"Say hello to Hail Mary!" I shouted, pointing at the roaring monster. "The only Kaiju to ever challenge Omni-Man and live to tell about it! Only this time, she's fed to the brim with Buffout and trained exclusively to hunt your kind!"
Hail Mary roared, launching herself at the Viltrumite.
While the alien struggled to keep the rampaging, chem-fueled Kaiju at bay, the Secret Guardians huddled together in a trench. Bulletproof was shaking and angrily using his suit material to duct-tape his severed hand back onto his stump, cursing up a storm.
"She chopped it clean off! I need that! Do you have any idea how much this is gonna suck?! I'm gonna beat this gray-haired space bitch to death with my own amputated fist!"
Best Tiger stepped forward, ejecting a spent magazine and sliding a fresh one into his Desert Eagle and said "I suppose I should wrap this up."
He pulled out a second Desert Eagle, checking the chamber.
"Time to step up my game." He muttered and just strolled nonchalantly in the warzone.
The team charged back into the fray to gang up on her.
"Hit her with everything!" I yelled, firing up my boots and flying back into the mess.
Wolf-Man, still feral, had finally stopped howling at the massive full moon and leaped twenty feet in the air. He brought his claws down in a ferocious, moon-crazed cross slash that actually managed to tear through the back of the alien's skin, drawing a deep spray of blood.
"Take her legs!" Business Baby squeaked, pointing a tiny, impeccably manicured finger.
Big Mildew roared, his gelatinous green body surging forward. He absorbed a brutal, rib-shattering kick from the alien, but trapped her leg just long enough for Knockout to step in with her punching gloves heating from friction.
"Batter up, space bitch!" Knockout screamed, delivering a jaw-cracking uppercut that sent the Viltrumite reeling upward.
"Fore!" Kid Thor chimed in, swinging his enchanted hammer like a golf club. He caught her in the air, smashing her directly into Hail Mary's waiting, razor-toothed maws.
The Kaiju's jaw bit down hard, its chemically enhanced jaws actually cracking Viltrumite bone before the alien blasted her way out with a shockwave of pure rage.
Angered by the swarming pests, the alien violently whipped her bladed braid, slicing one of Hail Mary's massive tentacles clean off, the appendage hitting the ground with a wet thud.
Only to be followed immediately by another swing, aiming the bloody blade right for Best Tiger's neck.
But the bastard didn't even flinch. He just raised both guns and fired simultaneously.
The first custom-made round hit the flat of her blade, violently altering its trajectory. The second round hit the braid midwhip, creating a perfect pivot point. The momentum she'd generated turned against her, forcing the razor-sharp blade to snap back and slice cleanly through her own hair.
Her most lethal weapon fell to the dirt as the braid was cut off at her waist.
Taking the opportunity, I sprinted forward, firing my boots to maximum thrust and caught her falling blade, then, jumping off of Big Mildew's Bouncy belly, I launched myself, aiming a killing cut right for her exposed throat.
But as her severed braid unfurled, her thick, gorgeous locks of silver-grey hair cascaded down around her shoulders, framing her face in the moonlight. Her full beauty finally graced my eyes without the tight updo.
Her full beauty finally graced my eyes.
And I stopped dead in my tracks, the blade halting an inch from her neck.
"Just... surrender," I said, my voice entirely lacking the necessary threat.
She looked like she'd rather eat glass than surrender. But she glanced at the rampaging Hail Mary, the regenerative and moon-buffed Wolf-Man, and her own severed weapon. The damage was too extensive.
She was bleeding heavily from Wolf-Man's slash, her breathing was ragged, and dark purple bruises blossomed across her ribs where Kid Thor and Knockout had struck. Not to mention all the chemicals flooding her system from where Hail Mary's teeth had penetrated.
She cocked her hands, ready for a mutual kill move.
"Don't be a hardass, accept my peace offering," I said, casually flipping the blade in my hands to show off my veteran's skills. "On Earth, we have a saying: Make love, not war."
