Chapter 141
Haru let out a slow sigh as his grip tightened around his phone.
"I don't know what to do, Hae-rin," he admitted, his voice quieter than usual. "I really don't."
There was a long pause on the other end of the call.
Haru had never been particularly good at admitting when he was lost. He preferred having answers. Even when things became difficult, he usually found some way to keep moving forward. His career had taught him that hesitation could cost him opportunities, and his previous life had taught him even more painfully that waiting for things to fix themselves rarely worked.
But this was Raiven.
And Haru didn't know how to fix him.
Since that night, the distance between them seemed to have grown little by little. Nothing dramatic had happened. Raiven hadn't pushed him away. He hadn't stopped saying that he loved him. They still slept in the same bed, still ate together when their schedules allowed it, still shared the occasional kiss in passing.
Yet something was missing.
Haru could feel it.
It frightened him more than he wanted to admit.
He looked toward the window, his eyes stinging slightly as he tried to force the emotion back down. His chest felt tight, as though there wasn't enough air in the apartment.
He hated feeling like this.
What right did he have to break down when Raiven was clearly the one struggling?
He should be the one holding onto him.
He should be strong enough for both of them.
But lately, Haru wasn't sure he was.
"I just want him to talk to me," he whispered.
"I know," Hae-rin replied softly. "But you can't force him to talk, Haru."
Haru closed his eyes.
"I know that."
"He has always been stubborn."
A faint, humorless smile touched Haru's lips.
"That's putting it mildly."
Hae-rin laughed quietly, but the sound faded almost immediately.
They both knew this wasn't really funny.
Haru shifted against the couch, lowering his gaze to the floor.
"What about what you told me?" he asked after a moment. "About what happened to him before. About his treatment."
Hae-rin didn't answer immediately.
"What are you thinking?"
Haru swallowed.
"What if he's doing something again?"
"No."
Hae-rin's response came so quickly that Haru looked up despite himself.
"No," she repeated more firmly. "He wouldn't."
"I know Raiven."
"So do I."
"I know him differently."
The words weren't defensive. If anything, Hae-rin sounded tired.
"Before you came into his life, I was there. I've seen him at his worst. I've seen what he looks like when he's spiraling. And if you're asking me whether I think he's using again, the answer is no."
Haru remained silent.
"He promised me," Hae-rin continued. "And Raiven doesn't make promises lightly."
Haru rubbed his thumb against the edge of his phone.
"I love him."
His voice cracked slightly on the last word.
"I know."
"I really love him, Hae-rin. That's the problem. I'm so caught up in everything that's happening that I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore."
Hae-rin was quiet for several seconds.
Then she said, "Stay with him."
Haru looked down.
She sighed.
"Don't interrogate him. Don't make him feel like he has to perform being okay for you. Just let him know you're there. If he wants to talk, listen."
Haru absorbed her words.
"Stay."
"Stay," Hae-rin repeated. "That's probably what he needs most right now."
They spoke for a little while longer before finally ending the call.
Haru remained seated for several minutes after the screen went dark.
Stay.
The word echoed in his mind.
It sounded simple.
It wasn't.
He finally stood and looked around the apartment.
He had already prepared everything.
The dining table had been cleared, and the dishes were arranged neatly. Candles sat between the plates, their small flames casting a warm glow across the room. He had spent far longer than necessary preparing the food, going back and forth between the kitchen because he wanted everything to be right.
It wasn't an anniversary.
Not yet.
It wasn't a celebration.
There was no special occasion at all.
Haru simply wanted one evening where they could be together.
They hadn't been on a proper date in a while.
With Haru's rising popularity, even something as simple as going out for dinner had become complicated. They couldn't move around as freely as they once had without attracting attention, and neither of them wanted their private relationship turned into entertainment.
So Haru had brought the date home.
He checked the table one last time.
Then he heard the familiar sound of the door unlocking.
His heart jumped.
Haru immediately straightened.
The door opened.
Raiven stepped inside with a bag slung over one shoulder.
He took two steps before stopping.
His eyes moved around the apartment.
The candles.
The carefully arranged table.
The food.
Then finally Haru.
For the first time in days, genuine surprise crossed Raiven's face.
"Did I forget our anniversary?"
Haru blinked.
