[Training Ground 44 - The Gates of Hell]
We stood before a massive wire fence, the kind you'd see around a maximum-security prison or a dinosaur park. Beyond the wire, giant trees twisted like gnarled fingers, blocking out the sun. The air smelled of damp earth, rotting leaves, and fear.
"Welcome," Anko shouted, spreading her arms theatrically, "to the stage of your demise! Training Ground 44! Also known as... The Forest of Death!"
Naruto gulped. "Forest of... Death?"
"It's charming," I noted, looking at a centipede the size of a bus crawling up a tree. "Very rustic."
Anko marched over to me. She was still eyeing me warily after the "tongue incident" in the classroom. She pulled out a stack of papers and slapped them onto my chest.
"Before we start," Anko grinned, a glint of malice in her eyes. "You have to sign these."
"Autographs?" I asked, looking at the paper.
"Consent forms," Anko laughed. "People tend to die in there. If I don't get your permission first, it's a paperwork nightmare for me."
I read the fine print. Clause 14: Konoha is not liable for loss of limbs, sanity, or virginity. Clause 15: Edible plants may not be edible.
"Standard liability waiver," I muttered, signing 'Kenji Sato' with a flourish.
I handed it back to Anko. As she took it, I leaned in, invading her personal space.
"You know, Anko-sensei," I whispered, my breath hitting her neck. "If you wanted my consent, you could have just asked for a date. You didn't need a legal document."
Anko flinched. She jumped back two feet, her hand flying to her kunai pouch. Her face flushed a brilliant shade of crimson.
"Y-You!" Anko stammered, pointing a shaking finger. "You are the most... listen here, brat! If you die in there, I'm going to laugh! I'll laugh at your corpse!"
"And if I survive?" I winked. "Dinner? My treat. I know a place that serves dango as sweet as you taste."
Anko looked like she was about to explode. "JUST TAKE YOUR SCROLL!"
She threw a scroll at my face. I caught it easily.
[Item Acquired: Heaven Scroll]
"Team 7," Anko announced, her voice cracking slightly. "Gate 12. Get moving before I disqualify you for harassment!"
[The Mockery]
Naruto, completely missing the sexual tension (or just ignoring it), looked at the waivers and then at Anko. He put his hands on his hips and mimicked her posture.
"Forest of Death? Demise?" Naruto scoffed, puffing out his chest. "It doesn't look that scary! You can't scare me with a few bugs!"
Anko stopped. Her flushed face went cold. A sadistic smile returned.
"Oh?" She whispered. "You're tough, huh?"
WHOOSH.
She threw a kunai. It whizzed past Naruto's cheek, cutting a thin line of blood, and embedded itself into the ground behind him.
Naruto froze.
Before he could react, Anko appeared behind him, wrapping an arm around his neck.
"Kids like you..." Anko whispered, bringing her face close to his bleeding cheek. "...usually die first. I love the color of red on—"
She opened her mouth to lick the blood.
Slap.
A hand interposed itself between Anko's tongue and Naruto's cheek.
Anko licked my palm instead.
Silence.
Anko froze. She looked at the hand. She looked up at me. I was standing next to Naruto, looking bored.
"That's unsanitary, Anko-chan," I scolded gently. "You don't know where he's been. Naruto plays in the dirt."
I slowly withdrew my hand. A line of saliva connected my palm to her lip.
"Besides," I smirked, rubbing my palm against my chest. "If you're hungry, ask me. I have snacks."
Anko turned fifty shades of red again. "I WAS TRYING TO BE SCARY!"
"Here's your kunai."
A third voice slithered into the conversation.
A Grass Ninja stood behind us, holding Anko's kunai. But she wasn't holding it with her hand. She was holding it with a tongue that was roughly three feet long.
"You dropped this," the Grass Ninja hissed.
Anko spun around, snatching the kunai. "Thanks."
I narrowed my eyes. The air around this "Grass Ninja" was thick, heavy, and smelled like death.
[Observation Haki: Ping.] [Threat Detected: ???] [Chakra Signature: Cold. Reptilian. Infinite.] [Warning: Do not engage without backup.]
Orochimaru, I thought. He's already here.
The Grass Ninja looked at me. Golden, slit pupils bored into my skull.
"My, my," the Grass Ninja licked her lips, retracting the massive tongue. "Such lively children this year. I can't wait to see how you... develop."
She walked away, her movements fluid and boneless.
"Creep," Naruto shivered.
"Let's go," Sasuke said, his hand trembling slightly on his hilt. "We need to get to the gate."
[Gate 12 - 2:30 PM]
We stood in front of the locked gate. A Chunin proctor stood by the lock, checking his watch.
"Thirty minutes to the start," the Proctor said.
"Alright, team," Kakashi wasn't here, so Sasuke took charge. "What's the plan?"
"Survival," Sakura said, gripping her kunai. "We have the Heaven Scroll. We need an Earth Scroll. That means we have to fight."
"We ambush the first team we see!" Naruto punched his palm. "We beat them up, take their scroll, and eat lunch!"
"No," I interjected, leaning against the chain-link fence. "We don't ambush just anyone. We profile."
"Profile?" Sasuke asked.
"Yes. We avoid the Sand Siblings. Gaara is a walking blender. We avoid the Grass Ninja with the long tongue; she gives me bad vibes. We target the Rain Ninja. They're desperate, poorly funded, and usually carry Earth Scrolls because they have low self-esteem."
"That's... oddly specific," Sakura noted.
"It's economics, Sakura," I checked my pouch. "Also, Naruto. Do you need to pee?"
"Huh?" Naruto blinked. "Now that you mention it... yeah! I drank too much juice!"
"Hold it," I ordered. "Do not go into the bushes alone until we are inside and I secure the perimeter. Understood?"
"But—!"
"Hold it. Or I'll use Bungee Gum to seal it shut."
Naruto turned pale. "Okay! Okay!"
CLANK.
The locks on the gate clicked open.
"The Second Exam... STARTS NOW!" Anko's voice boomed over the loudspeakers.
The gates swung open.
We dashed into the darkness.