"Kakashi, you have disappointed me far too much."
"I originally thought that when you imitated Uchiha Obito's past and showed up late because you were helping old ladies cross the street, you were acting out of sincerity. I never expected that you were merely satisfying your own twisted fetish for reminiscing about an old friend!"
"You possess absolutely no quality of respecting the elderly! You have completely lost the Will of Fire!"
Faced with Kakashi's excuses, Tobirama ruthlessly slapped label after label on him.
Sure, the Third Hokage had once scolded Orochimaru, declaring that Edo Tensei was an evil, forbidden jutsu that disturbed the dead.
But first of all, the Third wouldn't dare utter a peep of that in front of the Second.
Second, a massive premise backed those words: he only said it because Orochimaru actively controlled his Edo Tensei victims.
The current Edo Tensei placed no physical restraints on the targets.
It operated strictly as a free pass back to the living world to enjoy life. Under those circumstances, whether the Edo Tensei got released or not didn't really matter.
There was no such thing as "death is like a cool summer night, allowing people to sleep peacefully without a care."
That so-called "peaceful sleep" in the Pure Land was basically like living under general anesthesia—packing absolutely zero subjective consciousness.
Therefore, letting Obito's grandmother hang around the shinobi world carried zero downsides.
On the contrary, it added one more critical safety measure.
For Uchiha Obito, only a handful of people truly mattered in his life.
The most important was, of course, Rin.
But what if? What if his sweet old grandmother was the final straw needed to break the camel's back?
In the end, Kakashi actually suggested canceling the Edo Tensei on Obito's grandmother purely because he didn't want to deal with the personal embarrassment.
This completely lacked any sense of responsibility!
So what if Kakashi sacrificed a little reputation?
Did he think Tobirama and his elder brother hadn't sacrificed anything?
His elder brother Hashirama had literally just dragged himself out of the Kamui dimension entirely caked in shit in front of everyone.
Anyone who didn't know the context might assume Hashirama's Wood Release required literal fertilizer to grow.
Kakashi truly did not deserve the seat of the future Sixth Hokage.
He was way too disappointing!
He couldn't even measure up to Chiyo from the village next door.
"Lord Second, please stop. I'll respect the elderly, all right? We won't force her to rest in peace."
"But I still want to beg everyone to let me help. I'm not asking anyone to pull their punches with Obito. It's just that since I possess this specific eye, I'm the absolute best person to counter him."
Kakashi desperately changed the topic.
If this lecture continued, his worth would drop below zero!
'Is this seriously what 'loving the elderly' means?' he mentally screamed. 'How the hell am I supposed to look at the phrase 'respect the old and love the young' with a straight face ever again?'
But he obviously couldn't utter that aloud.
If he complained, wouldn't that just solidify his reputation as a naturally depraved degenerate? To think Tobirama managed to twist the narrative that far!
"That is exactly what you should have said from the start." Senju Tobirama nodded in deep satisfaction, giving his stamp of approval.
"You are right. You are indeed the most perfectly suited tool to counter him. So, specifically, what is your grand plan?"
"Uh..." Kakashi hesitated.
'How exactly do I counter him?'
His immediate instinct was to fire up Kamui and warp another one of Konoha's septic tanks straight onto Obito's head.
But he instantly shot that idea down.
First of all, Konoha's septic infrastructure had already endured several rounds of catastrophic destruction and couldn't handle another hit.
If he kept this up, the local farmers who desperately needed that fertilizer would probably hunt him down to settle the score.
Second, Obito had literally just bathed himself in raw sewage to dodge Izanami.
At this point, the guy probably didn't give a damn about getting a little dirty.
"I'll deposit this trash where he belongs first. You all gather your thoughts and hash out a strategy."
Tobirama blasted the unconscious Obito with a high-pressure Water Release stream.
After power-washing the grime off the rogue Uchiha, he hoisted him over his shoulder, dropped those final words, and vanished in a flash of Flying Raijin.
Makoto and his crew didn't stick around either, warping straight back to Amegakure.
