Season 2 chapter 39
The Hypocrisy of the Oil Baron
Salesh and Kniya stopped arguing about the missing comic novels for exactly one second. They slowly turned their heads, both locking their glares directly onto Malesh, who was still standing by the leather sofa adjusting his dragon-themed tie.
"Malesh, you better do not put yourself into this matter," Kniya and Salesh snapped at the exact same time.
Kniya pointed his shotgun barrel squarely at his best friend. "We all know that you are the guy who practically invented modern corporate bribery! You literally bribe government officials to the tune of a million credits a day just to avoid pipeline taxes!"
"Yeah!" Salesh agreed, pointing an accusing finger. "You literally bribe a lot! Do not talk about bribery even a bit like you are some kind of saint! You are the most corrupt person in this entire fucking room!"
Malesh's deadpan expression didn't change, though he did quickly clear his throat.
"Okay, okay, whatever that thing is," Malesh deflected smoothly, actively refusing to acknowledge his own massive federal crimes. "Can you two please stop fighting? The shouting is mathematically ruining my peace. I am going to turn on the TV."
Malesh walked over to the heavy brass-plated cathode-ray television set in the corner of the office and clicked the heavy dial.
The screen fizzled with static before snapping into focus on the DI National News Network.
The Bio-Hazard on the Bridge
A news anchor with perfect hair and an absolutely robotic, lifeless demeanor was staring directly into the camera.
"As we move toward today's top domestic news," the anchor droned in a completely flat monotone, "we have live coverage of a massive, unprecedented biological disaster in the capital. Earlier this morning, there was a devastating fart attack involving a high-pressure cylinder on the main suspension bridge."
Kniya slowly lowered his shotgun. "...A what?"
"According to federal investigators," the anchor continued, a grainy aerial shot of a massive traffic pileup flashing on the screen. "A rogue citizen pulled out a heavily modified industrial cylinder containing a highly concentrated, lethally compressed fart, and blasted it directly into the center of the bridge. The sheer, overwhelming toxicity of the gas caused an immediate ten-car pileup. Several people unfortunately died because of the crash accident, as the fart was so aggressively bad that drivers completely lost consciousness at the wheel."
Salesh gasped, his eyes wide with absolute fascination. Malesh leaned closer to the screen, genuinely trying to calculate the PSI required to compress a fart into a lethal weapon.
"The bridge is currently closed indefinitely," the anchor stated, completely devoid of emotion. "Hazmat teams estimate it will take a few days for the fart to be fully cleared out, as it has been scientifically composed as a really, really hard fart. Enraged citizens are currently protesting outside the capital, aggressively demanding the government create a Federal Fart Agency to analyze whose exact fart this is, and to legally prosecute the absolute moron who managed to hold it in for the last fifty years to achieve this level of bio-toxicity."
Kniya stared at the television screen. His brain completely flatlined.
"What the absolute fuck is that?!" Kniya exploded, throwing his hands in the air. "Why is there absolutely fucking useless news on the TV?! We are waiting to find out who the new President is, and they are doing a ten-minute segment on a bio-hazard fart cylinder?! Let's go onto the next channel!"
Kniya marched toward the TV to grab the dial.
"No, wait!" Salesh yelled, leaning forward in his chair. "Please, Kniya, let us watch this thing! I need to know how they caught the guy!"
"This is a fascinating display of improvised chemical warfare," Malesh agreed softly.
"Absolutely fucking no!" Kniya roared, aggressively twisting the heavy brass dial to the next major news network.
The screen static cleared. A different female anchor appeared on the screen, looking incredibly grim.
"...As we all know, the presidential elections have been formally concluded," the new anchor reported. "But the main thing on everyone's mind today is the fart cylinders. As we all know, the fart cylinders have exploded on the bridge, and many people died—"
"What the absolute fuck is this country?!" Kniya screamed at the top of his lungs.
The Hostile Media Takeover
Kniya didn't even hesitate. He slammed his hand down on the speakerphone button on his mahogany desk and dialed the Vice President's office.
Filoska picked up immediately. "What did you break this time, Kniya?"
"Filoska!" Kniya yelled. "Do one thing right now! Buy this entire fucking news network! I want a hostile takeover finalized in the next sixty seconds! Call their board, wire the cash, and ask them to show original, authentic fucking news! I am not watching another segment about a fart cylinder!"
