Hades' office door flew off its hinges.
Again.
The god who stepped into the office was massive. Taller than Ares and broader than Hephaestus. He was dressed in armour and furs, his hair braided and tied into a bun at the back of his skull. A bushy beard covered most of his face, and was sectioned into two thick braids, each secured at the end with a red string. Despite his intimidating appearance, a wide grin stretched across his face.
Hades' attention snagged on the massive war-hammer he wielded in one hand, and a quarter cask in the other.
"Apologies, Dark One. I did not think one such as yourself would build such flimsy dwellings." Thor's booming laughter filled the room.
He set the cask down and placed his hammer on top. With all the grace of a bull in a china shop, he attempted to fix the door without tools. All he managed was to repeatedly ram the door against the frame, as though expecting it to magically reattach itself to the hinges.
Hades pinched the bridge of his nose and breathed in deep. "It's alright. I'll have it fixed later. Just lean it against the wall."
Charon was away again today, and with no one else in the building there was no risk of anyone eavesdropping. Still, just in case, Hades used his power to seal the room so no sound could escape, ensuring the privacy of their session.
"Thor Odinson, I presume?" He stood to greet his guest.
"You presume right. And you must be the Dark Zeus I was told to come and see." Thor picked up the cask and hammer and placed both items on Hades' desk. Arms akimbo, Thor appraised Hades, blue eyes dancing with curiosity.
"Although 'Dark' doesn't seem an apt descriptor; you're more of a light grey, I'd say. Not as intimidating as I thought you'd be. And your realm doesn't make my skin crawl the way Hel does. It's not freezing, there are no mysterious creatures lurking in the shadows, nor tortured screams of the damned begging for mercy," he observed, stroking his beard.
Hades blinked. "Well, this is not the Underworld proper. It's a neutral space of sorts that I picked out for the Wellness Centre," he explained. "Please, have a seat," he added, lowering himself into his chair.
"Before we begin, I have brought mead to celebrate and honour our first meeting. It's not often I meet others from a different pantheon, especially death gods. You lot love to keep your own company and hide away in your burrows like bears in hibernation," he laughed.
Hades' smile grew strained. Thor's unceremonious appearance had thrown him off-kilter. "I suppose one cup wouldn't hurt."
Lifting his hammer, Thor smashed in the top of the cask, then pulled out the broken pieces of wood and tossed them over his shoulder.
"Honoured guests first," he said, offering the cask to Hades.
"Technically, you are the guest… Oh!" Hades had no choice but to grab the cask when it was shoved into his chest. He only meant to take a small sip of the sweet-tasting drink, but Thor kept urging him to drink and drink and drink with a challenging glint in his eye that spurred Hades on. He couldn't let this Norse god think himself superior.
Only when Hades had drunk nearly half the contents did Thor snatch the cask from him and down the rest in one long gulp.
"Ah! That hit the spot!" Thor sighed in contentment, licking his lips as he tossed the cask over his shoulder.
Hades inwardly grimaced when the cask shattered against the wall, splattering the last droplets across the walls.
Thor's guileless smile as he sat down irritated Hades more than the mess he'd made. The chair creaked ominously beneath Thor's hulking frame. Hades held his breath, metaphorically crossing his fingers that the chair wouldn't collapse. He mentally counted to five and exhaled in relief when it stayed intact.
"So, what brings you here today, Thor?"
"The Bifröst."
Hades blinked. The answer was so earnest, he couldn't tell if Thor was serious until the god of thunder's booming laughter filled the room, punctuated by repeated slaps to his knee.
"I jest, Dark One; there's no need to look so severe. I am here at my mother's behest."
Hades flexed his fingers before flipping open his notebook.
Thor Odinson: Can't read the room.
"Mm-hm. Why did she want you to come and see me?"
Thor's eyebrows drew together in a scowl. "Mother believes I have 'temper issues'"— he made exaggerated air quotes with his meaty fingers— "And that I need to talk more instead of letting my fists and hammer do the talking."
"And what do you think about that?" Hades asked.
