To beg for forgiveness is an incredibly cowardly thing to do.
To be more precise, begging for forgiveness while asking for absolution is what makes it cowardly.
The victim has spent a lifetime clutching a wound that hasn't just festered, but rotted away. To approach them and say you're sorry, that you were wrong, and to ask for their forgiveness... it is nothing but selfishness and cowardice.
That is why atonement is so easy.
Some might protest. How can an apology be easy?
It is easy. Because pretending you don't know your sins or running away from the responsibility is inherently wrong.
What is truly difficult is not the apology itself, but the act of setting right the chain of events caused by one's own transgressions.
"Phew..."
That's why I feel like my head is about to split open right now.
I don't mean that literally, of course.
It's just that there's so much on my mind that my brain feels like it's going to explode.
How do I set this right?
Setting that aside, I felt overwhelmed just wondering where to even start.
To be honest, a few solutions did come to mind.
But those were solutions viewed from the perspective of a god, not a human.
Looking through the mechanical eyes of a god who sees a problem only as a variable to be balanced with an answer.
And what would that be? Killing Aizen, the source of the problem, and throwing his corpse at the feet of Hirako and the other Vizoreds.
But I couldn't do that.
It wasn't because I valued Aizen.
To call upon him when needed, and then kill him now just to solve a problem? Even the most ruthless of men wouldn't be so blatant about 'discarding the hound once the rabbit is caught.' How could I live with myself?
Above all, simply killing Aizen wouldn't solve the core issue.
Considering where all that directionless rage would turn, a simple execution wasn't a fix.
And if we were going by that logic, then I—the bystander—deserved to die just as much as Aizen.
It's a horribly selfish thing to say, but I cannot die. Not yet.
That is why I am trying to fix this.
And because that is so difficult, I'm stuck in this state.
"How..."
To confess my sins honestly and repent is a given.
But is that enough? Can it just end with that?
What should I do, having committed a sin so difficult to forgive?
Saying I'll pay for my sins with death is an escape. Saying I'll do anything for them is arrogance.
What should I do?
What is the righteous path?
What is the Righteous Path, what is the Code of Law, and what is the Heavenly Way?
Am I a human, am I the Awakened One, or am I merely the leftover remains of a god left all alone?
"Nngh..."
I thought until my head throbbed. I thought again and again.
Remaining in the World of the Living, I hovered around them, agonizing and struggling to find an answer.
During the day, I would visit the warehouse where Hirako Shinji and the other Vizoreds were hiding to apologize. When the sun set or when they locked their doors, I would retreat alone into the mountains, continuing a recursive cycle of unsolvable dilemmas.
I brooded for so long and so deeply that at one point, I realized a Bodhi tree had actually begun to sprout behind my back.
Fearing I might actually be pulled back 'up' if I stayed like that, I moved to hover over the bustling cities, agonizing while watching people live their lives.
And ironically, the answer came from two small children heading home.
It was another day where I had apologized to Hirako, received a torrent of verbal abuse, and been kicked out.
As I looked down upon the scenery of the human world, wondering where I went wrong, a pair of children caught my eye—a boy and a girl heading home together.
"I'm sorry, okay? I was really wrong!"
Was it because it was a cute childhood squabble that I looked? Or did the word 'sorry' instinctively pull my attention?
I watched them quietly from the sky, beyond their line of sight.
It began with the boy's repeated apologies.
The girl had a deep scowl on her face, ignoring his apologies and walking briskly ahead.
But the boy didn't give up. He bowed his head even lower and continued to beg for forgiveness.
Faced with this endless barrage of apologies, the girl let out a deep sigh and stopped in her tracks.
"What exactly did you do wrong? Do you even know what you did?"
"That... when I was pulling a prank and shoved that bug in your face. I was really wrong. I'm sorry. I won't ever do it again."
"...At least you know it was a bad thing to do."
Perhaps her mood had softened, for her voice was a bit gentler. The boy, however, wasn't perceptive enough to notice and kept his head down dejectedly.
"I only did it because I wanted you to look at me..."
While the boy's reason was a childishly cute one, for the girl, it must have been incredibly gross and unpleasant.
Maybe she had even been a little scared.
After staring at him for a while in response to his honest apology, the girl sighed again and reached out first.
"This is the last time. If you do something like that again..."
"If I do...?"
"I'll cut you off, and I'll never play with you again. Understood?"
The boy nodded desperately. At that comical sight, the girl finally broke into a small smile and stood beside him.
Watching them, I let out a bitter laugh as they walked away together.
"It was a question without an answer to begin with."
Agonizing over how to receive forgiveness was itself a luxury.
To forgive or to pass judgment was the victim's right, not mine.
Of course, I should still put in the effort to be forgiven.
Having reached a conclusion suited to a perpetrator, I immediately returned to the Soul Society and sought out Aizen.
"Hm? Ah, an important guest has arrived."
"Follow me for a bit."
"It's only been a short while since we concluded the Great Plan. I wonder what new project you're starting... But if it is your will, I must naturally follow."
It seemed his trust in me had grown significantly after the previous event, as he followed without even asking where we were going.
How grateful.
Of course, the man was far too intelligent not to notice something. As soon as we stepped through the Senkaimon into the World of the Living, he began to stare at me intently, sensing an anomaly.
Still, he followed without a word for the time being.
But when we turned toward the familiar, secluded warehouse along the well-trodden path, he finally spoke.
"I sense familiar Spiritual Pressures."
Well, at this distance, it was only natural to notice.
I stopped at a point just close enough for the warehouse occupants not to sense us yet and turned back to him.
"Then you know why I'm here, right?"
"Atonement? Begging for forgiveness? Or perhaps... setting right a wrong? Is that it?"
When I nodded, Aizen's expression stiffened slightly.
We had stood on the same side last time, but in truth, Aizen's personality is hardly pleasant.
Character aside, he was a man who would do anything for his goals. He was never meant to be a good person.
So he probably wanted to ask why I was dragging up a settled matter.
Or perhaps he was wondering why I was even bothering with this.
In any case, it was clear he had no intention of admitting he was wrong.
"An apology without sincerity will only instill more ill will. It would be easier to earn their forgiveness by simply killing me in front of them."
"You talk about dying so easily. Or have you truly lost your lingering attachments after witnessing the new era?"
"Yes. While it differs slightly from the original vision, the objective has been achieved. I felt the time was approaching... I simply didn't expect it to be today."
Aizen smirked as he looked toward the Vizoreds' warehouse.
It wasn't a smile of regret, but one of refreshment. It left me speechless.
I knew this was the kind of man he was, but seeing it firsthand was something else entirely.
"You're right. Bringing someone who doesn't even have the heart to apologize and forcing them to beg... that would be nothing more than another middle finger to the ones you hurt."
I hadn't brought him here for that reason.
If I were that kind of person, I wouldn't have come here at all. I would have lived comfortably in the new world, ignoring whether their hearts rotted away or not.
But I hated that idea. That's why I came, and that's why I agonized so deeply.
"Even so, an apology must be made."
"You are well aware this is a selfish act. Why do you persist?"
"Persist? Yes, I suppose it is persistence. My selfish desire for those guys to let go of their resentment and live a little more comfortably."
"If that is the case, wouldn't it be better to pay with my life?"
"Death is an escape, not a resolution. And if you don't know how to feel it, isn't it enough to simply learn?"
I reached out toward Aizen, who wore a look of utter incomprehension, and gave a bitter smile.
"Go for a little trip."
Samsara.
With a light tap on his forehead, I shoved Aizen's soul into the cycle of reincarnation for a fleeting moment.
It was a new power gained upon becoming the Awakened One.