Su Jing locked herself in her chambers and wept until her throat gave out. It frightened Shen Yuan badly. He held her close, exhausting every gentle word he knew, until at last the sobbing stopped.
"Don't be afraid, Your Highness. We've walked through so many storms already. I will never let go of your hand." Shen Yuan knelt before her and swore.
Su Jing dried her eyes and dragged herself back from the grief. She looked at him through wet lashes and asked, "Do you think, if they have a next life, they'll be happy?"
"They will. I'm certain of it. And for us who are still here, the best thing we can do is live well—so they can feel at peace." He held her tight, and she felt his heartbeat slow and steady against her own.
* * *
In the eighteenth year of Yongle, Empress Cheng'an ascended the throne. She changed the era name to Yongzhi. The following year, she took the third son of the Shen clan, Shen Feng, as her Imperial Consort.
Anyone who had served in the old palace would have done a double take: the new consort was the exact image of the empress's personal eunuch, who had died of a swift illness six months before.
Beneath the red wedding candles, the empress in her phoenix crown turned to the man beside her.
"Brother Shen, are you truly willing to give up your name and your identity for me?"
"I would die for you without regret. Besides, even if Your Majesty tried to send me away now, I wouldn't leave."
"Then we are together forever. Until our hair turns white."
* * *
In the fourth year of Yongzhi, Su Jing took Shen Yuan and young Huai'en on a progress southward. They stopped in Qi to visit Jia Xiche and A Jin's grave.
"Auntie, why do I have two fathers and no mother? Is something mixed up?" Five-year-old Huai'en chewed his finger, at the age where every question demanded an answer.
"Nothing is mixed up, sweetheart. If anything is wrong, it's the world that's mistaken." Su Jing smoothed his hair.
Huai'en didn't quite understand, but he knelt before the tombstone and bowed three times, obedient as always.
I know I'm not like other children. I have two fathers instead of a mother. But I love them both, because Auntie told me once that love is never a sin.
There is no guilt in being who you are. You never have to apologize.
* * *
Shen Yuan's Past-Life Extra: Broken City, Shattered Dream
Seven straight days of rain, and today the sky finally cleared.
What luck. A beautiful day.
Today was the day the princess was to be married.
Since my transfer to the emperor's retinue, I had not seen her in half a month. After today, would I ever see her again?
Without meaning to, my feet carried me to her chambers. The place where I had lived for six years—but I was a stranger now.
Let me look at her one last time.
Just once. That will be enough to carry me through the rest.
I crept to a corner of the outer wall like a thief too lowly for the stage, and pressed my fingertip through the window paper.
Through the tiny hole, I saw the girl I had longed for every waking moment. Several maids were painting her face. She was radiant—phoenix crown and crimson robes—too beautiful for the mortal world.
I drank in her eyes, her brows, the curve of every smile, and carved each one into my memory so deeply it would never fade.
I knew we had no tomorrow.
Not ever.
The auspicious hour arrived. I watched them lead her out in a cloud of silk and joy.
The bridal sedan rose and carried away the girl I loved most in the world.
* * *
The moon that night was heartlessly bright, and all it illuminated was a drunk, wretched creature covered in shame.
What is the princess doing right now?
Even the thought split something open inside my chest that would never quite close.
And yet I felt I didn't even deserve the pain.
What was I, after all?
* * *
What could I possibly give the princess?
I forced myself to stop thinking about her. I had work to do. That was the path I was meant to walk.
The days raced by. It took little effort to win the old emperor's trust. His eyesight was so poor he couldn't even recognize me as the boy from the clan he'd destroyed root and branch.
Then again, I could barely recognize myself. Why would anyone else?
I stopped asking after the princess. If word got out, the gossip could harm her. All I knew was that she was well.
Well was enough.
* * *
Time blurred. The year-end banquet arrived, and I had risen to Chief Steward at the emperor's side.
