The thing strapped to the surgical table wore a torn red mask that looked way too much like Spider-Man's.
Its head was normal. Adult-sized.
Everything below the neck was wrong.
The torso was barely bigger than a newborn's, naked and smeared with blood, with tiny limbs still half-grown and twitching nonstop against the steel table. Patches of dark red flesh clung to those little arms and legs where the tissue hadn't finished healing yet. Stuck under that full-grown head, the whole thing looked like some deranged midnight horror flick.
A thick steel collar locked his neck to the table. He couldn't move more than an inch.
There were heavy cuffs welded all around the platform too, one for each limb plus a waist chain. They were obviously meant for a grown man. On this tiny baby body, they just hung there, rusted and pointless, like props somebody forgot to remove.
And for some reason, somebody had duct-taped a boom mic to the side of the table.
So the metallic banging they'd heard earlier wasn't a cleaver hitting wood.
It was this masked freak with a baby's body, eyes squeezed shut, singing horribly into the microphone and whipping his head around like he was performing at Madison Square Garden. Every time he jerked, the chain from his collar smacked the steel table.
Clang. Clang. Clang.
Worst metronome on Earth.
The door exploding open finally got his attention.
Two furious superheroes filling the doorway got the rest.
The baby on the table stopped singing. With obvious effort, he turned that adult-sized masked head toward them.
He looked at Natasha, wrist raised and ready to fire.
He looked at Blade, sword already out.
Then he lifted one stubby arm and gave them a cheerful little wave.
"Wow."
The voice under the mask was pure concentrated annoyance, full of fake awe and zero shame.
"Living, breathing Avengers. And not the ugly zombie versions either. The real ones."
"So, what do you think? Wanna join in? Mic's open."
Blade's eye twitched.
He stepped forward without a word and tore the mask off.
The face underneath looked like acid damage had gotten drunk and kept going. Cratered skin. Twisted flesh. Like somebody had run a rotten avocado through a blender and called it a human face.
"Wade Wilson?"
Blade's hand tightened on the hilt.
"Easy, Jesus Christ. This is fresh baby skin. Brand new. I should be protected by child labor laws, minor safety statutes, all that good stuff."
Deadpool's voice jumped up an octave.
He wriggled frantically on his tiny body, then his bulging eyes slid over and landed on Natasha's completely unamused face.
"Oh. My. God. Scarlett, ahem, sorry, Natasha."
He jolted like someone had tasered him. Both stubby hands flew down to cover his lower half, and he snapped his little legs shut with exaggerated modesty.
"Don't look. I'm naked. As an elite mercenary with dignity, this is a catastrophic blow to my pure, virginal mental state. I know it's peanut-sized right now, but give it time. One day this thing is gonna shock the entire Western Hemisphere."
Natasha didn't react. Not even a little. The Widow's Bite stayed aimed right at his head. Even so, a vein at her temple started to pulse.
"How did this happen to you?"
"Oh, long story. About as long as Kevin Feige's hair."
Deadpool sighed. His tiny legs kicked weakly at the air.
"Right before the zombie outbreak, I was on my way to pitch Wolverine on a movie. Full script, too. Deadpool & Wolverine. Huge hit, instant classic. But Logan, that grumpy Canadian brick..."
Natasha's eyes hardened. "Point."
"Right. Ahem. Anyway, we were in the middle of negotiations when the whole street turned into an all-you-can-eat buffet. Horde showed up. We got separated."
"So I thought, hey, the Defenders are in Hell's Kitchen. Tough crowd, but reliable. Good place to hide out. I even brought a nice bottle of wine to butter up that blind bastard Daredevil."
His mouth twisted.
"Turns out Daredevil and Iron Fist were already infected. They jumped me the second I showed up, drooling all over my face. It was like getting kissed by a Xenomorph with boundary issues."
"So, for survival reasons, I made a business proposal. I told them not to infect me. Just eat me instead. I regenerate, right? Infinite food supply. Like a self-refilling burrito."
Blade looked down at the infant body hanging under Wade's neck. His face said exactly what he was thinking.
This might be the dumbest man alive.
"So they cut off everything below your neck."
"Everything. They took the ass too. The whole premium package. Matt, blind bastard that he is, has amazing knife control. Missed every major artery. They carved me up like a Thanksgiving turkey, packed the meat to go, and left me here."
Deadpool flailed both tiny arms in outrage.
"My business model failed. Completely. Total disaster. I regret everything. I don't even know where I'm supposed to poop anymore."
Natasha had heard enough. She touched her earpiece.
Static crackled.
"Veyric..."
At that same moment, out on the shattered street in front of Hell's Kitchen, the wind screamed past fast enough to cut.
Zombie Iron Fist's glowing yellow punch tore past Veyric's face, close enough for him to feel the heat off it. The wave of corrupted chi smashed into the wrecked car behind him and crumpled the hood like paper. Glass blew out in every direction.
Blood still ran from his left palm as Veyric threw himself into a rough combat roll.
"Status?" he snapped.
He didn't even get time to breathe.
Zombie Daredevil's billy club lashed toward his throat with vicious precision, sealing off every angle he could've escaped through. Behind that blood-soaked mask, the man was dead, but his radar sense was still just as lethal.
Veyric caught the strike with a reverse knife block. The instant metal hit metal, the force numbed his whole hand from the thumb web down.
"Whatever they've been feeding on, it's insane. Their coordination is ridiculous. They cover each other like a trained team. I can't find an opening."
He forced the words out between breaths, one hand slamming the transmitter.
On the other end, Natasha went quiet for a beat, then drew in a long breath.
"Veyric. I found their food source. It's Wade Wilson. Deadpool."
His brain froze for half a second.
Even his next dodge came late.
Deadpool?
These zombie Defenders had turned the unkillable merc into a permanent supply of fresh meat.
Horrifying. Also, in a sick way, kind of genius.
That explained all of it.
Why they weren't starving themselves stupid. Why they still had their old intelligence. Why their teamwork was this sharp. Fresh, uninfected human flesh was the only thing that let Marvel zombies keep higher brain function, and these two lunatics had found a source that never ran dry.
"Then get him out of there. Now."
Veyric kicked off the hood of a wrecked sedan and launched himself backward, barely avoiding Daredevil's spinning heel kick.
"Stick to the plan while they're busy with us. Hit them from both sides."
"Copy."
Natasha cut the line.
Down in the basement slaughterhouse, Blade was already at the table. He lifted his silver-edged sword in one hand.
"Hold still, Wade. Unless you want to regrow the head too."
Deadpool shut up instantly.
His oversized eyes spun around in panic.
Shing.
Cold steel flashed once.
The chain around Deadpool's neck split clean in two. The cut was so smooth it looked polished.
His baby body was free.
He opened his mouth, probably to celebrate, but the severed chain dropped onto the steel table with a heavy clang.
Something clicked under the table.
A tiny sound. Sharp and precise.
The breaker box in the corner blew.
The dim basement vanished under a flood of flashing red light.
An air-raid siren screamed to life a second later, loud enough to feel like needles getting shoved into their ears.
"Shit."
Blade didn't raise his voice. He didn't need to.
Every instinct he'd built over a lifetime of hunting monsters lit up at once. His whole body pulled tight, ready to explode.
One second later, the ventilation duct overhead burst apart.
Twisted metal rained down with a blast of filthy, freezing air, and a white blur dropped from the darkness like a ghost, carrying enough killing intent to choke the room.
It came straight for Blade's unprotected back.