no choice but to face Ghouls. Maybe he'd killed several without my ever knowing.
Eto was smelling the scent of death that had settled into Hitokawa's body, death that could one day be directed at her.
Ghoul and Ghoul Investigator.
Was it a relationship destined to be opposed from the very beginning...?
"But, Dad."
"Yeah?"
"Aren't you going to work today?"
Just as I was lost in thought about Ghouls and Ghoul Investigators, Eto suddenly said that.
It was a little surprising. Whenever I went out to work part-time, she'd be lonely watching the house, so on my days off she usually bounced around happily. What was this about?
"I was thinking of saying I have a cold and taking the day off..."
"So you're faking it?"
"...I just don't feel like going today."
"Even so, a grown-up shouldn't lie!"
Child, adults are the kind of people who chew on lies more often than rice.
Besides, why was I the one getting lectured by this kid?
"The manager at the place where you work called the house while you were out."
"What? Why would that wild manager call?"
"He said to tell you this: 'If you keep skipping work, you're dead.'"
"That bastard is threatening me from where?"
The problem was that it was a very effective threat. Damn it, the misery of being in the weaker position.
In the end, I had no choice but to slowly put on my going-out clothes like a grade-schooler dragging his feet because he didn't want to go to school. If it hadn't been for Eto's cheering voice, I would have stayed home even if it meant going head-to-head with the manager and getting fired.
With little enthusiasm, I left the house, only to run into one problem.
"...Damn. Come to think of it, I threw away the bicycle."
It had been less than twenty-four hours since I'd tossed my excellent personal vehicle-partner into the river. Without a bicycle, there was no way I'd reach my destination on time.
Since I was going to be late anyway, I decided to take my time and walk.
Looking back on it later, I should have turned around and checked the house at that moment.
If I had, things wouldn't have gotten tangled up that badly.
At the very least, if I had only noticed Eto standing at the hallway railing, watching my retreating back with a complicated expression...