Cold, steady drops rained down on my body, the sudden onset of the downpour jarring me from my dark reverie. My body tensed, the pain sharp as I tore myself away from the dirty soil. Every sinew resisted, every tendon fought as I forced my body through the wet ground, claws digging into the muck for any bit of leverage.
"Rghh."
Kai. The hostages. Ruhen. What had happened?
How long have I been out for? Damn it. It's disgraceful, I let Kai fight Ruhen himself.
Himself?
With an awkward thrust and my center of gravity unsteady, I dragged my weight into motion with hurried steps, each one impacting the earth hard. I kept chasing, my eyes locked on the distant, flickering silhouettes that cut through the grey haze of the rain.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
What the hell could've happened? I rushed through the mud frantically.
Almost there.
Just a bit closer.
There, I could see-
My pace steadily slowed, boots skidding to a heavy, silent stop as the strength drained from my limbs. My feet remained anchored to the floor, gaze hollow and wide. Staring motionlessly at a world that had suddenly felt empty.
The tears of a child echoed from a distance, drowned out by the heavy rush of rain.
The hostages were lying in a chilling, immobile row, their blood dripping onto the parched ground in an almost ritual manner. Lying next to them was Kai, hunched in a heap on the ground, his breaths coming so faintly that it appeared he was melded with the rocks themselves. And there, looming in the red-tinged shadows behind him, stood the root of my pain.
"RUHEEENNN!!!"
"You're awake, I see."
What the hell. What the hell. What the hell.
This isn't happening. It can't be. They're all gone.
They're dead. Everyone is dead!
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!??"
"Again, with that wrong stuff. Listen, I've been meaning to ask you something."
"What! What do you want?? Haven't you done enough!? Why couldn't you just-!?"
"Why are you trying so hard to be a hero?"
Voice cut off, my movements came to a complete stop.
My mind went blank, eyes clouded in grey.
Why was I trying to be a hero..?
Just then, the world warped into a smudge of grey and light, edges of my vision dissolving.
Then darkness.
My eyelids peeled back to a blinding clarity, my vision drowned in an infinitely expanding vault of cloudless blue. Beneath me, the biting cold of the floor had vanished, replaced by the rhythmic, silk-like ripple of water against my skin. I sat up, my gaze sweeping across a horizon where the sky and the glass-like surface met in a seamless, shimmering line, searching for any sign of closure.
A soft voice cut through the silence.
"You've been running all this time, haven't you, Akio?"
I turned around, a young boy came into sight.
He had wavy black hair and brown eyes, with tanned skin.
"Running?"
"Yes. This whole time, and maybe even for years to come."
Running? I wasn't running from anything.
"I'm not quite sure I get what you're talking about-"
"From that day 6 years ago."
My spine tingled, the heat of a flush creeping up my throat as I clutched my chest.
"I would know. After all, we are the same, Akio."
No.
'UNSTABLE!'
NO!
'WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU'
NO! NO! NO!
"Shut up. Shut up! You're not the same as me!"
"You can keep running all your life. But nothing fixes itself."
"Get away from me!"
"Are you really going to keep cowering away from the truth?"
Be quiet.
"I'm sure you know well."
BE QUIET!
"That day, you killed him."
I lashed out at the figure, my fist whistling through the air, passing through his chest like smoke, leaving nothing but a cold, hollow ripple where his heart should have been.
"It's all your fault."
"NO! IT'S NOT MY FAULT! IT ISN'T!"
"You're afraid. Aren't you?"
My nails dug deep into my scalp, crimson blurs rushing down.
I'm...afraid?
"Afraid that the truth would make everything else meaningless."
"N-No! I'm not! I'm not afraid! I didn't mean to-!"
"Remember, Akio."
Rghhh.
"I don't want to! I can't! IT HURTS!"
"I know it does. I know you want to forget. I know you wish it never happened."
I sucked in a ragged breath as the first tear fell, carving its way down my filthy face, choking back the cry that accompanied it, trying to hold myself together.
In the end, there was no stopping the rush of salt water and sorrow that clouded my vision in a haze of blue as any last vestiges of control were washed away.
"But, if you really want to help them. Then you need to learn to accept."
"I don't care! It's gone! I need to leave it behind!"
"No matter how badly you may attempt to let it go, some part of you will always remember."
...Always?
"You know."
...Why?
"You can't escape the pain you took upon yourself that day."
Why is it?
I'd convinced myself being 'good' was the right thing to do.
That mercy was strength. That forgiveness was opportunity.
But it's wrong. It's all wrong. I can't escape it.
No matter how much I try. How much I try to forget. How much I try to force something else up on to the surface.