Raiven immediately pulled out his phone.
"I thought it was next..." he muttered, scrolling through his calendar. "Wait. It's next month."
Haru couldn't help smiling.
"Yes. It's next month."
Raiven looked up.
Haru walked toward him.
"But I wanted to go on a little date with my boyfriend."
For a second, Raiven simply stared at him.
Then he smiled.
It wasn't the distant smile Haru had grown accustomed to seeing over the past two weeks.
This one reached his eyes.
Raiven dropped his bag beside the door and opened his arms.
Haru stepped into them.
The embrace was warm and familiar.
Raiven held him tightly, his face buried briefly against Haru's shoulder as though he had been waiting for the comfort without realizing it.
Haru closed his eyes.
For those few seconds, the fear inside him quieted.
Maybe Hae-rin was right.
Maybe staying was enough for tonight.
When they separated, Haru took Raiven's hand and led him toward the table.
He pulled out a chair for him before taking the seat opposite.
"I prepared your favorite."
Raiven looked at the food.
"It took me a while to get it right," Haru admitted. "But I think I finally managed."
Raiven looked almost touched.
"I thought you had a schedule tonight."
"It's called a cover-up, honey."
Haru raised an eyebrow.
"Are you not happy?"
"I am."
Raiven answered so quickly that Haru almost laughed.
"I'm very happy."
He reached across the table, took Haru's hand and pressed a gentle kiss against his knuckles.
"I love it."
His eyes remained on Haru for a moment longer.
Then they finally began eating.
For a while, the conversation was light.
Raiven complimented the food.
Haru pretended not to be pleased by how enthusiastically he ate it.
But beneath the ordinary conversation, Haru could still feel the tension.
The silence between them was brittle.
It didn't take much to imagine it breaking.
Haru tried not to stare at him.
He watched Raiven take another bite instead.
Then another.
Two more bites than he had eaten most days that week.
It shouldn't have made Haru happy.
It did.
He found himself watching the movement almost carefully, as though every mouthful was proof that Raiven was still trying.
Then Raiven slowly placed his chopsticks down.
"About that night..."
Haru immediately looked up.
Raiven's gaze lowered to the table.
"I've been thinking about it."
Haru didn't say anything.
He waited.
"I love you."
The words came quietly.
Haru's expression softened.
"I know."
Raiven's fingers tightened slightly around the edge of the table.
"It's just..."
He paused.
"I need a little more time."
Haru's heart sank, but he didn't interrupt.
"I know you're worried about me," Raiven continued. "And I know I've been distant."
He forced a small smile.
"This isn't permanent. I just... need some space to get myself together."
Haru studied his face.
There were dark shadows beneath Raiven's eyes.
He looked tired.
More tired than he wanted to admit.
"What does getting yourself together mean?" Haru asked.
Raiven looked away.
"I don't know yet."
That answer hurt more than Haru expected.
Still, he nodded.
He had promised himself he wouldn't force him.
"I just want you to tell me when you're hurting."
Raiven looked back at him.
"I want to know."
Haru's voice became softer.
"I want to be able to hold you."
Something flickered across Raiven's face.
"I'm not hurting."
Haru almost smiled.
He didn't believe him.
But this was the most Raiven had opened up since that night.
So Haru let the lie pass.
For now.
"Okay."
Raiven nodded.
"I just need time."
Haru reached across the table and squeezed his hand.
"But I'm here."
Raiven looked at their joined hands.
Then he lifted his eyes toward Haru.
"I know."
He leaned forward and gave Haru a brief kiss.
When he pulled away, he picked up his chopsticks again.
"The food is really good."
Haru stared at him for a moment.
Then he smiled.
"You've already said that."
"It's worth saying twice."
Raiven took another bite.
Haru watched him quietly.
The tightness in his chest hadn't disappeared.
Neither had the fear.
But for the first time in days, there was a small crack in the wall between them.
It wasn't enough.
Not yet.
But it was something.
And Haru decided that, for tonight, something would have to be enough.
He watched Raiven take another bite.
Then another.
His heart softened.
It was only food.
Only a few mouthfuls.
Yet Haru couldn't stop himself from feeling relieved.
Raiven was eating.
Raiven was sitting across from him.
For tonight, Haru would hold onto that.