"I am Thor Odinson! Eldest son of the All-Father and the goddess Jörð." He thumped a fist against his chest plate. "Master of lightning, thunder, and storms. Protector of humankind. Greatness flows through my veins. What need do I have for softness and talking, when Mjölnir and strength speak louder?" He laughed proudly.
"Ah," Hades murmured, picking up on what might be the root of Thor's issue. "So your mother thinks you may be emotionally repressed?"
Thor snorted. He picked up his hammer and spun it by the leather loop on the end of its handle so fast it became a blur. For something so heavy, he handled it like it weighed nothing.
"You clearly don't know whom you speak to. Emotionally repressed? Me? Let me tell you something about myself, Dark Zeus—"
"It's Hades."
"I have no time or patience for artifice and hiding behind double-meanings and politics like the rest of my brethren. When I want to fuck, I fuck! When I want to eat or drink, I eat and drink. And when I want to fight, I fight! If I don't like you, I'll say it to your face. I express my emotions freely, without restraint!" Thor leaned forward and slammed his hammer down on the desk.
Cracks branched out from the point of impact, spreading across the gleaming onyx surface. Seconds later, the desk collapsed, spilling open the contents of the drawer. Thankfully, it was mostly patient files and miscellaneous knickknacks Hades didn't care much about. The biggest loss aside from yet another destroyed office desk was the decanter of ambrosia he kept in the bottom right drawer. The crystal had shattered, soaking everything in the sweet, golden liquid.
Thor's gaze bounced from Hades to the wreckage between them, eyes wide and a sheepish grin stretched across his face.
"Apologies, Dark… I mean, Hades. I'll personally deliver a magnificent desk straight from Brokkr's workshop. Normally, he doesn't bother with silly things like tables, but the dwarf owes me a few favours. Odin's beard! Speaking of tables, there's a feast—"
"There's no need to replace my desk, Thor. Accidents happen," Hades interrupted. "Let's move to the couches. Why don't you leave your hammer here, for now?" he suggested as Thor stood, still holding it.
Thor looked scandalized by the suggestion. "Mjölnir goes where I go. I think better when I can feel the weight and heft of it in my hand, and the hum of its power in my palm. It is an extension of myself."
His expression grew animated as he continued to ramble on.
"There was this one time I woke from a drunken stupor to find that Thrym had stolen my hammer. The ugly bastard thought he could leverage Mjölnir to force a marriage between himself and Freyja. As if a goddess as lovely as Freyja would debase herself by marrying someone whose face resembles the diseased back end of a swine," Thor spat— literally spat— on the floor.
"I did try to convince her to play along though, so I could steal it back while she distracted Thrym. Got a hot slap to the face and a swift kick to the nuts instead. Delicate and pretty as a flower she may look, but her kick is as powerful as an Asgardian steed," Thor said, face alight with fond admiration.
"If you could just—" Hades attempted to steer the session back on track, but Thor spoke over him.
"Of course I couldn't let that Jötunn bastard hold on to a prized weapon of the Aesir. I was ready to storm Thrym's stronghold, but Loki crafty ass that he is, devised another plan. He had me dress as a bride and pretend to be Freyja!" Thor exclaimed, gesticulating wildly.
"I see," Hades hummed, only half-listening. At the rate Thor was going, his entire session would be over before they discussed anything of substance.
"I admit, I thought Thrym would see through the ridiculous ruse; especially since Loki didn't use any of his illusionary tricks on me. I figured it was a setup and we'd end up fighting Thrym and his kin. But the rat bastard must be blind as a bat. He didn't even blink at the sight of my burly ass all dolled up in a wedding dress. Seemed to love that I had a beard, too! The besotted fool handed over Mjölnir without hesitation; can you believe it?" Thor guffawed.
"Mm, absolutely inconceivable. Shall we—"
"So you see, I cannot be parted from Mjölnir. Especially not in a foreign realm."
Hades pressed his lips together and exhaled slowly through his nose. "Fine. But please be careful."
"I always am. I just forget to regulate my strength sometimes."
Hades waited for Thor to settle before sitting down himself. The couch creaked ominously under the god's massive frame, but thankfully held. Hades cleared his throat.