It was a throwaway line. A joke as I signalled the team to round up for another gang up.
But surprisingly, instead of attacking, she stared at me. Her eyes dragged up and down my completely naked yet undamaged body.
"Make love?" she asked, her tone entirely clinical. "I believe that is the human code for mating."
"Uh... not really but something like that."
She nodded slowly. Then, to the shock of everyone present, she grabbed the collar of her uniform and violently ripped it apart. The fabric shredded, falling to the forest floor, leaving her perfect, bare body illuminated by the pale moonlight.
"What... what the hell are you doing?" I stammered, genuinely flustered. And I do not get flustered.
"Seeing as your species is genetically compatible with ours for reproduction" she stated matter-of-factly, entirely devoid of modesty, "And you possess this…this absolute invulnerability, a trait that would strengthen the Empire's genetic stock... I have decided you are the best human male to mate with. We will produce the most powerful warrior for the Empire."
My jaw hit the dirt.
I glanced back at the team, and they too were absolutely frozen in shock.
"What the hell, man?!" Bulletproof screamed, holding his hastily taped stump. "We're fighting for our lives and he's spitting game?!"
Kid Thor quickly clamped his hands over Knockout's eyes. "Don't look, babe, it's indecent!"
"I can make my own choices, sweetie!" Knockout yelled, aggressively prying his fingers away.
Business Baby just sighed, pulling a tiny silver flask from his tailored suit pocket and taking a long swig.
I even saw that arrogant bastard Best Tiger subtly lifting his blindfold to steal a peek.
"Eh, I could do better", he muttered, taking a drag from a cigarette he'd somehow lit mid-battle.
I fell to my knees, once again putting my hands together and looking up at the night sky.
"God," I whispered, tears of belief and salvation pricking my eyes. "You finally threw this old soldier a bone. You are too damn good to me." I finished the prayer by kissing my fingertips and pointing them at the heavens.
I stood up and turned to my awestruck team. Big Mildew was desperately using his massive hands to cover Business Baby's eyes.
"It's alright, guys!" I said solemnly, giving them a soldier's final salute. "I'll take one for the team! No... for the goddamn planet!"
"Are you done with your primitive rituals?" the alien asked, crossing her arms impatiently.
"Let me at least get your name, pretty lady," I said, strutting toward her.
"Pretty? Hmph. If you must know, it is Thula of the Viltrum Empire. And yours?"
"Thula. A beautiful name," I grinned. "I'm Brittany. But people call me Brit. Now come here, sweetheart."
And then, we went to work. I wasn't about to waste an opportunity that God Himself had hand-delivered to me. Not to mention, I had to be on my absolute A-game.
Humanity's survival depended on it.
Behind us, the rest of the Secret Guardians were reacting to the horrifying reality of what was happening.
Kid Thor and Knockout immediately asked Cecil to be ported back to base, looking thoroughly traumatized. Mildew was straight-up puking in the bushes. I thought Wolf-Man, being an animal and all, would understand, but he just kept aggressively covering his sensitive nose.
"Christ, the smell of Viltrumite pheromones and old man is burning my damn retinas!" Wolf-Man growled, turning his back to the clearing.
Thankfully, Cecil was quick to teleport Hail Mary, she might have ruined our fun otherwise.
Time became a confusing blur.
After locking in and giving the performance of a lifetime, I eventually drifted off.
When I woke up, the sun was shining. We were supposed to be in the middle of a dense forest preserve, but there was no forest left. The sheer force of our "negotiations" had completely levelled the trees for two miles. Everything was either crushed into splinters or violently uprooted.
Lying beside me in the crater, using my arm as a pillow, was the most beautiful angel I had ever seen. Her grey hair was splayed across my chest, her bare back rising and falling softly in her sleep.
I laid my free hand behind my head, looking up at the clear blue sky, a dopey grin plastered across my face.
"God..." I whispered. "I think I'm in love with an alien space-fascist."
Author's Note:
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