"...You want me to buy a multi-billion-credit national broadcast network just to change the channel?" Filoska asked, her voice dripping with exhaustion.
"Yes! Right fucking now!" Kniya ordered.
"Fine. Give me a minute," she sighed, hanging up.
Kniya, Malesh, and Salesh stood around the television in silence. Exactly two minutes later, the female news anchor on the screen suddenly stopped speaking. She pressed a hand to her earpiece, her face going completely pale.
She looked directly into the camera, a look of profound defeat washing over her.
"Okay," the anchor said, her voice trembling slightly. "As from the live coverage... we just got to know that our company has literally been sold out to a fucking trillionaire. And because I am a useless person talking about useless shit, I am apparently not working here anymore. We are now going to talk about serious things. Goodbye."
The anchor took off her microphone, threw her script into the air, and walked completely off the live set.
A few seconds later, a highly stressed, sweating male anchor rushed into the frame, sitting down and frantically straightening his tie.
"Okay!" the new anchor gasped, staring at the teleprompter. "A new president has been officially elected! His name is Kywon Hadous! Let us immediately witness his victory speech!"
The "Compensation" President
The news feed cut directly to a massive, beautifully decorated podium outside the capital building.
Standing behind the microphones was Kywon Hadous, a slick, heavily sweating politician wearing an overly expensive suit. He gripped the edges of the podium, looking out at the massive sea of angry, impoverished citizens.
"Hello, everyone!" Kywon Hadous announced loudly into the mic, completely lacking any presidential dignity. "I became the president of this country, and—"
Before he could finish his sentence, the crowd absolutely erupted.
"BRIBING PRESIDENT! BRIBING PRESIDENT! BRIBING PRESIDENT!" thousands of people chanted furiously, throwing garbage toward the stage.
Kywon Hadous scowled, wiping sweat from his forehead. He leaned directly into the microphone.
"Now people are shouting shit towards me!" Kywon yelled back at the citizens. "And I will order the execution of all of you in the court, or wherever the fuck it would be! Shut the fuck up and listen to me!"
The sheer audacity of the threat actually silenced the crowd for a second.
"Because now, bribery is not the word!" President Kywon Hadous declared proudly. "I am officially changing the name of the word 'bribery' to 'compensation'! Because when you are bribing someone, you are simply providing compensation to something! And it is really important to end corruption in the country! That is why I am changing the word 'bribery' to 'compensation', and it would be ensured that our country grows further!"
Kniya stared at the television. His jaw was literally hanging open.
"More corrupt presidents like me appear!" Kywon shouted, completely unhinged and admitting all of his crimes on live television. "As I come, as I go, more people like me come and go and earn a lot of money from this! So I will be another president exactly like that! Like everyone else! I am going to earn a lot of money during my presidency, become incredibly rich, and fuck the country! I don't care about anything! Thank you! God bless DI!"
The End of Season Two
President Kywon Hadous threw his hands in the air victoriously as the crowd began to aggressively riot, tearing down the barricades on live television.
Kniya slowly reached out and slammed the power button on the television, cutting the screen to black.
The executive office was completely silent.
"What the fuck is that?" Kniya whispered, his voice completely devoid of its usual arrogant energy. He rubbed his face with both hands, feeling a deep, existential migraine setting in. "What the fuck are we even observing? Fuck this shit. Our country's people are literally electing this useless idiot. The Republic is completely doomed."
Malesh, completely unfazed by the collapse of the nation's political integrity, quietly stepped forward. He reached out and clicked the television back on.
He smoothly twisted the heavy brass dial back to the first channel.
"...investigators are still trying to determine what the man ate to produce the blast radius of the fart cylinder..." the robotic anchor droned on the screen.
"A detailed analysis of the bridge incident is highly necessary," Malesh stated, crossing his arms and watching the screen with intense, academic interest. Salesh immediately leaned forward in his chair, completely captivated by the fart coverage.
Kniya looked at the two multi-billionaires watching a news report about a bio-hazard fart cylinder while the country literally burned to the ground outside their window.
"I hate all of you," Kniya muttered.
Without another word, Kniya grabbed his heavy-gauge shotgun off the desk, turned his back on the television, and completely walked out of the room, leaving the door wide open.
[END OF SEASON TWO]