They said the princess would attend. I put on my best robes and spent an eternity arranging my appearance.
Not that she would notice me.
The feast began. I stood beside the throne, face blank, surveying the sea of ministers below—but my gaze drifted, always, to her.
She wore a peach-pink gown cinched at the waist, her hair swept up in a married woman's style, sitting quietly at her husband's side.
Still so beautiful it hurt to look.
When I descended to collect tribute gifts, I caught sight of their hands clasped tight beneath the table. I looked away instantly, as though the sun had scorched my eyes.
But there was nothing I could do. I could only stand at the highest point in the hall and watch her live in perfect harmony with another man.
My heart stung in that fine, relentless way—a thousand needles, each one tiny, none of them fatal. I excused myself and fled, hiding from what I'd seen.
When I'd steadied myself enough to return, I noticed rustling shadows behind the rockery.
I looked closer. A man in rich robes held a woman in a deep kiss.
* * *
What brazen fool is this, in the heart of the imperial grounds?
I moved to reprimand them—then realized the man was Wu Qi.
The woman's back was to me, but her dress was identical to the princess's. The butterfly hairpin in her hair hung crookedly, slipping along a dark river of silk until it fell into the mud.
That hairpin. The Shen family heirloom. My mother had entrusted it to me before our world collapsed.
"When you find the one you love, give her this. It is the hairpin passed from bride to bride in our family for generations."
On the princess's sixteenth birthday, I had pressed it into her hands, lying that I'd bought it at a market stall. Then I'd rejected her confession of love.
The former heir of the Left Chancellor could have accepted. The eunuch Shen Yuan could never.
Just like this hairpin. It could only fall into the dirt, to be trampled underfoot.
I stood frozen, watching the lovers behind the rockery entwined in passion.
Then Wu Qi opened his eyes—and saw me. One brow rose. A smile that was half challenge, half triumph.
* * *
I jolted awake from whatever dream I'd been living and fled, locking myself in my quarters, drinking until the world went dark.
I should be happy. The princess and her husband were obviously in love.
Such a wonderful girl, married to a man like Wu Qi—doting and accomplished. They would have children, a full and carefree life.
I should be happy for her.
Today is the last day. I swore it to myself in silence.
These filthy, greedy fantasies should have ended long ago.
From that day on, I forced myself to stop watching for any word of her. I walked the path I was meant to walk.
I slipped slow-acting poison into the old emperor's food, letting his mind rot a little more each day. He trusted me blindly. He began handing me the reins of governance. I became the power behind the throne, and the world called me a treasonous villain.
If the princess knew what I had become, would she despise me too?
* * *
Two years passed in a blink. Then my agents uncovered evidence that the Prince Consort was plotting rebellion.
Should I support him? If I put Wu Qi on the throne, the princess would become the most exalted woman in the land.
While I was still weighing the choice, the shadow guard arrived.
The princess's residence is on fire. Her Highness is dead.
What?
My ears must be broken. That sentence made no sense.
The princess could not be dead. The princess should be safe and blessed, living out her days in splendor.
There had to be a mistake. There had to be.
There had to be!!!
I rode through the night, ignoring every whispered rumor, and stood before the blackened shell of her manor. Charred walls. The stench of burning still thick enough to choke.
Everything confirmed what I did not want to know. It was real. And there was no undoing it.
I coughed blood and collapsed in the doorway.
When I opened my eyes again, the shadow guards had carried me back to the palace.
"My lord, please accept our condolences. The greater cause must come first."
I looked at the man kneeling before me and felt a hollow smile stretch across my face.
The greater cause. Without the princess, what "greater cause" did I have?
* * *
"Investigate the fire. Leave no stone unturned. Not the smallest detail."
I issued orders with a voice I no longer recognized as my own. The words came out flat, measured, as though someone else were speaking through my mouth.
From that day forward, my soul died alongside her. All that remained was an empty husk, dragging itself through the motions of living.