The words barely left her mouth.
The Chomping Cabbages lying quietly on the ground exploded upward, launching dozens of meters into the air in an instant, zeroing in on the Chitauri soldiers raining down from above.
CRUNCH. CRUNCH.
The crisp sound of chewing cut through the chaos of the battlefield like a knife.
Each Chomping Cabbage latched onto a Chitauri soldier.
Razor teeth shredded through armor and flesh without effort.
Chunks of meat simply ceased to exist. Blood sprayed.
Countless Chitauri had their heads bitten clean off in a single snap, their broken bodies tumbling lifelessly toward the ground.
It rained blood from the sky.
The Chitauri soldiers weren't the only ones suffering. The Leviathans became targets too.
Dozens of Chomping Cabbages swarmed a single Leviathan at once, and the creature's heavy armor tore apart like paper.
The Cabbages burrowed in.
Seconds later, they burst out the other side.
One Leviathan after another dropped from the sky like falling meteors, slamming into the streets below with earth-shaking crashes, the ground shuddering under each impact.
Are these things seriously cabbages?
The Avengers stood frozen.
Is this still Earth?
Are they seriously watching Plants vs. Zombies right now?
No. Magical Plants vs. Alien Zombies.
They looked at Hermione standing right beside them, hands planted on her hips, cackling with unhinged glee. Nobody had words.
Exactly who's the villain here?
For a moment, they almost felt sorry for the Chitauri.
Almost.
Tony's eyes were wide enough to fall out of his head. His jaw had long since given up.
His Iron Man armor, the suit he'd poured his genius into, would probably hold up about as well as wet cardboard against those things.
Steve gripped his shield until his knuckles went white, his palms slick with sweat.
He'd fought in World War II. He'd seen brutal. But watching this still made his scalp crawl.
"Hey, Hermione." Natasha's eyes stayed locked on the Chomping Cabbages tearing through the battlefield. Her voice was careful. "You're sure these things won't... eat us too?"
She really didn't want to find out what happened if they got hungry mid-rampage.
"Relax. As long as I'm here, they won't."
Hermione kept her wand moving, directing the Chomping Cabbage Army as they hunted down the last scattered Chitauri.
"That said." She paused. "You should probably keep your distance."
A beat.
"When they're really starving, they'll chew on just about anything."
Everyone: ...
The air smelled like blood and something deeply wrong.
Vegetables.
The once-terrifying Chitauri army collapsed completely. They screamed and scattered in every direction, but it didn't matter. There was nowhere to run.
These things that looked like harmless garden produce had become the most efficient killing machines on the battlefield.
They left nothing standing wherever they went.
Steve made a quiet, private decision that he was never eating cabbage again for the rest of his life. This was too much. He'd probably flinch at kale on a dinner plate from now on.
Tony let out a low, incredulous breath. "Well. I think the aliens are going to learn pretty fast that Earth's cabbages are not to be messed with."
Even they were traumatized. The Chitauri were going to need to reroute around every produce section in the galaxy. The psychological damage alone could be measured in square kilometers.
---
"Holy shit."
Up on Stark Tower, Loki watched the Chomping Cabbages bounce and lunge across the skyline below. The word escaped him before he could stop it.
He pressed on through the Scepter's connection to the Other, his tone carefully pitched to sound urgent. "The Earthlings are putting up fierce resistance, but they're nearly spent. Send more troops!"
"We've already sent two waves," the Other said, puzzled. "How are they still holding on?"
"They're running on fumes," Loki said. "One more push and it's over. Think about it , when we take Earth, imagine how the great one will reward you."
The Other wavered, then relented. "Fine. Your call."
More Chitauri poured through the portal.
The Chitauri kept charging. The Chomping Cabbages kept munching. Crisp and crunchy.
---
A little while later.
"When are they going to be finished?" the Other asked.
Loki was stretched out in a luxurious lounge chair on the top floor of Stark Tower, legs crossed, working through a bottle of Tony's finest reserve wine, looking like a man who had already won. "Soon, soon. Keep them coming."
---
Another wave gone.
"Still not done?"
"Earth's nearly broken," Loki said easily. "Just one final push."
The Other gritted his teeth and sent more troops.
He told himself the losses were getting steep, that he needed to take Earth fast and recoup. He told himself this every wave.
---
"Still not done?"
"On their last legs. Last legs."
---
"You—"
"Don't talk. Send more."
---
Wave after wave. No end in sight.
Down on the streets, the civilians had cycled through panic, then numbness, and finally arrived somewhere past both. They weren't hiding anymore. They'd found a spot with a decent view, sat down with sodas, and were watching the whole thing like a sporting event.
Nobody knew how many waves had come and gone.
The Other finally snapped. His voice through the communicator was pure rage. "What is happening over there?!"
"I have ONE wave left in reserve! ONE!"
He was starting to question everything he knew about the universe.
The portal was a bottomless pit. Every army he sent through vanished without a trace, not even a ripple. Every time he contacted Loki, the answer was the same: soon, soon. At first he'd believed it. But the sunk cost had climbed so high he couldn't stop, couldn't admit what was happening, could only keep feeding troops into the void and pray that Loki would stop being a disaster.
When Loki heard there was only one wave left, he erupted. "You want to occupy Earth with that many soldiers?"
"You Chitauri are absolute trash. How do you even lose like this?!"
"Oh, that's rich," the Other snarled back. "You can't beat Earth, and you're calling us trash?"
"If you can't beat Earth, maybe look at your own problems!"
Loki's laugh was cold and sharp. "You Chitauri get sneered at by the entire universe , look at your own problems. You're hideous , look at your own problems. You spend your whole existence as Thanos's attack dogs , look at your own problems."
"Why is it only your people getting called galactic garbage? Why aren't you counted among the great empires? Why have you spent centuries conquering and still don't have a planet to your name? Look. At. Your. Own. Problems."
"You—" The Other sputtered, thrown completely off balance by the sudden shift.
"You what?"
Loki didn't give him room to breathe. "Oh go to #¥%, " A string of elegant Asgardian followed. "Always look at your own problems, look at your own problems , I can't beat Earth either, so I should look at my own problems? Oh sure, let me just explain to myself why Earth has the Avengers!"
"I don't know how it got like this! You tell me! How was I supposed to win?!"
"The Avengers started pulling out every dirty trick they had. That witch Hermione went completely feral , just 'AAAHYAAYAA' running around blasting everything with dark magic."
"Then Iron Man over there starts with his ultimate laser show , 'AH , AH, BURN YOU ALL ,'"
"Thor's throwing down lightning storms , 'AH , AH, FRY YOU ALL —'"
"And your Chitauri are standing there going 'OW IT HURTS, IT HURTS SO MUCH' just eating hits, a whole army of Chomping Cabbages going 'WOOHOO HAHAHA' chasing them down for a snack, and then Hulk is over there going 'YEAH AAAHH' smashing everything in sight."
"My entire army is gone. How was I supposed to win? You send me a lineup that's worse than the Chitauri, troops that can't even handle vegetables , how, exactly, was I supposed to win?!"
➤ Next: The Avada Chain
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