I can't forget.
I lived in a village. A small area concentrated near the Aurelian border. It was about 6 years ago. In my small shed of a house, I lived with my father.
Thinking back, I was 10 years old. Since a very young age, I'd drown myself in stories about those heroes. I'd watch the television. I'd read books. I'd roleplay. I'd pretend I was just like them. Someone righteous. Someone pure.
A true 'hero.'
My dad was an amazing father. I loved him as much as those stories. He'd buy me all I wanted. He'd take me to expensive places. Sometimes even out to the city. He could afford everything. And he'd use it all for me, the son he'd adored so much.
One day, my father led me to the edge of the yard, where he'd carved a deep, dark wound into the earth. I leaned over the crumbling lip and gasped; there, nestled in the shadows, sat a hoard of gleaming gold and stashed treasure.
How could he have gotten all of that? The answer was obvious.
"Hey, dad, how did you get so much money?"
"Well, Akio, don't tell anyone, this is our secret."
I'd listen attentively.
"I just borrowed a bit of the villages fees, nothing too big!"
Back then, I didn't hear an old man trying to provide for a boy he loved.
I didn't hear a single father trying to care for his only son.
What I heard was the voice of a man that did 'wrong.'
The voice of a man my 'heroes' wouldn't let get away.
Something that needed to be fixed.
That night, I hauled the weight of the hoard through the sleeping village. One by one, I cast the glimmering coins into the dark, watching them scatter across doorsteps like fallen stars.
Until the stolen treasure was returned to the hands it belonged to.
Until nothing remained.
The next day, cadets surrounded my house. Of course, a 10 year old boy was deemed incapable of robbing an entire village.
I'd watch in confusion as they dragged my father out the house. His own voice distorted as he lashed out at me.
"What did you do!!?"
"I just-"
Stop talking.
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?? WHO DO YOU THINK I DID ALL THAT FOR!? YOU'RE UNSTABLE!!"
"N-No! Dad! I'm just like them!"
Don't say it.
"I'm just like those heroes!"
And yet I did.
The next day, they brought me to the village's office. A dark cage pushed open as they ushered me closer.
Inside the cell was something a 10 year old couldn't comprehend.
Cold feet dangling across the air. Hands stiff. Rope tangled across a head as a figure hovered from the ceiling.
I didn't know.
Not any of it.
For me, all I had left was them. Those so called 'heroes.' I'd focus on training my energy. I'd build a belief to become a cadet. I'd want to 'change the world.'
Sooner or later, I'd realized.
What killed my father wasn't himself.
It wasn't the cadets.
It wasn't money.
He died because of me.
I killed father.
I shamelessly exposed the one person that loved me for the sake of being 'right.'
It was too much for me.
So I hid it away. I would forget.
Forget and things would be alright. Forget and I could move on.
Replace that emptiness with those people you aspired so much, and keep that intact. Don't lose it.
And so I did just that. With those heroes guiding me, I'd forget everything. I'd hidden it all away.
At 13, I left the village to journey around the kingdom. Then I met him. And we'd go on to get stronger together. We'd go on to where we are now.
To 'bring change'.
It's useless.
No matter how much I try to pretend it's fake. It's the truth. I have to remember.
I'm sorry. But I have to let go. I can't run from it anymore.
I've tried. For years I've tried. Forget. Replace. Keep moving forward until it became real.
But it never did.
So this time I'll keep it. All of it. Not because I'm okay with it. But because if I forget again; I'll just cause more pain thinking I'm preventing it.
I'm not like them. I'll never be like them. But I still want to change this world. Even as whatever this is.
The boy knelt beside me, his small arms locking around my shoulders as he pulled me into his chest.
"I know that if it's you. Everything will be fine."
The blue skies crumbled, the heavens blackening with the falling rain. It drenched the procession of frozen figures lying in the mud.
The cries of the child broke through the storm, his body trembling. I looked at Kai, the same unconsciousness.
Ruhen.
"Are you going to answer my question?"
...
"You were right. Ruhen."
"Huh?"
"I'm no pure hearted hero. I was trying too hard."
"Hah! Why the sudden change of heart-"
"So now... I'm just going to chase after my own beliefs."
I realized.
Crimson sparks erupted from my skin, a violent gush that hissed against the falling rain. They didn't just flicker; they coalesced, the jagged energy thickening and weaving together until a predatory shape began to claw its way out of the light.
That just like how it did for me.
Pain needs to exist.
Black and red gloves curdled around my arms, roiling like trapped storms. Jagged crimson sparks lashed out against the rain as a sharp crack of my neck echoed through the carnage.
"Pain Packer."