Left completely helpless, Kakashi figured one extra brain meant one extra source of inspiration, so he rallied everyone available in Konoha.
Except... scanning the crowd that actually showed up, Kakashi immediately noticed a glaring absence.
"Where's Shikamaru?" Kakashi frowned in confusion.
As the undisputed genius of the younger generation, why the heck hadn't Shikamaru answered the call?
"Uh, Kakashi-sensei, did you completely forget? Shikamaru won the Nara clan's internal tournament a while back and officially unlocked permanent slacking-off rights." Akimichi Chōji mumbled through a mouthful of potato chips.
"..."
'Permanent slacking-off rights.'
Just hearing the phrase sounded absolutely glorious!
A heavy wave of envy washed over Kakashi.
"This is a pain. Without Shikamaru, we're missing our best tactician... Wait, speaking of which, Shikamaru scored 'permanent slacking-off rights,' not 'mandatory slacking-off rights,' right? Chōji, since you and Ino are his teammates, why don't you guys swing by his place and drag him here to help us brainstorm?" Kakashi pivoted, locking his gaze onto Chōji and Ino.
"Impossible! Honestly, I officially quit the Ino-Shika-Chō formation ages ago," Ino casually waved her hand, shutting the idea down.
"...Uh." Kakashi stood completely speechless.
'Was Ino-Shika-Chō just some garage band? Can they literally just break up like that?'
"Kakashi-sensei, saying that is going way too far." Chōji tossed the last chip into his mouth, wiped his greasy hands right on his clothes, and glared at Kakashi with deep offense.
"Huh?" Kakashi blinked.
How exactly did he cross the line this time?
Did he accidentally slip the forbidden "F-word"—fat—into the conversation without realizing it?
"Are you implying that without Shikamaru holding our hands, we're completely incapable of cooking up a strategy?" Chōji jammed his hands onto his hips and puffed out his chest.
Truth be told, Chōji harbored his own bitter resentment toward Shikamaru.
Ino was the first to ditch the legendary trio.
At first, Chōji didn't sweat it.
Without Ino around, he wouldn't get nagged constantly, and he figured he could just game and goof off with Shikamaru with zero restrictions.
But against all odds, Shikamaru bailed too.
Armed with his golden "permanent slacking-off rights," the guy obviously didn't need to grind missions with Chōji anymore.
Shikamaru literally had his entire clan backing his lazy lifestyle, making Chōji violently jealous.
Right after the Nara clan wrapped their tournament, Chōji pitched a brilliant idea to the Akimichi elders: host a massive eating contest.
The grand champion would permanently unlock VIP priority access to any delicious food in the village, absolutely free of charge, fully subsidized by the rest of the Akimichi clan.
He totally planned to copy the Nara clan's homework and replicate their glorious success.
But the Akimichi contest crashed and burned horrifically.
The glaring issue was that Chōji couldn't track down the perpetually slacking Shikamaru to hammer out the logistical details of the rulebook.
The Nara clan ran a flawless tournament bracket, the Akimichi clan did not.
Left blind, Chōji tried to consult someone else, but came up empty.
In the end, a loophole broke the entire competition.
When they finally hosted the gorge-fest, they completely forgot to write a rule stating that only Akimichi clan members could actually enter.
As a result, an absolute outsider steamrolled the brackets and snatched the crown.
Just to save face, the clan had to honor the prize.
So from that day forward, wherever Hyūga Hinata went to eat, the devastating bill got mailed straight to the Akimichi compound.
Not only did Chōji utterly fail to score his unlimited free food pass, but his clan also became the laughingstock of the village.
Because of that nightmare, he held a petty grudge against Shikamaru.
"Kakashi-sensei, Chōji actually makes a solid point. Just because Shikamaru isn't here doesn't mean the rest of us are brain-dead idiots. In fact, I've already figured out a plan," Ino suddenly chimed in.
"Oh? Let's hear it." Kakashi's visible eye sparked with desperate expectation.
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