Polyamory Day 2.330K
My life feels the same, but it's changed. I've changed.
It doesn't matter what Mr. Silence is—he's in my life now, and I no longer want my old life.
We fall into sex marathons without trying. He disappears on business trips—or whatever he does—for a few days, then comes back to me. When he's here, we lose hours, sometimes days, unable to keep our hands off each other.
When I woke this morning, my hands searched the bed, seeking him. I opened my eyes and realized it's Sunday, and I'm in my own bed. I was with him last night. We've been together less than two weeks, but already my body expects him to be there.
If I was overwhelmed by his presence before, sex has only heightened it. Overwhelmed by what, I'm not sure—happiness? Pleasure? Love? Maybe all of it.
My emotions and sensations are so tangled, I can't separate one from the other. I feel so much, it's numbing. Yet... every second away from him hurts. How can I want him more now that I can have him however I want?
My daily routine feels dull and lifeless. School bores me. My hologram research gathers dust because I can't focus. Even my body is conflicted—hungry but without an appetite. Anat asked if I'm depressed. I laughed, but the symptoms are there.
How can I be depressed when I'm overwhelmed with happiness?
Anat says I'm lovesick. Maybe. I don't know what this is, but "overwhelmed" is the only word that fits. I don't think about him, fantasize about him, or even long for him anymore. I just feel him—like he's always with me, even when he's not. How can I feel loneliness and his presence at the same time?
Nothing matters but him. I've never felt this way about anyone. What is this?
He's as emotionally shut off to me as ever. Yet, he's never been gentler, kinder, more caring, more present—physically and mentally—nor more loving than he has been since we had sex. He's made his mystery pale in comparison to the mystery of my own feelings toward him. He's made me more interested in myself than in him. He makes me want to understand my humanity.
Being human has always felt dull to me. For the last six years, I've only learned about humanity out of necessity—caring for my elderly parents, helping my brothers and friends, or solving cases as a PI. It was duty, obligation, service. But I never truly wanted to understand people—or myself. I lacked both the motivation and the natural sense of genuine curiosity for it. Until now.
The extremes of my emotions and sensations with him intrigue me. Only Roberto ever made me feel this way.
He's torn open the parts of me that belonged to Roberto, pieces I thought were locked away and lost forever. I've only processed their aftermath, but now, maybe, I have the chance to truly understand—to see and feel who I was. Maybe I'll finally confront my mistakes—my greatest failure.
How did I fail to love Roberto to the extent that he would rather leave me than talk to me about why—or let me help him with his plans instead?
How could I have missed months of planning on Roberto's part before he left me? Not a single sign of it. Based on my investigations, he'd been planning to leave me eight months before he did. How did I not see it? How was I so blind to his intentions? I didn't see his inner world because I had no interest in my own.
Now, I must journey into the depths of that unknown, exploring every crevice of it, to understand how I failed.
Roberto's dead. He made me promise never to construct that time machine again. If I can't bring him back, I can only find him within myself. The answers are buried somewhere deep inside me. If I can breach the dimensional barriers in order to time travel, then I can tear my soul apart to reach the part of me that failed. I need to face her, to have a conversation with her.
But I've never been able to unlock it—until now. Mr. Silence is my key. He'll take me to her. But it means I'll have to fail. I will fail. I have no choice—I don't yet know how not to.
Without Roberto, I've only mimicked being human. With Mr. Silence, I want to become one.
With Mr. Silnece, I have no idea how long we'll last, and interestingly, I don't care. I only hope we're together long enough for me to map out my inner world.
He's made me love the presence with him so much that I've stopped worrying about the future. I'd trade the world to be with Roberto for five more minutes, so I'd trade any future pain for this moment with him.
I have a new mystery to solve. A new case. I have to find my own humanity.
Ace