"Back to the topic at hand. All those things you mentioned earlier; the fucking, fighting, and drinking when you feel like it… Those aren't necessarily emotions. The driving force behind those actions, like fighting because you're angry, or drinking because you're happy or troubled by something, those are the emotions I'm referring to."
Thor nodded, but his gaze had glazed over. He was checking out. Was it just that he got bored easily when uninterested, or was he trying to avoid talking about any of this?
"In situations where you're overwhelmed with intense emotion, how do you usually deal with your feelings?" Hades asked.
"The same way everyone else does: I rage when I'm angry, and I celebrate when there's cause for celebrating." Thor's answered absently. His gaze had drifted to a spot over Hades' shoulder. "That's an interesting piece of artwork you have there." His eyes lit up with interest.
Thor rose from his seat and approached the painting. It depicted the final battle of the Titanomachy with Zeus, Hades, and Poseidon at the forefront, facing off against the Titans. The painting had been delivered by Hermes days after Apollo's visit. Apparently, the sun god thought Hades' office could use some brightening up, though Hades failed to see how imagery of a brutal war, culminating in Zeus killing their father counted as cheerful décor. Still, it was a beautiful rendering and scarily accurate. He wondered whose memories Apollo had tapped into to paint such a vivid scene.
"This must have been a great battle. This lightning wielder is your leader, yes?" Thor tapped on the image of Zeus as he rained down lightning on Kronos.
Hades came to stand by him. "He is not my leader. The Underworld is independent of Olympus. But yes, Zeus is king of the Olympians and a god of thunder and lightning like yourself."
"Interesting," Thor mused, stroking his beard. "Truthfully, the only reason I agreed to Mother's silly request was because I was curious about this Zeus. She referred to you as 'Dark Zeus,' I assumed you were one and the same. No offense Dark One, but you look like I could snap you like a twig if we fought. But him?" He jabbed a thick finger at the image of Zeus. "Yes, he'd make a worthy opponent. I wish to challenge him," Thor declared with a savage grin.
Hades wasn't sure whether to be offended by the insult or amused as he pictured Zeus's reaction when he heard about it.
"Where can I find this Zeus? I want to test his mettle and skill against mine. Ah!" Thor snapped his fingers, the sound cracking through the room like thunder. "I shall host a tournament and invite all the deities who command lightning and thunder. An all-out battle royale, with the last god standing crowned the strongest, most powerful thunder lord!" He raised his hammer high.
It was only thanks to Hades' preternatural intuition that he managed to step back just in time. A second later, the air grew thick with static, and a bolt of lightning tore through the ceiling, striking Mjölnir. The crisp, electric scent of ozone filled the room as debris rained down around them, leaving Hades' office in ruins.
When the dust settled, Thor looked around, clearly stunned by the destruction he'd caused.
A sharp ringing echoed in Hades' ears. His patience, already thin where Thor Odinson was concerned, had officially run out.
"Let's put your session on pause for now and continue at a later date," he said through clenched teeth.
"I… Please accept my apologies, Dark One. I was overcome by the prospect of a worthy battle and didn't think my actions through. Rest assured, I'll fix all of this. Well… maybe not the painting," Thor added, glancing guiltily at the scorched canvas reduced to ash. Most of the surrounding wall and floor had been charred, and part of the wall had crumbled into rubble. "But everything else I'll take full responsibility."
"There's no need, Thor. I'll handle the repairs," Hades replied. "We'll pick up where we left off during our next session assuming you still want to continue therapy?"
Thor's face flushed crimson. "O-of course. I'll return at your earliest convenience, Dark One. And I swear to be on my best behaviour." He cleared his throat awkwardly. "One thing though… my mother will probably reach out to ask how I did today. Can we, uh, keep this between us?"
Hades let out a dry huff of laughter. "Of course."
He waited until Thor had left before returning to his seat behind the shattered desk. Burying his face in his hands, Hades let out an aggrieved groan.
"Why me?"
After a moment to collect himself, he searched for his notebook and found it beneath the coffee table. Flipping it open to Thor's page, he scribbled:
Emotional volatility. Impulsive. Vainglorious… Assess for attention disorders.